Too Much

It didn't seem like my friends or family members were struggling in the same way as I was. It looked easy and natural for them to fall in line and just be what the world expected them to be. Something must be wrong with me. I must be some kind of weirdo or bad person that I feel the desire to defy the rules of society. I was a rotten egg. I might look okay from the outside, but further examination would prove I was "off". I would never pass the sniff test. I had been told many times throughout my life that I was too much of something: too loud, too rebellious, too emotional, too vocal, too sensitive, too impulsive, too aggressive, too beautiful, too opinionated, too outspoken, too needy, too wild, too free-spirited. You name it. I was never the right amount of what I should have been. You're too much, Caroline. Reign it in.

My internal struggles to silence my inner knowing directly affected my actions and decisions. I often did what I felt I was supposed to or what was expected of me because I had learned that my instinctual choices could not be trusted. I wasn't quite right and didn't naturally align with what the world expected me to be. It wasn't so much about people pleasing as it was a way for me to make sure I fit in. A way to make sure I didn't stand out as being different. Not always, believe me I did my fair share of rule-breaking in my life, but the choices I feared would cause me shame or to be looked at as "different"; those were the ones I silenced my inner voice on.

"Shut up. You aren't like everyone else. Just do what you're supposed to." I often failed to speak up and express my true emotions because I was afraid of what others would think of me. I knew I was kind of a black sheep in the eyes of the world, but I wasn't ready for others to know that about me. Heck, I didn't even like knowing it about myself. It felt like I was always having to hide something. Always having to adjust and adapt so I appeared to be normal. I played by the rules (outwardly at least) and did all the things I thought I should do to either fit in with the crowd and my friends, or to make my parents happy. I silenced my inner voice so much that she eventually faded to barely a whisper. Over time, it became easier and easier to tune her out completely...