Healing in the Present Moment

The Family Years of my first marriage were spent in a dysfunctional alcoholic relationship. I was young and consumed with work and raising a daughter. I could not depend on my husband for stability in any area of life. Anger, resentment, fear, exhaustion, hurtful, deception, and dishonest are words to describe life during those years. All I could think of in those days was how to cope and how to escape the current situation. Feelings of anger and disgust swirled inside a firestorm of rage choking my innards with violence. I wavered in the realm of insanity where the spirit is raw, primal and animal-like, coiled and ready to pounce for survival. Somewhere deep within a switch turns on and halts the point of no return and you know beyond a doubt that what you have become is the darkest most frightening person you never want to be again. You are crushed inside from the truth you can never trust this person whom you gave your heart; depend on or have faith in this person ever again. It is gut wrenching pain and fury coming to grips that your spouse, once loved, will not return to the man you met and dreams of future ever come true. It is a death blow to the heart. Fear engulfs and strangles the spirit and you succumb to the powerlessness alcoholism creates. When your heart is wounded you live in hope that someone can help you, and the harsh reality of knowing you are on your own deepens the feelings of isolation and despair. You get sick and tired of the selfishness of the alcoholic because every part of life seems to revolve around them and their needs. You sink to the bottom of the well in misery for as long as it takes to lift your head and look up to the light of living. The truth about addiction is; no one can influence an addict to get the help they need unless they desire change themselves. Chemical changes are immense in the brain which no longer thinks logically or feels emotion as a normal person would transforming them into an unreasonable, unmanageable, dysfunctional being. Addiction creates behaviours that mask emotion and anxiety the addict is trying to avoid by sedation through substance abuse. An alcoholic drinks because they like it and how it numbs the situation in play. Emotions run a gamut when living with addiction. Anger and hopelessness turn you upside down. Living in daily uncertainty can make you crazy and it is okay to be pissed off. No one can tell you the best direction or guide your steps for gaining control of life as they are not living in your circumstances and each relationship with addiction is different. Educating myself with information about the disease and its impact on families and hearing countless heartbreaking testimonials certainly brought profound change in me. In a moment of clarity I realized, wait a minute, I did not create this problem, I am not responsible for his drinking.You do need help getting out of the blaming cycle as bad stuff has been dumped in your lap festering injustice and you are responsible for seeking strength to accept what you cannot change. The state of helplessness is avoidance to face the problems presented to us. For all the women, men and young adults who are presently walking through a dark hour the question of why addiction has come into your life may not be revealed in the present moment but seeking answers in the outside world will not yield all truths either. You may feel you have no choices but you always do. It may be basic survival for yourself and children that push you towards change but do not hesitate one more day to appreciate the potent power you have within to move one step forward towards a place of safety and a peaceful heart. The consequences we live with are from choices made whether or not they are good or bad. Once you are emboldened to take action you are no longer the victim. Denial by the addict and family perpetuates disaster and if you are not aware of the manipulative personality pattern of addiction you become the enabler or rescuer. You cannot keep them safe from harm, poor health, embarrassment, or self-destruction. They are on a dark path for as long as it takes. The addict despises how they hurt others but the overwhelming desire to find relief from anxiety trumps atonement until sobriety is achieved. Remind yourself as many times as it takes, you cannot fix what is broken. Alcohol ravages rational thought creating chaos as the alcoholic manipulates situations in their favour for perpetuating their rationale for needing the next drink. Once you accept this as truth only then can you effectively help yourself and loved ones. There is nothing you have done or ever will do that makes an alcoholic choose to have the next drink. Do you really think you are that powerful or influential that you can actually force someone to drink by what you say or do? The choice to remain or leave my alcoholic marriage was mine to make. There was so much to learn from that challenge and many emotions to deal with before taking responsibility and coming to a place of acceptance. Healing in the present moment comes when you can accept your relationship with the addict through an open heart, loving unconditionally and understanding no matter the outcome you are not responsible for their addiction. It is peeling away the layers of anger; seeing the “bigger picture” of their soul without placing conditions and simply, purely, loving another being where there is no personality or deeds done to direct the state of love. It is seeing the inner core of someone; the light, love, truth of their soul, NOT the physical addictive personality. If you can do this and let go with your soul, you will be free.