"I am done! I am discovering happiness and joy no matter the cost."
I am the essence of my existence and the cause of my continued issues, I am responsible and accountable for my life as I know it to be today, and anything happening within me I am now allowing. I am making a choice to ignore and neglect the truths I do not want to face. What happens if I am to face a truth that I then have to live with? I guess we will have to see!
Will I be brave enough to stand tall in the light and be seen as my raw, real, and vulnerable true self? As I show myself mercy and step out of the protective armor I had worn for so many years, will I truly be able to walk out and be free? Free from my own bondage of the illusions of my truth, the stories, and lies that held me captive for so long. As I think of myself, and those I show mercy and compassion to, along with their mistreatments of me or those around me, I feel every one of these individuals are the reflection of myself I had been making excuses for. If I made excuses for them, I was making excuses for me. Wow! What a lie I had been living in, to have never realized that the lenses I was looking through this whole time were a reflection of me and my life.
Through the eyes of even those who abused my soul emotionally, and whether it had been carried out intentionally or unintentionally, I was ultimately responsible for letting them in and allowing the behavior to continue with a belief that at some point if they changed, I would be at peace. The truth was that if they did change, it would be because they made the choice to change, and I was then just reaping in the rewards of their win. I would still be searching for another piece to not be okay. Who would I be, without waiting for the tower moment of death and destruction, of when the essence of me would then not be enough? I had played and toyed around with the game of Russian roulette for long enough within this life. I have been a storywriter and teller, queen of lies, and faces of masks for so long that my fear of the truth has become crippling to me.
The cost of living has cost me everything I could not afford to lose, but God has given me many golden gifts and for that I say, “Thank you.” Sometimes you just cannot see the gifts. From this point on, I sit in the experience of ultimate joy and happiness, and as I always say, “You can’t make this shit up!” I was about to start this book through the pain, but a call had come in and distracted my very thought, a call that my future grandchild will be a little girl. I sit with my salty tears and a heart I cannot contain. From beginning to end, in this book my one true joy has always been my daughter, who is now carrying the next generation of strong powerful women. This book is written with my future granddaughter in mind. She is worthy of the cycles being broken, but with faith in the process that the cycle of strong women in our lives today be the ones to break that cycle, starting with me.
I now sit at a scarred desk caused from holding vigil for a beautiful young woman who is courageously battling her way through her journey of pain, making us question God and the why of it all. The power of the flame shattering through the glass vase, and leaving its mark upon on the desk. I am reminded of my rise from the ashes, opening me up to the awareness of the honor I feel as I sit in grace, the clairvoyant in me can clearly see the unfolding of the future events of this movement we are now in the wake of experiencing. I graciously and humbly ask of you to be open and compassionate to my truth as it has been received by all versions of me and the messages from channel I have been asked to communicate through my beliefs and faith. I am sorry if they offend, but the I AM of truth to my existence is not without my connection to the Holy Council of Jesus, Mother Mary and all whom I will speak of, I do not exist, like a mixed blend of spice favorable to some but not to all. I now take you on my journey of More Than Existing.