True Love:

Fantasy is the candy of our mind. It serves up the sweetness of every perfect dream, all happy scenarios and the absolute delight of the imagination. Disney has no power to win over the Olympic escapades of a fertile, whimsical brain. We love movies, celebrity love stories and books with tales of great and unrequited love. As a child, I read and re-read IVANHOE, imaganing Robert Taylor as the eternal definition of perfect lover and gentleman. These days the antics of a new generation of movie stars bring throngs to theatres or Netflix. Fantasy is a drug of choice for the multitudes of hungry, love-deprived and hopelessly romantic souls in search of a full and happy heart. It may be thought that a life void of fantasy would be boring. The entertainment world brings in millions to billions as it tugs at needy and desperate hearts so willing to plunge into the soothing fantasy of our most treasured and sought-after wish. We become confused and agitated when we try to convince our heads of something that we, inherently, know is a fabrication. The heart will know the lie. Sometimes we persist against the truth, painting images of throbbing hearts in search of each other. If we acknowledge the truth that a wounded heart speaks, we often plot the antics of revenge and our own internal cheers of delight that lead us to temporary comfort as we unwillingly move on to the next fantasy. The needs of the heart will not abrogate the life-long yearnings of love and commitment. Vincent Van Gogh reminded us that “the heart of a man is very much like the sea. It has its storms, it has its tides and it has its depths: it has it pearls, too.” The world of fantasy touches all of these features as it slowly and methodically invites our emotions to contemplate reality. Nothing about the heart and its search for love is more important than this: THE IDEA OF LOVE IS NOT THE EXPERIENCE OF LOVE. We will live out our lives wrestling with this reality. If we are lonely, we find a way to deny that the IDEA is not the salve. When we actually EXPERIENCE the truth of a feeling, there is no lingering doubt, no disturbance about its veracity, and there is a peacefulness that settles in, whether the truth of the experience is welcomed or repugnant. Those who do research in the field of neuroscience have discovered that when we invest in fantasies that are externally controlled we “give away the energy, attention and focus we possess to make a real difference in our own lives.” These are the words of my favorite neuroscientist, James Doty, M.D., the author of MIND MAGIC. Dr. Doty is an adjunct professor of neurosurgery at Stanford University and the director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education (what a wonderful purpose to have!). He repeatedly reminds us that truth and power are not external, but internal. In fact, the research now shows that those who focus on the internal actually can create multi-generational genetic change. That’s amazing…and well worth the effort. We do not have to be programmed with the ubiquitous fantasies provided via social media or the dark web. Nor do we need to be distracted from our own dynamic power and abilities. To do so is to forego our individualism and authenticity only to enter the realm of magical thinking, destructive creativity and unfulfilling results. A great example of the danger of externally-focused fantasy is the case of the narcissist who seeks out the arm-candy mate. The narcissist is exquisitely adept at charm. He embellishes stories of power and influence and abundantly serves up the self-esteem comments so secretly hungered for by the innocent partner. Buying into the fantasy of this psychological manipulation often results in future years of verbal abuse and perpetual unhappiness. The heart was the narcissist’s target because he knew the signs of emotional hunger and vulnerability. Being incapable of true empathy, the narcissist wounds almost as many hearts as he touches. He can easily torture a normal to delicate psyche. The bottom line is that he is incapable of showing ongoing care or love. Therefore, the heart of any developing relationship will eventually ache and lose hope for the self. Years ago I was seeing a lovely young woman, a patient with almost no boundaries. She was in an abusive relationship with her husband, both physically and emotionally, and didn’t know how to get out. A therapist avoids giving orders or passing judgment, if possible. So I asked her if she were afraid for her life. She had no trouble nodding her head in agreement but volunteered that if she left him (a reasonably well-known man in the community) that he would certainly track her down and do her harm. She visibly shook as she answered my questions. I had visions of the movie, SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY, but focused on what was possible for this woman who had no skills in self-protection. Every time we would review her escape options she would voice her concern about her husband, stating that he would be so hurt because he loved her dearly. The FANTASY and the REALITY were certainly at odds. And I could discern no courage in her vision of herself. She was worn down and feeling helpless and hopeless. On a whim, I called a friend of a friend who worked for a shelter for battered women. I was able to get in touch with a very capable, committed volunteer in the shelter. After hearing of the possible issues with my patient, she said that the only way for her to be truly safe was via the underground. I caught my breath, feeling like I was some sort of secret agent in a clandestine operation of immense importance. With the patient’s permission, I gave her the number provided, and she made plans. She came to my office for one last session, voicing her abject fear, but she admitted her fate was escape or possible death or familial imprisonment. One day while retrieving my phone messages, I heard her voice. She said: “I am free. I will learn to be brave.” I have never heard from her again. Learning that her husband had obtained a divorce and remarried, I wondered how all that came about legally.