Sunshine 4 Your Soul

We all want to be a 'good' parent don't we? Nobody actually sets out to be a bad parent. But what if I told you that being a good parent isn't necessarily the best way? Of course, you don't want to be a bad parent - so what on earth do I mean? Well, maybe this is the question. Are you a ‘good’ parent? Or a ‘responsible’ parent? And what on earth is the difference?! Well, let’s have a look and find out. Before we start, let’s all agree on one thing. Irrespective of our parenting styles and abilities, we love our children. Full stop. That's it - we just love them. And we would love to give them the world and keep them safe forever. We hope and pray they will grow up to be successful, satisfied, well adjusted, fulfilled and happy. So, the million dollar question is how do we make that happen? How can we help them learn to be confident, balanced, responsible individuals , with high self esteem, and the ability to cope with the challenges life presents? Well, in today's world it seems that parents are often fearful of not giving their children enough. We want to do things for them, and buy them everything we can because we believe this is the best way to show our love for them. Sometimes we end up running round like headless chickens, fetching, carrying, finding things for them, while they sit like little despots issuing their orders! We seem to want to provide a never ending entertainment road show because we hate the thought of them getting bored. We fill their world with toys and gadgets and gizmos to keep them occupied. And the one word we really seem to struggle with saying is NO!! 'No chocolate unless you eat all your lunch,' we say. An hour later the whining reaches unbearable levels, and although they didn’t finish lunch you hand over the chocolate! 'If you do that again, you won't go the party,' we say. They do it again - and again - and yet you still take them to the party! 'If you don't go to bed now you won't go to the park tomorrow,’ we say. Bedtime comes and goes, they’re still charging around, but you take them to the park the following day! Listen, I’m not saying it’s easy! I’ve been there, and in the moment we just try to manage as best we can. But life become more manageable if we provide realistic consequences. We have to be prepared to follow through on our promises. And above all, we must mean what we say. So before you open your mouth and say the first thing that pops out, give yourself a moment to think about it. Consider whether the consequence you are giving them is doable, and whether you will be able to see it through. Because the trouble is, if we keep promising something and then don’t keep that promise, then we lose our credibility and authority and they will run rings around us! We need to stand in our personal power! Maybe you find yourself driving back to school after you’ve dropped them off with their forgotten swimming kit, home work, lunchbox, mobile phone. Even though you reminded them a thousand times! Aren’t you kind? Aren’t you wonderful? And by doing all of this surely you’re being a good parent? You're being caring, kind, loving and helpful. But hold on just a moment, and think about this. Maybe there is a line where being caring, kind, loving and helpful becomes blurred with just doing everything for them. And the result is they don't learn to do anything themselves because they know you will do it instead. So where does the responsibility lie? If we always find their shoes how will they ever learn to take responsibility for putting them away and remembering where they are? If they throw their dinner on the floor and we just keep picking it up and replacing it with more, how will they learn to stop doing that? If they forget their homework and we rush back to school with it to avoid them getting a detention, will they bother to remember for themselves next time? Quite simply, this is how it goes. Real life consists of a series of actions, which result in consequences. So even as children, if we never have to experience the consequences of our actions, then how do we learn to take responsibility for ourselves as we grow up? I know we love giving our children gifts. We love seeing their joy and excitement, it gives us such pleasure. So I’m not saying don't give them gifts. But maybe one of the biggest gifts we can give them is to help them learn how to be responsible for themselves. It costs nothing, but provides everything. If they learn about boundaries, behaviour, actions and consequences when they are children, then they will be better equipped to take responsibility for themselves as adults. This world is full of challenges and pressure. And it's my belief our children have a better chance of becoming balanced, well rounded, responsible people if we put boundaries and rules in place to guide them and keep them safe. The beauty of responsible parenting is that your child is never too young for you to start using this approach. Our children, toddlers, and even babies actually want us to be a responsible parent. They need us to keep them safe with clear, firm boundaries. They like knowing that you mean what you say because this then means that they can trust you. So this is what I mean by being a responsible parent. You’re not your child's friend, you're their parent. This means being the person in charge! So, feel the fear - and say no anyway! If you create a loving, supportive home with rules and expectations that are consistent and clear , then you will build a strong, loving, relationship with your child. Not as mates, or friends, but as responsible parent and happy child.