The Art of Dreaming Small

What does it mean when two clients at the same time, thousands of miles apart, come to you to help them write their bucket list? What are the chances? A believer in the Law of Attraction, I wondered if I was going to find out that I had a terminal illness. One of these clients was at the top of his game, in his forties, a vice president of a multi-million-dollar international company. The other was barely a senior, healthy, adventurous, financially independent, and capable of doing anything she desired. My mind was saying, what in the hell are you talking about? Why are you thinking about the END of your life when you’re just about to live it? What stops either of you from doing anything you want to do? What came out of my mouth (as a newly minted coach) was, “Tell me more.” Jeanne, client number one—a true empath, could sense my discomfort with what sounded like a death knell. Reversing roles, she assured me that creating a bucket list was positive. To her it was a way of living intentionally. “I don’t want to get to the end of my life and realize I haven’t lived it.” She went on to explain, “I think I have a good ten years before I have to worry about my health limitations. I want to use that time wisely.” Paul, client number two, explained, “Every day I go through the motions, I do the same thing, I’m tied to my cell phone, work is 24/7, I go to the gym, I come home, but this isn’t living.” He went on. “There’s always traffic, some horrible story in the news, shootings, people don’t care about each other . . . they don’t care that they’re destroying the environment . . . they’re always on their cell phones, and I do it too. My brother barely talks to me, and I never actually take the time to enjoy life. Friends, and family . . . enjoyment, isn’t that what life’s about? Why does no one do this? I’m tired of it. I don’t want that to be me anymore.” This sounded like the lament of our time. I hear this often, in every setting. With both clients, when there are few limitations on what exciting and wonderful things they could do, where would I begin to help them create a bucket list that truly mattered? And, what if they spent time and money doing something fantastical that turned out to be meh? As far as end of life: they may have ten years, or twenty, or two days, who knows? What about living now? I longed for them each to experience joy; to experience intimate connection. I longed for their contentment. I sensed their frustration and restlessness. Both are caring, kind, loving people who want meaning. Together, we would soul search and learn what compels them, what loving every day means. To guide them in this process, I would do this for myself first. Every weekend I would work, just one step ahead of them, not knowing where it would end up. From The Secret, to Think and Grow Rich, to vision boards, many of us have attempted to call into our lives our dreams and greatest fantasies. For some, it works. For the rest of us, well, it seems too out of reach. I’ve tried both methods to no avail. I believe there is power, maybe something energetic or magnetic to naming and claiming what you desire. So why doesn’t it work? Perhaps I’m too impatient, and my clients needed something now, today, not someday. Paul will never do visioning every day. To take a purely coaching approach, I could help him set goals, take steps to achieve them, work through his own resistance or other obstacles and increase his motivation, but, what’s the goal? Even in my coaching classes, I have to admit, that the visioning exercises we did to discover our life purpose resulted in nothing for me. It felt forced. Where does purpose reside within each of us? What’s the path to discovering it? How would I wrestle this awesome task (awesome in the truest sense) into submission? It may happen that we find our way, but how would I repeat it successfully with every client? To feel fulfilled when the experience has nothing to do with work, to live our purpose outside of career, unless it’s volunteerism, feels at times even more elusive. Any purpose exploration I’ve seen or done has to do with what we do in the world of work, but what about finding meaningful enjoyment? Experience for our own sake seems contradictory to purpose. Like an explorer, I set out to discover unknown territory. We all owe it to ourselves to live well, and if we believe in a Higher Power, God, or The Universe, we feel indebted to have been given the precious gift of life. How do we honor that? Is it enough to honor ourselves? Elizabeth Gilbert’s year-long sojourn in Eat, Pray, Love is all about honoring herself: satisfying desires, curiosity about herself/others/the world, spirituality. It’s about finding her own, highly personal connection with the divine, but here’s what’s interesting to me: simply living from her personal divine connection is what seems to be so fulfilling for her. Perhaps one lesson for us is that translating our very personal experience of our Higher Power, whatever that is to us, seems to bring us joy, and yes, purpose. Given that, it seems that the most important place to begin would be inside of us, with our spiritual connection.