Possibility Mind Shift

Checking Your Temperature We can all learn from anything, from anyone, anywhere, anytime…if there’s a level of awareness and openness. It has been said that a fish doesn’t see its own water just like we don’t see our own circumstances. Often, we’re so absorbed in our daily lives that we miss important signs. Our eyes only see outward, so it’s easy for us to see the behaviour of others and “know” what they should do. Yet the most important person for us to observe is our self to live the fullest life possible – after all, we can’t change anyone else, we can only change ourselves. So, get ready to learn from fish and frogs, people and things, and most of all yourself. Imagine a frog jumping into boiling water…it will leap straight out to save its life. But imagine that same frog springing into a pot of cool water on a heat source while the temperature is gradually increased. That frog will slow with fatigue as the temperature rises, continuing to paddle with diminishing energy until it succumbs to that increased heat and total exhaustion. This parable reminds us that we are hard-wired to respond to immediate threats to our survival but a gradual change can be just as insidious and dangerous. It will slowly, over time and circumstances, sap our energy and drain our reserves. We need to NOTICE our discomfort rather than avoid it. Being overly stretched provides a convenient excuse for limiting behaviours that includes less time and attention for family, friends, fun and self. This behaviour is an example of the “boiled frog” syndrome where we forget what it feels like to be happy and fulfilled. It’s nearly impossible to break these habits unless we intentionally pull out of the water we are swimming in, assess the temperature, and examine the heat sources. Only then are we able to make the appropriate adjustments. Over many years, my husband was extremely ill with diabetes and kidney disease. I was primarily a caregiver during that time. As much as I needed to be there for him, I found that I was losing myself in that role. I realized that I needed to take care of myself but didn’t know how. I didn’t even know what I liked for myself anymore…I had forgotten who I was. Through a coaching process, the question was asked of me “what did you love to do when you were a kid?” I remembered that I loved singing, music, dancing and sports. I had been playing my guitar at home alone all along, but this realization highlighted my need for socialization. I reached deep into my courage and stepped through my fear to audition for a singing group and booked a golf lesson (both things I wasn’t all that good at!)…and those two things have been feeding my soul through the last years of my husband’s illness, his death and the regrowth into my new life. At a meeting set up for a group of people planning an excursion together, I found myself reacting angrily to a man who had taken over the meeting. His wife had done most of the planning and it felt like he was pushing her out of the way and not letting her talk. I got a little snarky with him and then recalled many occasions in my young adulthood where I had felt men either disregarded or belittled me because I was a woman. I was puzzled by my reaction. I couldn’t really think of a reason why I would respond in that manner. It was easier to think the guy was a jerk! A few days later it hit me that in my family of origin, the boys were more highly valued than the girls. I had grown up knowing that my brother, just because he was a boy, had more value to my parents. No wonder I reacted the way I did. Understanding this has taken some of the angst out of dealing with more aggressive men. It had limited my success in situations where I didn’t recognize what was happening allowing my emotion to inappropriately influence my actions. I now recognize my own self-worth without the need to feel protective when challenged by men. I can address the issue at hand without the emotional charge. Another great lesson learned and an awakening! In his book “Simplicity and Success”, Bruce Elkin uses the analogy of living our lives as if we were a train; moving straight ahead, pushing through with no ability to change direction or make a turn. On a train trip you know exactly where your starting and finishing points are, what area you will travel through, how long it will take and all the stops in between. It is predictable and fixed. Consider what the differences would be if you lived your life as if you were on a sailboat. You know where you are starting and where you want to end up, but your route will vary depending on the tides and the weather. You may encounter storms, mechanical difficulties, and other challenges that will determine your destiny. Instead of following a fixed and detailed plan you have to be flexible, dealing with change and circumstances as they occur. If blown off course, you can use tools to determine your current position and make the necessary corrections. Compare this to what happens when a train goes off the track!! Perhaps this analogy can be applied to life. Like a sailor, have clear objectives in mind and check regularly to ensure you are remaining on course. Focus on your goal and have the flexibility to make the necessary changes as dictated by circumstances. Similar to a sailor, do what you need to do in order to get to your destination. How do you live your life every day? As a sailor or a railroad engineer?