Missing Pieces

Pitter patter pitter patter pitter pat pat. One isolated raindrop causes no harm. The storm builds, the drops accumulate and before you know it, you're underwater. Gasping for one breath at a time, frantically treading water, uncertain if the next breath will come. I have felt this many times as I navigate through anxiety and depression. I have always been an energetic and loving person. I smile and laugh a lot. This persona does not match up with my depression. I have occasionally wondered, Is this a facade? How can I smile and feel so dead inside at times? In my contemplation, I invited my inner critic to let loose. Over time, I have concluded that there is nothing fake about me or my welcoming smile and bubbly personality. It is God. It is God who is shining through me in those moments. It is God who has gifted me with those qualities to get through the tough stuff. When I have revealed my battle with depression over the years to a few close friends, they each were in disbelief because of my outward persona. If anything, it was quite isolating to have my happy exterior not match up with the hurt I felt inside. No one can know your inner struggle unless you share it with them. That is very difficult to do when you are ashamed of and haven't come to terms with the fact that you have a mental illness. I was caught up in the fear that I wouldn't be accepted and that I would be judged as “crazy” if I shared my true self. Stress responses are part of our biology and often keep us out of danger. The problem occurs when a person gets stuck in a stress state (fight, flight, or freeze). A person can get stuck in a stress state when the brain and body are unable to naturally process the trauma. As our bodies are constantly experiencing stress, it is as if the trauma continues to happen whether we are conscious of it or not. The trauma can manifest in the body and be the cause of emotional and/or physical disease. I had been in a stress state for decades and had no idea this was the case, until recently. I realize now that I was fluctuating between fight, flight, and freeze states and was very seldom ever in a place of true calm or status quo. This explains my jumpiness and why I would often feel on edge and would easily be triggered or startled. Many of my decisions and emotional responses came from this frightened place. I am much more mindful of my state of mind now, and I often catch myself becoming tense and ready to react out of fear. Throughout my journey and battle with my depression and anxiety, I have found some effective strategies. Initially, I had hoped that each one would be the cure-all, but time proved that this wasn't realistic. Looking back, I was seeking a fix instead of accepting and embracing all parts of me. I continued to view myself as broken and not enough. I felt that I needed to keep adding things or trying things to change my situation. This can be a positive mindset, but I was coming from a place of not accepting and loving myself for who I was at my core. There are several things that I have discovered and learned along the way that have supported my health and well-being. I use the analogy of looking at myself and my struggles as a puzzle, and each strategy or therapy I try is a puzzle piece. Some fit perfectly and some don't fit at all. At first, some may seem to fit, but then I may realize that they don't belong in that part of the puzzle or maybe they don't fit in my puzzle at all. The following chapters are resources for you. I am sharing them to let you know that you are not alone and to bring hope if you are feeling stuck or frustrated on your journey toward healing. Don't be discouraged if some aren't up your alley or if you've tried some and they weren't right for you. I encourage you to look at this as trial and error. Keep what works for as long as it serves you and pass by the rest.