Dating Beyond Surface:
A Self-Help Book for Demisexuality and Sapiosexuality in Modern Romance
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Maybe you know this feeling: that quiet hesitance that creeps in when conversations turn to dating, hookups, or chemistry. That sense of wondering if you’re “doing it wrong” because sexual attraction just doesn’t show up for you in the way it seems to for everyone else. That sense of always having to explain yourself—to be seen not as broken, but simply different. I know that feeling deeply. And I want you to know: you are not alone. As a demisexual person, I don't experience sexual attraction unless I have a deep emotional connection. That means dating takes time, trust, and patience. And it also means that in a world driven by instant gratification, swipe culture, and sexual urgency, dating can feel... like wading upstream. I didn’t enter my first romantic relationship until I was 27 years old. Not because I didn’t long for connection—but because I needed something rare: someone who saw me beneath the surface. Someone who didn’t rush. Someone who understood that for people like me, intimacy begins long before the body is even considered. And then there’s another part of me: I’m sapiosexual—someone who experiences attraction through intellectual depth. For me, a beautifully expressed idea, an original insight, or a thought-provoking conversation can be just as seductive as anything physical. And while that can feel exhilarating, it also comes with challenges: idealizing someone because they’re “brilliant,” getting lost in your head while your heart is still catching up, or struggling to find anyone who’s actually emotionally available—not just intellectually fascinating. Recently, I had the honor of presenting a conference paper titled Beyond the Physical: Integrating Sapiosexuality Into Modern Sex Education. In my research, I realized how little comprehensive guidance exists for those of us who love with our minds first. There’s a gap. A lack of resources for people who crave connection that’s not about instant chemistry, but thoughtful, layered resonance. So I decided to write the guide I wish I’d had. This book is for you if: You’ve ever felt “late” to dating or unsure how to begin You fall for people’s ideas before their bodies You crave emotional depth, clarity, and mutual understanding You’re tired of feeling like your identity has to be explained or justified You want dating advice that honors who you are, not who you’re expected to be This isn’t a guide about how to change yourself to “succeed” in love. It’s a guide for coming home to yourself while opening your heart to others. Because being asexual, demisexual, sapiosexual—or beautifully layered in ways you don’t have words for yet—doesn’t make you hard to love. It means your love is just different. Slower. Softer. Smarter. Deeper. And different isn’t a deficit. It’s a strength. So here’s your permission slip: To move at your own pace. To wait for connection that feels emotionally safe. To crave minds before bodies. To want love on your terms. You're not asking for too much. You're asking for something real. And you're not alone in the asking.
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About the Book
What if dating didn’t have to begin with sparks, sexual chemistry, or a sense of urgency? What if attraction could unfold gently—through trust, emotional safety, and deep conversation? For many people, especially those who identify as asexual, demisexual, sapiosexual, neurodivergent, or simply slow to connect, traditional dating culture can feel alienating, overwhelming, or disheartening. Dating Beyond Surface offers an affirming, practical, and deeply personal guide for those who love differently, slowly, and with intention. Written by a demisexual and sapiosexual author who understands these experiences firsthand, this book provides support for people who crave meaningful connection without compromising their identity or pace. Whether you’re just starting to explore dating or have long felt out of sync with mainstream dating norms, this book creates space for your way of loving to be fully seen and honored. With a mix of personal stories, thoughtful insights, practical tools, and compassionate affirmations, Dating Beyond Surface is both a handbook and a love letter for people who experience attraction beyond physicality. Inside, you’ll find guidance on navigating a dating culture that often assumes sexual or romantic attraction should be immediate and constant. You’ll learn how to name and honor your own boundaries, articulate your needs without shame, and engage in relationships that reflect your truth. This book explores how to approach dating from a place of self-trust rather than performance, including how to identify emotional compatibility, communicate your identity with clarity, and navigate the challenges of being misunderstood, idealized, or overlooked. You’ll also discover journaling prompts, reflection exercises, and profile templates designed specifically for people who connect emotionally or intellectually before physically. These resources are not just tools—they are invitations to come home to yourself. Dating Beyond Surface includes insights on queerplatonic bonds, neurodivergent needs, and intersectional identities, with a strong emphasis on slowness as strength and sensitivity as wisdom. This is not a book about how to fix yourself to “succeed” at dating. It’s a book about expanding your definition of connection so it includes you, exactly as you are. If you’ve ever felt like your pace was too slow, your needs were too complex, or your kind of love was too quiet to be seen—this book is for you. You are not too much. You are not too late. You are not broken. You simply love with depth. And depth is not a liability—it’s a superpower. Whether you’re demisexual, asexual, sapiosexual, questioning, or just looking for a way to date that feels emotionally honest and nourishing, Dating Beyond Surface invites you to move at your own rhythm, seek what truly aligns, and create connections that feel safe, steady, and real. Because your way of loving isn’t less. It’s simply different. And that difference deserves to be respected—and beautifully met.
About the Author
Dr. Yujia Zhu 朱羽佳 (Ph.D in Psychology) is a visionary changemaker and the trailblazing founder of For A Safer Space (FASS)—the world’s first fully AI-driven nonprofit organization—and the solo creator of FASSLING AI product line—the world’s first fully AI-driven nonprofit platform with a virtual safe space providing unlimited, free emotional and life coaching services globally. A proud Chinese Canadian originally from the historic city of Nanjing, Mainland China, Yujia’s journey fuses technical innovation with compassionate activism, offering a bold blueprint for the future of socially responsible leadership. With almost 15 years of experience in the humanitarian sector, Yujia is widely recognized as a bold social innovator, ethical systems thinker, and fearless advocate for restorative justice and inclusive service design. Her work has impacted millions through anti-oppressive storytelling, transformative holistic education, and visionary platforms that reimagine human care in the digital age. Yujia’s work has earned her recognition as a thought leader in the nonprofit and philanthropy sector, including her appointment to the Forbes Nonprofit Council and her service on the board of Community Boards, the longest-running mediation, conflict resolution, and restorative justice center in the United States. She has also earned herself recognition as an established science-based thought leader in the coaching sector when she was invited to join the most prestigious professional fellow membership at the Institute of Coaching (IOC), based at McLean Hospital, a member of Mass General Brigham and the largest psychiatric affiliate of Harvard Medical School. Dr. Yujia Zhu also won the prestigious Grand Stevie Award for Women in Business and is a 13x Stevie Award Winner. A rare blend of heart, intellect, and courage, Dr. Yujia Zhu exemplifies what it means to lead with both purpose and precision. Her life’s work is dedicated to building a more compassionate, equitable, and sustainable world—one bold, effective innovation at a time.