What Spirit Said

We all have things we wish we would have done differently. You can’t escape it. You can’t avoid it. It’s part of being human. The key is to learn from it, let it go, and move on to do better. Hanging onto the emotions of something from the past only creates unnecessary suffering. How did I figure that out? Spirit helped me see it. I put him in dressage training because I thought he enjoyed it. But, when I saw him at the trainer’s place, I knew in my soul, he wasn’t happy. He was a very willing and able horse in dressage. Spirit is smart, sensitive, has a strong work ethic, and would give his all to what he was asked to do. But it shut him down. He just went inside his head and endured it. The trainer and I didn’t listen to what Spirit wanted. I should have listened to my soul because it was clearly telling me that Spirit wasn’t happy. I let my brain override that because Spirit was good at dressage, showed great promise, and worked hard. As a result of me letting my brain override my soul, Spirit got injured, and now is mildly lame for the rest of his life. This is what can happen when you don’t listen to your soul. I saw that the reasons I put Spirit in dressage training were spurred by the same thoughts that drove me during my military career. I didn’t enjoy the military; I didn’t enjoy being a lawyer. But I was a good girl; I did what I was supposed to do. I was good at my job, and I worked hard. But there was no life in me. What I saw in Spirit when I thought he wasn’t happy at the trainer’s place, was the same heaviness that I carried in me. I did to Spirit what I did to myself. I was shut down, just like Spirit. I was unhappy, just like Spirit. And I was a robot just going through the motions, just like Spirit. When I figured that out, I felt like a giant jerk. I grieved. I beat myself up for what I did to Spirit and myself. I was filled with deep, penetrating negative feelings about myself. I ugly cried for several weeks, both with Spirit and alone. It was during this time that I decided I needed to listen to Spirit and figure out a way to let him know that I was listening. As we stood in the arena next to each other quietly, being present, I heard clearly in my mind “let it go.” I felt it come from Spirit. I cried again. Spirit put his head on my chest and held space for me to cry. That was the last time I cried, and really the last time I let the pain of that sit on me. Spirit gave me permission to “let it go.” Spirit does not live in the past. He doesn’t resent me because of the dressage training. He lives in the present; and in the present, we are at peace. He sees no need to spend time living in the past. I don’t hang onto the grief anymore. And I don’t feel bad for myself anymore because I figured it out and I let it go, with Spirit’s permission and guidance. So, learn from those things that you did that you later think were stupid or embarrassing. The Universe puts experiences into our lives for us to learn at the exact time when you are supposed to learn it. It’s that simple. I don’t mean that you should pretend the past didn’t happen, or that you should try to erase it from your mind. I mean give your younger self some grace, love, and forgiveness. Maya, your younger self did the best she could do to protect you. And, she did. How do I know that? Because you survived. Manasse, your younger self knew exactly what he was doing. He absorbed every experience with the knowledge that all the Creator offered to him was meant to build an incredibly wise and caring human in service to others. The way I see it, both of your younger selves deserve a whole lot of grace, love, and respect for your courage.