Black Sparrow

Trying to convince someone to believe in God is about as pointless as praying to be straight, another race, or wealthy. Thank God that I believe in God. Depending on how I view my life, it could be fortunate or unfortunate that I am not straight, Caucasian, or wealthy. Unfortunately, I once obsessively prayed to be straight, denied my racial value, and fantasized about being filthy rich. Fortunately, I am just me; black, gay, financially comfortable, and remarkably proud of who I have become.
I once told Jezebel magazine in an interview, “I am who I imagined myself being as a child.” This is true, but never did I imagine some of the roads I would travel to get here. In the fabric of my heart, I truly believe that everyone has a predetermined path in life. This is great and wonderful news considering that it is human nature to feel you have a purpose and that your actions are validated thru success and accomplishment.
I began to keep a journal when I discovered that I wanted to find out why I did some of the things that I did and moreover why I entertained some of my most self-destructive and emotionally excruciating thoughts. What motivates me and what makes me tick? What is the gasoline that fuels the behavior of my core being? I doubt that I will every truly know or quite understand, but I feel that God is pleased that I care enough about His beautiful creation to even ponder these things. I resolved confirmation in knowing there are things I will never find the answers to as long as I am on earth. To possess such affirmations would be divinely cruel, provide an unfair advantage, and prove to be dramatically satisfying. Subsequently, I feel this work should be dedicated to anyone who cares to read it and who understands what at times I could not.