Everything I Wish I Knew About Divorce - Before I Was In One!

“Everything I wish I knew about Divorce – Before I was in one.” I am Joy Blossom, I am a counsellor with over 35 years of counselling experience. I am also a Reiki Master and Sensei (Reiki Teacher), in addition I recently added the credential of Clinical Counselling Hypnotherapist (C.Hyp). Over the years I have helped countless people through hard times. I have done many Trauma, and Critical Incidence Interventions and Debriefings. I have helped coach couples and individuals about their decision to leave their marriage and supported them through this difficult process. Fortunately, I have also helped people build their relationships and rebuild relationships that have been damaged. Even so I was not prepared for the turbulence that my own marriage ending would cause. One of my favourite definitions of Trauma is: Trying to make sense of nonsense or of something that logically does not make sense. For example: someone killing a group of people at random, such as mass shootings, does not make sense to me. Also because of the way our brains are wired our brain keeps going over data or material trying for a logical explanation and will toil trying to get something so tragic to make sense. Often with trauma, sense cannot be found, and continuing to try to make sense of the trauma can leave us feeling stuck. This definition appears to have been me these past several years since my separation/divorce. I am somewhat like “a dog with a bone”, I do not easily give up. And trying to make sense of leaving a loved one due to separation/divorce has been extremely hard for me to digest. I literally am a person that takes my stress to my stomach or “tummy” region. This may be of interest to some, if so you might care to check out the book by Louise Hay, “You Can Heal Your life”. Many of us experience stress in a variety of ways. Some get back pain, shoulder pain and headaches to name a few. Because I am body aware I can usually, through listening to my body signals, know if something is bothering me or not. I enjoy, William Glasser's Reality Therapy and I have Advanced Training in his theories. One of his students, E. Perry Good does a good job of explaining body signals in her book, “In Pursuit of Happiness.” Even though I have knowledge of body systems and Psychology I am still learning and applying various theories to hopefully help me to understand what I have been going through. I see myself as a lifelong learner and in the future, I may then have other perspectives, but for now I will use to the best of my understanding the knowledge I currently have. I have read a few books on divorce and I did not find information of managing the hurdles or etiquette of separation or divorce. This is partly what I hope to provide in this book or at least bouncing off points for further discussion. No two people are alike and there will likely not be identical solutions but hopefully a variety of problem-solving techniques will assist those in need. I do want people to have an opportunity to think about things they have yet to encounter. I appreciate learning from other's experiences. I recently learned how to Scuba Dive and am so glad I can learn from the experiences of others. Yet my own experiences have been unique to me, the people and environment or conditions that we have dove in to. This plus my own unique personality has impacted my experience. I hope by reading this you can gleam some understanding of your own unique situations and perhaps find some tools or insight into your particular areas of need. The other reason I am writing this is for my own therapeutic value. I have journaled for years and find the process helps me to lay down the thoughts that swirl in my head hopefully to bring healing, insight and some clarity. One of my favourite books for the separated/divorced person is: “Rebuilding-when your relationship ends,” by Bruce Fisher, First Edition. Since his passing the Third Edition adds a new author Dr. Robert Alberti. These books use examples to help those going down the path of divorce to have sign posts of experiences that can possibly help navigate their way. However; I was finding new turf, so to speak, that I could not find guidelines on. Surviving or navigating things like: Holidays, Funerals, Weddings and Graduations. I felt this as a need so decided to try and bring some insights and experience to share that might fill this need or give some guidance. In my experience we personally have yet to celebrate a wedding or grandchildren and perhaps there may be another book to follow.... Since being on this Separation/Divorce journey I have learned many things. I may even have some insights from how I stumbled through that may help you in my hindsight in hope of helping you prevent stumbling on your own path. I'm not sure who to credit with the saying, “Hindsight is 20/20”. After my separation/divorce I came across the book by Christiane Northrup, M.D., “The Wisdom of Menopause”-Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing During the Change. At the time my Doctor stated I was not in Menopause, the term used was that I was an “Intact Female”, I don't like this term. I still had my menses, I prefer the word “moon time”. However, reading Christiane's first chapter and how one does not produce as much oxytocin a hormone that helps women feel bonded and how changes can influence their connectedness, had me wondering if I had known this would I have been able to ward off a separation/divorce?