The Power of Speaking Your Truth

You’ve been there, haven’t you? Like so many of us. You know exactly how it feels. That moment when someone in your life says something you don’t agree with. You feel the tension, the irritation, even the anger rising deep inside. You feel the energy surging upwards, seeking some sort of verbal expression. You desperately want to put that person straight, to correct them, to tell them that they’re wrong. But … you can’t. Silence. The words just won’t come out. So, you stand there. Silent. Something stops you opening your mouth. Something stops you finding your voice. Something stops you speaking your truth. And this happens again … and again … and again. I can certainly relate to this situation and these feelings. They were once very familiar to me. I lived most of my young adult life in this way: never saying what I really wanted, outwardly agreeing with everyone around me but inwardly vehemently disagreeing, outwardly being nice and polite but inwardly struggling to control my emotional reactions to what others were saying or doing. On some occasions, the internal conflict was on an epic scale! I would find phrases like “Sure, no problem …”; “No, it’s fine …”; “Yes, of course …” coming out of my mouth in an instant – way before I had even given a second thought to what was being asked of me. More often than not, these phrases would be responses to situations that clearly were a problem, were not fine at all, and needed a “Sorry, but I can’t do that …” response. I vividly remember the nauseating feeling I had seconds after agreeing to go to a work training event that involved me being away for a whole weekend, when my son was only eight months old. I really did not want to go. How could I possibly leave my baby? But I was too scared to speak up and say no. And, on another occasion, how disgusted I felt with myself when I sat quietly listening to an acquaintance making outrageously crude and derogatory remarks about a young lady he had met up with. I sat there politely smiling when I should have challenged not only the validity of what he was saying but also the disrespectful way in which he was saying it. I couldn’t even bring myself to show my repulsion by getting up and walking away. I’m pleased to say that these experiences are now firmly in my past. I no longer choose to live my life in such a timid, compliant and people-pleasing way. Over the years, I’ve learnt to kindly, politely but firmly, state my truth. I still commonly say “Sure, no problem …” and “No, it’s fine …” and “Yes, of course …” But now these phrases come after a moment of true inner reflection on the situation in hand, and my ability and willingness to comply. I can truly say that this is a far more healthy and harmonious way to live compared with the internal warfare that was previously raging inside me. To reach this place I had to go on a deep inner journey. In this book, I would like to take you on this same journey of self-discovery and positive change. I am a counsellor and holistic life coach, and over the years I’ve noticed that not speaking their truth is a common cause of direct, and indirect, unhappiness in many people’s lives. When you are unable to communicate your wishes and needs to those around you in a clear, firm but polite, way, it often means that at best your needs are unmet, and at worst you are misunderstood, ignored or simply walked all over. Over many years, the internal tension that can build up has the potential to cause you serious mental and physical harm. It has the potential to warp your personality and wreck your relationships. I chose to write this book for two reasons. Firstly, I believe that the simple practice of speaking your truth sits right at the heart of a happy, balanced and fulfilled life. As human beings, we are all permanently in relationship: firstly, with ourselves; secondly, with those around us; and thirdly, with our environment. For every one of us, there is only ever one person at the centre of our universe – ourselves. If we want to make meaningful connections with others, have closeness in our relationships, live a satisfying life, and have a strong, healthy, respectful sense of self, then we must learn to identify and communicate what we truly feel, need and expect from others. The second reason is that through my client work I have realised that many people are conditioned to believe that there are only two modes of expression: a passive, quiet, compliant way or a loud, angry, aggressive way. It is this ‘either/or’ perception that I wish to challenge. There is another way - the middle way. My aim in writing this book is to present and promote this middle way, where you speak your truth firmly, but gently and kindly. This is the assertive way. I am honoured that you have chosen to engage with this book and embark on this journey of self-discovery and learning. Together we are going to look at: • what it means to speak your truth – and some common misconceptions that people have; • how and why you learnt to not speak your truth; • the mental, emotional and physical consequences of not speaking your truth; • the underlying thought patterns and beliefs that prevent you from expressing yourself fully and firmly; and • a simple but highly effective model for facilitating change that you can learn and implement. The main therapeutic approach used in this book is Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT). Developed in the 1950s by the American psychologist Dr Albert Ellis1, the basic tenets of this approach are: a) Our thoughts, emotions and behaviours are interrelated and significantly affect one another. What we think determines how we feel, which in turn affects how we behave. b) What happens to us is often not the issue; it is how we interpret the situation or event that determines how we feel, and subsequently how we behave. The assumption here is that it is our own unhealthy beliefs that keep us trapped in a certain way of being. c) We can learn how to identify, challenge and change these unhealthy beliefs and thereby free ourselves to behave in a different way. As a holistic practitioner, I work with all aspects of a person’s being. While REBT successfully engages and utilises the amazing power of the human mind and the emotions, with some issues the roots can lie deeper, in the more unconscious realms. For this reason, I have included a chapter at the end of this book on other simple energy-focused tools and approaches that can support you on your journey back to finding your voice.