The Beginning Is Near

Stranger in the House Tuesday February 11 There’s a stranger in the house, and that stranger is me. I find kitchen things in the wrong places. The house thermostat has been set on a program that makes us both too hot, but we can’t figure out how to change it. He thinks Julie set it accidentally when she was over. The wood stove thermostat has been changed too. And she’s been wearing my hiking boots and skiing in my skis. (But, come to think of it, I did ask Spirit what to do with them). It dawns on me that this is no longer my house, that she may eventually be here instead of me. It feels like a death, like I no longer exist. I must remind myself that I have a future somewhere else. In the evening, we get in the car and take a couple of books back to the library. Beautiful night. James decided we should go for a drive. We went into a laneway that felt like a dead end, but he saw what he thought was a snowy road to the pub. As it happened it was the walking path, and a couple of people and dogs were walking towards us. We backed up to the road. I had a feeling James wanted to go to the pub, but I heard a voice tell me not to go. Emphatically. The voice said that he wasn’t supposed to intervene, but he had to. It was all so urgent and romantic. He said, “You don’t need beer anymore” and then made me feel totally blissed out. Amazing, but true. An eighties Mr. Mister song, Kyrie Eleison —Lord Have Mercy—comes to mind. Wednesday February 12 Just had a massage with a therapist I’ve been seeing for a couple of years. We’ve always had good talks, but this time it was extraordinary. She’s been going through intuitive opening and has been working on herself much like I have. She says she knows several people who are experiencing the same thing but talking themselves out of it. After all, hearing voices means you’re crazy, right? She thinks that we will be teaching others about it. I think she may have something there. I’ve been working on self-love again, remembering that I am enough, that I am worthy of love. Here’s a link to an amazing meditation that I found on the Insight Timer app: Sarah Blondin’s Practicing Gentle Kindness Toward Oneself. I go for a walk and my heart opens to love everything: the blue, blue sky, the sparkling shimmering snow, the dark tree silhouettes, the cold bright air. I think about spiritual love and how it opens us to intuition and connection. Monday February 17 James and I had a heart-to-heart tonight after he got back from a long weekend away with Julie. They had a rough time getting along. I had warned him that road trips can bring out the worst in us. They’re still together, just limping a little. I told him about my inner experiences, including a mention of my twin flame, my soulmate. He accepted everything. He said I looked like I did in the hospital; there was a radiance around me. I’m so happy he understands. I had a feeling he wanted to get back together, but he said that he realizes that it’s best for both of us if we move on. I think Crosby, Stills & Nash’s Suite: Judy Blue Eyes illustrates my feelings about us over the past years. I used to think everything was fine, but now I see that I was unhappy and didn’t want to admit it and face the consequences. Wednesday February 19 Down in the kitchen making coffee, James asked for a hug this morning, looking bereft. I gave him one. I am off to my lawyer’s today to get her perspective on the separation agreement that he and I crafted over the past week with the help of a template provided by his lawyer. My lawyer, after some discussion, says that this is a fair agreement, though I could ask for more—most people do, seeking vengeance. She has several suggestions for changes in wording to clarify our intent. I will visit her again next week to sign the revised document. I feel conflicting emotions: relief, sadness, excitement, and awe of the power behind the transformation occurring in my life. But no wish for vengeance. Later, I called my dad to tell him the news about our separation. I wanted to wait until it was somewhat official. He was remarkably positive, saying that I would be fine in Vancouver, and asking me to let him know if I needed anything. I also told him about Julie, something I had planned to avoid discussing. I wanted him to know that there was no going back, and this seemed to be the best way to explain. My father said, “He won’t be able to replace you.” I can always count on my dad to be there for me. Later, as I got into the big king-sized bed, I called out to the guest room across the hall, “I feel like the queen of the castle.” James responded, “You are. And I’m the dirty rascal.”