Crazier Things Have Happened

During the first IVF cycle, they retrieved 4 eggs for fertilization. We got the phone call that only one had taken and created an embryo. I was like “Let’s GO!” When I called my mom to tell her, I said, “All we need is one!” Obviously, we had been told about the risks of multiples, etc. with this procedure. So, although the idea of twins was exciting, it was also comforting to only have one fertilized egg being implanted. I knew it could still split into twins, but that was an even more rare occurrence. We were so excited. I thought this was it! This is how our baby is finally going to come to us. I had to wait about 10 days for them to take the blood for my pregnancy test. It was positive! We were pregnant. The nurse warned me that my numbers were a little low, however, and this could be a sign that the pregnancy might not be viable. Meaning that it would end in miscarriage. I was like, “Oh, hell no!” I said to her, “Well, I’m going to stay positive! I feel really good and I’m going to be optimistic!” The next day she called me with my numbers, and she said, “You were right, they are bouncing back!” The numbers are hormone levels indicating pregnancy, the HCG, and they should double every two days or so. If they are slow to go up, then the pregnancy might not be progressing properly and if they are going down, you are having a miscarriage. I was scheduled for my ultrasound the following week. Over the weekend I had excruciating pain in my left side, but it was not constant. I had been told that if it was a constant pain, it might be worrisome, but this came and went. It was very painful at times. I was pacing around my bedroom, and all I could think was, “I can’t lose this baby!” I just could not handle even the thought of it. The next day, the pain was gone. I was so relieved when it subsided and figured it was gas. Gas in your intestine can cause severe lower abdomen pain. My numbers were still multiplying the way they should, and I felt great now that the side pain subsided. Paul went to work, and I got the boys off to school and went to my ultrasound appointment. I went in and was lying with the waist of my pants below my hips. The ultrasound technician came in and put the jelly like lubricant on my tummy and started moving the transducer around on my abdomen. I was all excited and waiting for her to show me the first glimpse of our little one. However, she was taking a rather long time. As I watched, her facial expression was one of concern, not joy. I felt like I had just gotten punched in the gut. This wave of horrified emotion came over me. I did not dare ask what was wrong. I was too frightened. Finally, she cut through the tension in the air by saying, “Do you have an appointment with the doctor today?” I answered, “No, I don’t. I’m not scheduled to see the doctor today, why?” She replied, “I’ll be back in a minute,” and left the room. Now I am having a full-blown panic attack again, lying in an ultrasound room in the dark by myself. WTF? WTF is wrong now? They had me dress and go into a room with the nurse. The nurse then went on to explain that the technician could not see a developing embryo or sac in my uterus. There was nothing there, but my numbers were saying I was pregnant. It was not another blighted ovum because the sac would have been there, just with nothing developing in it. I started sobbing and trying to explain that as soon as the tech had asked me if I had an appointment that day, that I knew something was very wrong. They then asked if anyone was with me that day to drive me home. I said, “Um, no.” This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and I was gonna drive home and show Paul the sonogram pictures of our baby. They wanted me to get another ultrasound done at the hospital, to see if they could figure out what was going on. They suspected a tubal pregnancy, which is a slightly higher risk than normal with IVF procedures, because the embryo can float around for a longer period of time before implantation. An ectopic pregnancy is a pregnancy that implants outside of the uterus. A tubal is an ectopic pregnancy that implants in the fallopian tube. At this time, I was still not putting together the pain I had previously, as I still thought that was just gas, and that an ectopic pregnancy would have continued to be painful and possibly cause bleeding. I do not remember how I got home. All I know is that Paul and I went together to the ultrasound office at the hospital. It was full of happy couples and families waiting for their names to be called, to see their developing fetus on the big screen. I was so distraught and overcome by immense sadness, I just sat, not able to hold back the tears as they streamed down my cheeks with my head on Paul’s chest waiting for our name to be called, knowing we were not going to get to see our fetus. I kept thinking we should be in a different room. We should be in the sad room. We should not have to see these people’s happy faces and hear their laughter of joy. It was unbearable.