The Ego, however, is not who you really are. The ego is your self-image; it is your social mask; it is the role you are playing. Your social mask thrives on approval. It wants control, and it is sustained by power, because it lives in fear.
—Deepak Chopra, Physician and Spiritual Leader
To sum up, here’s what you’ve learned so far: When someone pushes your buttons, he or she is pushing your soul lessons. Soul lessons are aspects of you that need to be released and healed. You know how to stop adding to your soul blocks. You know how to release your soul blocks. You know the areas you need to focus on to change your soul habits and beliefs in order to evolve to self-love.
In this chapter we will cover the way you present yourself to relationships and to the world through the ego self. If your ego is out of balance, you’re not showing up as your authentic self, and this means you must be showing up as your shadow self. You can’t find the light when you are in the shadows. You will never be happy in any relationship until you allow yourself to step out of the shadow of who you believe and think you are and into the light of who you really are.
So what is ego?
The ego is a major structure that plays out in your psyche. It comprises your persona and your shadow self. The persona is your masked self, which we present to the world. The shadow self is a psychological term introduced by Carl Jung (Swiss psychiatrist) as everything in you that is unconsciously repressed, undeveloped, and denied. (You can identify these through your soul lessons and limiting belief habits.)
The real authentic you is hidden behind this mask, and the shadow you that you present to the world is in reaction to your soul lessons and limiting belief habits. Your ego is what tells you who you are and who it thinks others are; the ego speaks through your pain and directs your behaviour accordingly.
Ego is what drives us to obtain status, recognition, love, acceptance, authority, and control. A little bit of ego is healthy as it can move us forward to obtain our goals and what we want in life. A healthy ego is useful because it can help you to change your personality and behaviour to suit certain circumstances, and that can be beneficial to you and to others.
For example, your ego would most likely behave with compassion, help, and understanding to a group of homeless people. You would most likely adjust your behaviour and conversation to a level that would not intimidate them or make them feel worse about their situation. You wouldn’t behave or speak in a “look at me, I have everything and you don’t,” or an “I’m better than you are” kind of way. As another example, if you were in a group of business people you were hoping to do business with, your ego would most likely act with confidence. You would probably adjust your behaviour and conversation to a level that would appear professional. You wouldn’t behave in giggly, immature, or feeble manner in this group if you wanted them to do business with you.
In both of these examples your ego helps you adjust your persona to fit in, and in these cases it is very helpful and beneficial to you and others.
If your ego is presenting through your shadow self, however, and you are struggling with yourself through and around others, then your ego is causing you pain. The pain comes from your own perceived potential threats to your ego or persona. The way you view yourself or the way you feel others view you can cause an emotional reaction and trigger your old soul lesson and limited beliefs habits, which in turn affect your behaviour.
For example, let’s say your ego is presenting through your shadow self and old habits from soul lesson #3 (self-worth) are affecting your thoughts in how you perceive yourself to be and how you perceive and believe others see you.
You are on a first date with an extremely good-looking lawyer, and you’re feeling intimidated because of your low self-esteem. Your ego has come under attack because you are feeling out of your depth and you have assumed that this lawyer must be looking for someone who is better looking, more intelligent, and more confident than you. Your ego has already sold you out as being inferior to this person and placed him or her on a pedestal above you. Even though you are feeling intimidated and in no way confident at all, your ego will want to ensure that you give the best possible impression of what you think the lawyer wants, and so you try and act accordingly. Your behaviour will have you acting in a manner you believe is suitable—what you perceive this person is expecting and looking for. Your energy, however, could be telling a totally different story.
Your ego could have you thinking you are talking and acting confidently but, because this is not really how you are feeling, you behaviour may not be coming across that way. In your nervousness, you may be coming across as brash, opinionated, or interruptive as you try to speak confidently. On the other hand, your ego could also have your behaviour appearing clumsy, too talkative, or confusing because you’re too busy trying to work out what you’re going to say next and you’re not listening properly. Then if your ego felt it was attacked because of a comment the lawyer made and you take this comment personally, then your behaviour could really take a nosedive. You could completely shut down and become cold and distant or defend yourself through a reaction or argument. On the other hand, you may feel very rejected and hurt and try to escape this situation ASAP. You may even persist and try to find proof that this whole situation is still going well by digging at the lawyer for responses and evidence as to how he or she is feeling about you. All of these scenarios are not coming across in the way you are meaning them to because they are not natural—you are just “acting out.”
What you need to understand is that people are reading your energy as much as they are witnessing your behaviour and hearing the words that you are speaking. You can tell, and you will know yourself, when people are not being authentic or are trying to be something that they are not. It doesn’t feel right and it leaves you with an unsettled feeling about them. That unsettled feeling is your heart telling you that their energy is not matching up with their behaviour, so it doesn’t feel authentic. It actually feels as if they are being dishonest, and it’s hard to believe and trust people who act like this. I am sure you have had an experience with a sales person who wasn’t confident with what he or she was selling. Such a person’s sales pitch isn’t very convincing, is it? People who believe in what they are saying and selling have a totally different energy—they have passion, their eyes sparkle, and they inspire you to buy because their energy projects so much belief and conviction. It’s no different in any relationship—if you are not being your authentic self, others will notice. It will show up in your energy. A soul mate partner is going to be attracted only to your authentic self.
If you go into a relationship with a sensitive ego, then you will be on guard for and defensive against threats and hurts to your ego. This will cause your authentic self to remain hidden and locked away. That means your inner light can’t shine, your true heart can’t shine, and you won’t be able to attract your soul mate partner. Instead you will attract a teacher to show you what you are doing.
Has true love eluded you? Are you feeling overwhelmingly stuck in relationship hell? Good news! Soul Lessons to Soul Mate is here to set you free. Be ready for some heavy heart-lifting material to revive your love fatigued life and find your soul mate.
Julie Kay has spent many years helping thousands of people with relationship problems. Her Soul Mate School Workshops have helped thousands to fulfill their romantic potential. She has discovered a unique formula that confirms that relationship lessons and issues are not just coincidence—they are destiny! Set up in childhood and repeated through one relationship disaster after another, these lessons and issues will continue to affect your relationships—until you release and heal them.
Soul Lessons to Soul Mate guides you in expanding your consciousness to help you go deeper into setting your heart free, so you can discover your soul mate and have the blissful love life of your dreams. If you’ve been waiting far too long for your true love, what are you waiting for? It’s time for your happily ever after.
About the Author
Julie Kay has inspired thousands of her clients with personal soul coaching sessions and Soul Mate School Workshops. Julie has appeared on national television, radio, and in various forms of print media. She travels nationally and internationally with her personal love-fueled ambition to help expand the consciousness of love and light. She and her husband are based on the Gold Coast in Australia.