The Search

Like a toddler who needs to learn when to hold on and when to let go, I soon came to associate parenting my feelings with what I called ‘emotional toilet training’. I had to teach myself to hold on and let go of my feelings safely and lovingly, rather than letting them build up inside or explode. I had learned not to trust my natural emotional state. This was mainly because when I was a child there was usually so much going on for the busy adults who cared for me at home or at school. Even in typical day-to-day situations, children can get confused about their emotions. For example, a child might say, ‘I’m frightened,’ when they experience a thunderstorm, and a well-meaning adult might say, ‘No, you’re not, there’s nothing to be frightened about.’ So the child learns that what they felt was not valid and that they can’t trust their own feelings. Traditionally in Western cultures, vulnerable feelings like sadness or fear were, and often still are, perceived as weakness. A person who expresses themselves emotionally is seen as less able to cope than someone logical and rational. It seems our culture has confused the ‘holding on to’ and the ‘letting go of’ feelings. As a result, many of us have developed a fear of our feelings. We prefer to rationalise and hold on, sometimes to the extent of not really experiencing many of our feelings at all. The result can be negative consequences for our health – physical and mental – and for our relationships. An extensive study supports the notion that Western society could do some work on building emotional intelligence. The study investigated nine countries and found that cultures that value the needs of the group or community demonstrate more emotional intelligence. This is not the case in Western cultures where individuals are considered more important (Gunkel, Schlägel, & Engle, 2014). Sadly this also often extends further to privilege some individuals over others, depending on gender, sexual orientation, culture, ability and so on. It was important that the inner parent in me attempted to teach my emotional self (my inner child) a few things about emotions.  I needed to learn to feel comfortable with my own and others’ expressions of feelings.  I needed to have a healthy balance between holding on to and letting go of feelings.  I needed to have healthy boundaries when it came to choosing where, when, how and with whom to express feelings. Emotions became overwhelming when my third and youngest daughter was admitted to hospital with a rare blood disease at two years of age. This time I was no longer scared to feel them. Although I knew I needed to hold on and wait for a safe time and place to address my feelings, I prioritised appointments with myself to do so. Then I invited the fear and sorrow to flow. Unlike previous times in my life when big emotions were present and I suppressed them only for this to cause issues later, I no longer feared the emotions themselves. This allowed them to move freely, just like the word emotion suggests: e-motion – energy in motion. I had learned by this time that no one has ever died from feeling! Gradually, I discovered how to make friends with my feelings. This included alleviating the impact of unnecessary and unhelpful feelings. For example I learned to accept my mistakes on the way, without too much self-rejection or guilt. I also needed time to heal old emotional wounds, which were finding their own dysfunctional way of being released. At these times, I imagined what I would have been like if I had done none of this. That was a scary thought: even just to think what my health would have been like. However, it also served to put my good efforts into perspective and focus on my achievements, not just my mistakes. How to get OVER it Often when people don’t know what to do with someone who is depressed or anxious, they tell them to ‘get over it!’ I am sure the other person would if they knew how. While suppressing feelings is not the long-term answer, there is a way to get over it, but it’s a process. It will take time and attention: how much time and attention depends on the nature and depth of the hurt. Getting over it does not mean we suddenly think ‘that’s a good idea’, and then we are okay! The OVER approach emerged from different stages of my search for emotional wellbeing. It has helped me get over emotionally charged day-to-day challenges and has also assisted in overcoming long-term emotional pain. It brings together four processes for supporting emotions.