Change Your Story—Despite the Diagnosis
Living Well with Fibromyalgia and other Mental Health Illness
by
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INTRODUCTION No matter how amply my family tried to convince me that living an impoverished life was are lot in life, I refused to buy into it and believed in greater things to come. And though I love them with all my heart, I could not accept that mediocre life was meant for me. I just want to apologize to those that may still be living if this and some of my stories sound harsh or critical. But I assure you they know what I mean. Living an idle life was not for me. My first realization that I had a broken soul, was when I had emotional breakdowns beginning in early childhood, that only got worse in my late teens to early twenties. From the dysfunctional environment I found myself in was not very healthy or emotionally supportive at the time. I did not know what a healthy family or relationship was but continued to love the best I knew how. Besides my oldest brother, who I considered the devil in disguise as he is quite the psychedelic artist and extremist back in the day. And although I wasn’t in alignment with his way of living, I knew he cared about me and tried his hardest to protect me in more ways than was welcomed. His obsession over my safety only drew me away from him as I was afraid he would hurt or scare away those I wanted to be close to. He also made it difficult for me to grow into a confident woman by discouraging me to become a beauty queen like so many of my other relatives did. On the one hand he was against enhancing one’s beauty and on the other demoralized and admired woman by painting them as goddesses while viewing porn in books, movies and posters. I really resented these portrayals of woman and porn in our home and vowed not to let it happen in my own. I believe due to the early exposure to porn and other demoralizing depictions of woman in our home, my three other brothers were extremely oversexed and considered pedophiles or sexual predators. I believe this may have been a karmic trait past down from generations on both my mothers and father’s side of the family. This is one of our family shadows that neither my parents could face or deal with in a constructive manner, as back then there was no counselling available for this mental illness. Even when I confided in them about it, they refused to believe it was “that bad” and considered it as just a growing phase. Despite mine and my sister’s constant complaints nothing was ever done about. Unfortunately, I believe my sister was victimized more than myself as I was able to defend myself by being assertive and threatening them that I would let my oldest brother and uncle (who was also extremely obsessed with protecting us and had a violent temper) know who I believe would have hurt them badly. My sister I later found out endured more from what I saw, I tried to stop. I felt so powerless and helpless and sorry for her. Later in life when she managed to forgive one of my brothers, she allowed him into her home and he molested her daughter. She later charged him, against my mothers wishes and he spent a year in jail. I was on her side and although I loved my brother, I could not allow him into my life as he admitted to me that he had a problem and wouldn’t be able to change. Never the less it was a nightmare and much worse then that, not easy for me to accept or deny. Having your brothers spy on you and violate you did not make it easy to become a healthy normal woman. I resented being a woman because of it and wished that I was a male. Not only did I have to contend with them, but I also had to put up with derogative comments and sexual advances from uncles and other male guests and strangers who believed that I was some kind of sex symbol. I unfortunately developed into a woman very early in life and had well rounded breasts and curves that I was proud of but felt more like a curse as I was teased and taunted by almost every male I’ve encountered at home, school, friends’ homes and on the street. Although I was able to divert this attention away from myself in a friendly and assertive manner most times, there were times I had to flee or fight to save my dignity. But unfortunately, there were times when I was taken advantage of especially after drinking to much alcohol or being under the influence of drugs and had to live with the shame and guilt that followed. I believe that these incidences of unwelcome sexual attention contributed to me not wanting or able to find the healthy relationships and intimacy I so wanted in my late teen and adult years. It seemed that I was either being victimized by the men in my life and resented by the women in my life for being this way. I always believed that I was a beautiful intelligent creative woman, but I had very low self esteem and tried hard to be friendly and outgoing which was very difficult because I was an introvert and very shy. I guess all the attention I was getting was meant to help me come out of this hell of a hole I was in. All I wanted was to have real friends and healthy relationships that didn’t involve sex, drugs and alcohol. It wasn’t easy living in this sex obsessed world, and I became very isolated, angry and depressed and just didn’t want to be a part of this way of life. I always felt that I didn’t fit in, unless I was partaking in the drugs and alcohol that are so freely available and normalized in todays societies.
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About the Book
This memoir is about living with fibromyalgia and other mental health illnesses that one encounters on our spiritual path on earth or lack of it. How changing perceptions is key to our soul’s growth and survival. How learning to forgive myself and others and appreciating the lessons they’ve taught me. How my life experiences and attitudes may have caused and contributed to all the unnecessary pain and depression I've experienced. My realization that my broken self and soul has led me to seek spiritual healing has been a journey of finding my true passions and purpose in life despite the diagnosis of multiple mental illnesses turned physical. As the saying goes life experiences have a way of allowing us to become more resilient in life. Whatever negative experience doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. Because, I’ve learned to overcome and accept my conditions I am now living the life of my dreams and have learned the power of positive thinking. I choose to be happy because of where I've come from and where I am now, knowing that life is what we make it. My negative experiences and misfortunes are now considered life lessons learned. I admit that I've lived in the victim hood mentality most of my life and have put up with being mistreated by a few low-vibrational beings, and I forgive them. I now know that they were brought into my life to show me how to become a stronger, caring and assertive person. I love and admire all my past and current partners, friends and family and am learning to appreciate and forgive them for any offences. I am truly thankful for and appreciate those people who have contributed to who I am today. I acknowledge that love is a choice and the acts of love are kindness, patience, acceptance and understanding. I have become aware of our weaknesses as spiritual beings having a human experience. We all have choices and can change or begin a new life at any time on our journey. With love, patience, perseverance and faith in our spiritual divine essence I will continue to strive for a joyous life and hope to inspire those around me to find their peace and joy needed to be healthy and whole again. With the knowledge and wisdom acquired along the way, including the medicine wheel and other holistic healing modalities I’ve been on a road to recovery. By practicing these methods, I’ve become aware of my own self healing abilities to help me maintain a balanced, active, fulfilling lifestyle. As explained by elders and other spiritual guides, we begin with the four directions with the center of the wheel representing the Sacred Mystery that to me relating it to Feng Shui principals means Health. Or from a biopsychosocial perspective means mental health. The teachings of the medicine wheel create a biopsychosocial and spiritual foundation for human behavior and interaction. We are all one on the planes of existence that affect our physical behaviours, our mental thoughts, feelings and spiritual beliefs. My sacred journey in life has proven to make me a stronger more grateful person who is continuously learning to have love and have compassion for others. In order to do this one has to be compassionate and loving towards themselves first. I’ve always known this, but it hasn’t been easy when your self image is diminished for the sake of building up others. I have always felt guilty and selfish for practicing self love. It is obvious that, with all the roles we have in life, as a mother, wife, worker, daughter and friend. That getting hung up on life, being so busy as a caregiver, running errands and demands of others has made it difficult at times to practice self care and self love. After many years of counselling and introspection I now love myself more now than ever and take time for my physical and spiritual needs. Even sometimes compromising intimacy seems elusive to your own desires and dreams. Like millions of people out there, I’ve been dealing with mental health issues such as addictions, depression, low self esteem and these debilitating chronic conditions they call fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome and depression throughout my life. Growing up in a prosperity deficient, with a family soup of individuals with dysfunctional habits was not the most enlightening or positive experience one can have, however if you love drama, I’ve had it all.
About the Author
After struggling with Fibromyalgia and other mental health issues for most of her life, Brenda is now well. This is the story of her struggles with the many symptoms of Fibromyalgia, such as chronic fatigue, depression, chronic pain, cognitive brain fog, loss of libido, and mood swings resulting in confusion and her loss of self. Brenda did not accept that there is no cure for the diagnosis her medical advisors gave her. She searched and studied with practice until she found solutions from the holistic and metaphysical community. She is a grateful enthusiast of life who has experienced drama and trauma that’s led to many disappointments, illnesses, and addictions. She is working on full recovery to healing without pain and addiction. To deal with her struggles and life lessons already taught her. She uses and practices alternative healing methods to heal herself and others and is on a journey to become healthy and whole. She also uses the Law of Attraction for manifesting what she needs and desires. Her hope for the future is to help others experience life with more vitality and inspiration. To help them feel connected to others and experience life more awesomely. She aspires to be a well-known Energy Healing practitioner and Health and Wellness Life Coach. To help and guide others to recognize the challenges and lessons that life has presented them thus far. Brenda is currently developing practices and methods to help guide and coach others who are suffering from illness or low self-worth. To develop their SPICE for living life that may include working on the blocks in their life, causing them to be out of balance in these areas: • Spiritual – your purpose and connection with something larger than yourself such as nature, life, Spirit, God creator of all that is, your higher self or consciousness. • Physical – your physical body and environment, that takes into consideration the whole body, and its requirements for food, water, air, sun movement and rest; the material world and our interconnection with it. • Intellectual – the ongoing development of your mental mind to acquire wisdom and knowledge of your world and your perceptions of it. • Communal – the social relationships and communities in which you live, work, or play. • Emotional mindset – the feelings you experience both, positive and negative usually brought on by your beliefs and programming from childhood throughout adulthood. She believes that as spiritual beings having a human experience, we are all worthy of living a healthy and vibrant life. We deserve more, despite our past dramas, traumas, programming, dis-eases, or medical diagnosis. Brenda teaches and practices self-actualization techniques using positive self-affirmations and coaching, combined with many other alternative healing methods. You can explore these with her as she guides you on your journey to self-fulfillment and discovery to be inspired to create the future you desire.