The Trusted One
An Insider’s View into the Secret World of Guardianship
by
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THE TRUSTED ONE
Introduction
December 2017
I met three women on a train. I was seated with them in the dining car. The Amtrak train was traveling overnight from the chilly north to the warm southern states. We talked into the night, telling stories of why we were there. Each woman at the table was traveling toward or away from a crisis for an elder. My calling!
I explained that I was an elder advocate and I was returning from a two-year struggle to keep my best friend, Stephan, with Parkinson’s and dementia as happy as possible. Stephan had asked me to keep him as free as possible, even though he now needed twenty-four/seven care. I loved him. I understood him, so I achieved his wish for as long as I could. It was expensive in every way and worth it.
Now I was traveling from way up north in Quebec. Two days ago, I closed on the sale of Stephan’s highly mortgaged house. I felt much relief and much satisfaction at having succeeded on what he wished for: Freedom and financial stability.
These three fellow travelers told me their own stories of crisis and encouraged me to finish writing about my experiences as a guardian because they, each in a different way, needed to find their way to people and services they could truly trust.
Each woman needed help. Not that they were helpless people. They were amazing women! Ella was a retired Disney executive and her friend Julie was a lawyer turned writer on a spiritual path. Julie and Ella were coming back from a court appearance in Washington DC. Ella’s brother was dying in hospital when his hired nurse married him bedside so she could inherit his fortune. Ella protested. Then the hired nurse turned around and accused Ella of being the bad guy and of interfering in her brother’s wishes. So, the spiritual-path writer, Julie put on her lawyer cap to support her friend to ride the train to Washington DC to testify as defendant at her brother’s so-called wife’s court case against her.
Ella was forced to defend herself in a deeply exploitative scenario. “How could my brother’s friends let this happen to him on his death bed? How come I’m the bad guy!”
These two women found great lawyers, rounded up witnesses and even though they lost the money to his nurse, they succeeded in saving the family homestead for family.
The stress of being accused was uncomfortable for Ella. She was forced to defend against a bully who used that old tactic: “The best defense is a good offense.” Julie saw Ella’s need for help and so supported her friend during a long ordeal. It did not enhance the friendship. Ella suffered from arthritis. She needed a cane and lived in pain. Ella was grumpy. She entered a cocoon and stopped talking with Julie the day she exited the car that came off the auto train. Their homes in different towns, Julie tried to stay in touch, but ultimately the exhausted silence between those two friends prevailed.
My friendship with Julie, the lawyer turned writer on a spiritual path, continues today. She has been curious, encouraging and wise during this writing process. She has requested ideas and strategies from me when her elderly neighbors and loved ones have needed support. I have recommended trustworthy colleagues in her area and I have presented to Julie some of my elder advocacy dilemmas too. She is brilliant, humble and collaborative.
The other dinner companion was Stephanie, a wedding planner. She told us she was traveling to a town just south of mine. She was traveling toward her estranged father who was an alcoholic. He had moved in with his parents, her grandparents. They died and now her father was unable to cope in their home. As well they left tons of money and Stephanie was worried. Should the money be in a trust? Did he need a guardian? As well, she was worried about how to connect with him or even… did she want to connect with him? I gave her the name of a lawyer I know for sure has integrity, who does not overcharge, who will be able to collaborate with her and her father to find solutions. She was walking into a possible guardianship for her father so I explained that she had choices. I gave her the name of a very wise geriatric care manager/guardian I trusted who I knew would try to avoid guardianship. This care manager would rather mediate and develop a plan without incurring expensive court costs and public records in establishing a guardianship. I gave her “who to trust”.
This dinner and sharing into the night offered solace and inspiration. I felt soothing resonance and any loneliness I felt from standing strong in advocacy for Stephan and for others before him seemed to heal. These women validated me and loved what I was doing. We were healing one another. It was one of those times when I knew I was exactly where I was meant to be.
I shared more stories of keeping my best friend out of an institution going on two years. I told them more about my experiences over years of being a guardian. I saw good guardians everywhere who mentored me with generosity and compassion. I also witnessed cruelty and lack of respect for elders that made me burn and made me want to speak out.
I was guardian to a woman living with schizophrenia. She needed a guardian, and that collaboration was successful. However, I have a desire to remove the word “guardian” from elder care in the way that elders in crisis do not need to lose their civil rights. Europe does not do it this way. Germany would not dare to remove anyone’s civil rights because of full awareness of the crimes and discriminations committed against people with disabilities during the Nazi period of 1933–45. Why are we in America doing it?
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About the Book
Are you or a loved one headed for a health crisis, a loneliness crisis, or a crisis of neglect, abuse, or exploitation? In The Trusted One, author Annie B. Wagner shares her stories of her work as a professional advocate and guardian for the elderly and offers advice and guidance for those walking on that journey. Wagner tells of her positive experiences, successful guardianships, enhancing lives, and avoiding crisis. She also witnesses guardianships that did not serve the interests of people who may be incapable of handling their own affairs. She discusses the tragedies of unnecessary control over elders by the ethically remiss in society as well as the undue control of vulnerable adults by those who are charged with protecting them from neglect, abuse, and exploitation. All my clients have had to overcome a crisis. They needed an advocate. They tell their stories to help others. My clients and I also speak out for the many trustworthy guardians everywhere, who “hold space” for their clients every day and are not always well supported in this American system. We hope to help in avoiding crisis altogether, but if not, we hope to solve some worries about, “How can we know who to trust?” Annie B. Wagner
About the Author
Annie B. Wagner had a long career behind the scenes in the film industry. When she retired, she started renovating houses, became a hospice volunteer, and cared for her loved ones when they needed her. This led to the calling she writes about here. Wagner is an elder advocate, a national certified guardian, and a certified dementia practitioner who focuses on providing emotional care for those living with dementia.