From My Heart to Yours

Two mornings later, Sofia was still on the couch, un-showered. But she knew that she would finally have to face Earl. She decided to wait to peel herself off the couch until the evening, when she knew Earl would be home from work. As she was leaving her parents’ house, she was filled with terror and deep sadness. She had not had an appetite for the past few days, but she still felt like throwing up. It was not food she wanted to expel from her body; it was the gravity of such a moment. It was grander than her. She was about to confront her husband and then change the fate of her marriage. She had reached a fork in her destiny and it was not the road she had anticipated walking on when she eagerly and happily said her vows on her wedding day.
As she drove to her house, she thought about the pledge two people make to each other as they stand before a group of loved ones. They pledge to stand by each other through sickness and health, through better or worse, ‘til death do they part. Sofia reasoned to herself that she had stayed with her husband through his sickness. She had not left him as he was battling addiction. She had stayed with him while it got worse, and the love had weakened to a thin thread. She had stayed with him even though at times, she did not recognize the person he had become.
But the vows do not say anything about staying together through betrayal. And this was not betrayal such as adultery. If it had been adultery, the situation would be a matter between the two of them. She would have questioned what happened that would have led her husband to find romance and love outside of her. But Earl’s betrayal was different. It involved not just her, but three other people. And it was not just random people he had betrayed. It was the three people in this world who meant the absolute most to his wife. It was the family that had nurtured her with unwavering strength all her life, and had supported him with unwavering care.
She parked the car outside instead of going into the garage. She felt frozen. She wanted to crawl under the seat, roll into a tiny ball and cry her eyes out. Her heart began beating so hard she was afraid it was going to give her a panic attack to the point of paralysis. Taking deep breaths while gripping her steering wheel with both hands, she tried to calm her breathing. As soon as she felt her pulse calm just a little, she grabbed the keys out of the ignition, opened the car door and headed for her house before she felt too overwhelmed to move again.
She opened the front door and gasped in astonishment when she saw Earl standing there, as if he was waiting for her. She did not know what to say. They stood there, staring at each other. Something told her he knew why she had disappeared and what was about to take place. Yet she could not do it. She could not bring herself to talk about what had happened. She was afraid he would lie to her, which would crush her even more. So instead of saying anything, she lowered her head, and marched up the stairs to begin collecting her belongings.
Sofia was in the closet for over fifteen minutes, packing her suitcases, before Earl walked in. He just stood there. Neither of them knew what to say. She had prepared herself for a fight, for yelling and tears and accusations; not for silence.
Finally, Sofia wondered, Does he have anything to say? Should I ask him if he has anything to say? Should I ask him why? What if my family is going to want answers when they see me?
But she could not bring herself to speak a word. The quietude surrounding them in the walk-in closet of their bedroom marked the reality of the turn of the events in their marriage. It was too grave for words; too heavy for discussion. She never thought this was the way it would end. It was shocking. And she could not bring herself to verbally tell the man she had loved so deeply and so dearly that she was filing for divorce. That one simple word had so much pain and loss behind it, she could not bring it to her lips. It was wavering through her heart and her spirit, which was enough.
As she continued packing, she saw Earl sit on the edge of their bed, head hung low. She wondered if it was in shame. She wondered if he knew she was leaving for good; that this was a divorce and not time apart. She wondered if he knew that his life was changing as much as hers. He was so quiet, she wondered if he even cared. Did he not want to talk to her? Did he want all of this to happen? What if this was all part of another grander scheme to get her to leave his life altogether?
The wordlessness between them was turning eerie. At first, she was numb to it because she did not have the strength or energy to tell her husband how disgusting she thought he was and how much pain he had inflicted on her family. She did not have the courage to say the word “divorce”, afraid she would become hysterical. But why was he not uttering a word? Did he not want to salvage any part of their relationship? Had he been waiting for this day to come? Did he not love her one bit anymore? Did he despise her? Was he happy to see her packing her bags? Instead of packing with a vengeance, she moved slower, as if buying time might open Earl’s mouth.
Finally, Sofia’s three suitcases were packed. Earl was still sitting on the bed, staring at the ground, without speaking a word. She hauled the suitcases one by one down the stairs and placed them in her car. She thought that she was probably involved in the quietest divorce in history. Was it even possible for the collapse of two lives to occur without a word?
She knew the actions were enough to speak volumes, but she was dumbfounded by the smoothness of her leaving Earl and the life they had shared in their home. But she decided she was not going to leave things lingering. Having put the final suitcase into her car, she marched back into her house and up the stairs. Earl had not moved from his position on the bed.
“Earl,” she began, voice quivering. She took a deep breath to steady herself as he looked up and into her eyes. “I think you know why I’ve packed. I want to inform you that this is not a separation. I am filing for divorce.” She was sobbing uncontrollably, standing in the doorway of their bedroom. Pain from her heart gushed all over her body. She felt a part of her was dying as she stood there uttering those words to the man she had shared so much with. Her knees were giving out on her, but she forced herself to stand tall before him. Through her own watery eyes, she could see tears rolling down Earl’s cheeks as well. He remained quiet, but his tears came down faster than hers.