This Experience

V - Sticky Notes and Gnats My mind is a mess.  Spiritually I am lost.  My heart keeps me grounded.  Namaste    Every morning upon waking Wayne begins anew and is refreshed. His head is clear, and his spirit is clean. This lasts but only for the briefest of moments to quickly vanish the moment he ventures outside to be greeted by the world. In an instant he is reminded of his suffering, who he is and what he may have previously said or done.  This reunion with this personal hell reignites anger and fear within him. There are sticky notes everywhere, stuck to everyone and everything. Making things even worse there are hundreds to thousands of gnats buzzing around his head flying into his eyes, nostrils, ears and mouth irritating him to no end!   The sticky notes that are on everything and everyone are his reminders of the good, the bad, and the ugly that has occurred during his experience. Unfortunately, the bad and ugly have a tendency of standing out, burying the good long ago From Blissed to Pissed  When Wayne experiences an amazing day and feels good about himself and the world, the moment a sticky note appears he is instantly reminded of who he once was and what he had done. Then the nasty gnats swarm around his head taunting him. They are his constant reminders of the bad and ugly things that were said or done which make it exceedingly difficult, almost impossible, to forget and forgive.  His once amazing day has been transformed into a tragedy of judgement and fear. He has been moved from bliss to pissed. There are so many people with several sticky notes affixed to their faces and bodies to remind him why he should despise or hate them.   The situation becomes even more frustrating and difficult with swarms of gnats buzzing around his head and in his face! They are the incessant thoughts of the good, the bad, and the ugly. They are the bad and ugly thoughts of doubt, worry, anger, and hatred which fly into his mouth, nostrils, eyes, and ears irritating him to no end!   The sticky note reminders and the nagging gnats of incessant thoughts create a living hell. Eventually, after long, some of the notes fall away, but new notes quickly replace the old ones.    To Forgive is to Forget.  Even if someone has forgiven him, he still has his own sticky notes to remind him of what he originally did or said. These gnats of doubt and self-deceit continue to pester him telling him that he is not truly forgiven. He feels as though he is an imposter who does not deserve loving kindness bestowed upon himself. Wayne has become his own worst enemy.  Change  People find it difficult to change. The cause? Sticky notes and gnats! They make it practically impossible to see the Love that is inherent in everyone.    Although, we do have a choice of which memories are written on the sticky notes. The good experiences can replace the usual egoic sticky notes of fear, anger, and hatred. In doing so, the nagging gnats will eventually dissipate to be replaced by butterflies of happiness and all things good.  Resistance   Most people do not and will not change because they believe the lies they have been told by others and the lies they tell themselves. These sticky notes and gnats emanate from various sources; parents, family, teachers, classmates, coaches, colleagues, bosses and so on. We are often bogged down and overwhelmed by an overabundance of sticky notes and gnats which paralyze us.  If we look at the source of our thoughts, begin to identify their origins, and stop the vanity of labeling them as “mine” (and therefore sacrosanct), we notice that thoughts can be looked at objectively. We see that their origins were often the early childhood training from parents, family, and teachers, as well as dribbles and drabbles of information we picked up from playmates, newspapers, movies, television, radio, church, novels, and the automatic input from our senses. All of this went on unwittingly without our having exercised any conscious choice. Not only that, but out of our unconsciousness, ignorance, innocence, and naïveté, plus the nature of the mind itself, we ended up as the composite of all the negative garbage prevalent in the world. Furthermore, we concluded that it applied to us personally. As we become more aware, we begin to realize that we have a choice. We can stop giving authority to all the mind’s thoughts, begin to question them, and find out if there is really any truth in them for ourselves.  — Letting Go, David R. Hawkins, M.D. Ph.D.