The Gift of Parenting

“The first five years have so much to do with how the next 80 turn out.” -Bill Gates So let’s start in the best place to start… the beginning. And, let’s start with what we know for sure. The beginning is early childhood and what we know for sure is that it matters. No, it doesn’t just matter. It matters A LOT! More times that I care to think, I have heard, “Does early childhood really matter?” “They are just kids… they don’t really know anything.” “What happens, or doesn’t happen, when a child is two or three or four doesn’t matter. They won’t remember it.” These ideas couldn’t be farther from the truth. Early childhood experiences not only matter, they are critical in the development of a whole person…for positive lifelong outcomes. We know exposure and experiences, or a lack of exposure and experiences, have a tremendous impact on later success. Not just academic success, but social/emotional success. We spend a great deal of time in early childhood focused on teaching ABCs and 123s and give little attention to the types of social skills that will be necessary to be truly successful later in life. We have to shift out of our cultural focus on teaching cognitive skills in early childhood and move to supporting the development of early social skills, language skills and problem solving skills. Yes, cognitive development is important, but we can teach those academic readiness skills that are needed while we work to support the development of social skills, communication and problem solving. The truth is it all matters. If we miss the opportunities in the first five years, we are missing a lot. Quality experiences, feeling connected and feeling safe are so important for young children. We must take the time to invest in children. We must treat children with care and respect. We know these early experiences have a profound effect on lifelong outcomes. Yes, there will be negative experiences for our children. Yes, they will have meltdowns, become angry and frustrated and will be sad. That’s all part of the journey. However, the positive experiences should outweigh the negative. There should be more joy and less sadness. Children should feel valued, loved and wanted. When we invest in our children, we invest in our future. The really cool part is we get to watch our investment grow right before our eyes. We become the witness of our work. Do the work… it will be worth it! Raising children is no joke! It’s work… real work. So how do you know if you’re doing it right? Well, honestly, I’m not sure you do. Half the time you go with your gut and the other have the time you feel like you’ve been kicked in the gut. Next thing you know, you’ve become your mother… or your father… and you’re doing all the things your parents did that you swore you’d never do if you ever had kids. Likely there is one thing you know for sure. You know you want to do your best to raise this kid so they won’t live with you forever. Yes, you’ll be sad when they are grown up and ready to leave the nest (not really… promise) and yes, you’ll be proud of who they have become (and may even give yourself a pat on the back), but it will be no easy task to create this independent, contributing member of society. There are many paths your child can take, and some of them are not so pretty; others are bumpy and rough, and others are filled with sunshine and buttercups. It is parent’s challenge to find the balance as you raise the child the universe has entrusted to your care. This chapter will focus on the difference between independence and self-directed behavior. There is a difference, at least there is for me, and I want to share my perspective on the topic. When my girls were born, I knew I wanted to raise strong, independent women. My goal was to teach them to rely on themselves. I wanted them to want a partner, not need a partner. I wanted them to have a voice… a loud voice… if they felt the need to use it. I wanted them to do whatever they wanted to do (within reason, of course). I wanted my daughters to know no boundaries and to reach for their goals. It goes without saying this was NOT the way I was raised. I had to fight to become independent and free thinking. I don’t recall anyone ever telling me I could do anything I wanted and that they had my back…nope, never happened for me. So, I was going to make damn sure it happened for my daughters. I had a goal for sure. I just needed a plan. The one thing I knew for sure was the difference between a goal and a dream was a plan. I needed a plan. My goal was strong, independent daughters; my plan was anything opposite of what my parents had done. I feel confident most of you reading this book are not unlike me. You also want to raise strong, independent children. You want them to be good citizens. You want them to be financially independent and move out of your house! All of these are excellent goals. So, what’s your plan? Do you have a plan or are you just winging it, praying you’re able to keep it out of the ditch? Newsflash… that is not a plan! You can do better. If you’re reading this book and your child is 8, or 9 or 10 and you feel like you’re already in the ditch or you’re headed that way, don’t lose hope. You can recover; it’s just going to take work. If you’re reading this book and your child is under 3, YAY! You are in the prime years to create that strong, independent child. Let’s get to work!