Badass and Bendy

I notice the world around me now. I notice the things that I imagine most people move right by and never see each day. I notice the color of the sky, not just that it is blue, but the different shades of blue. I listen for the sounds of the different birds, the bark of a dog when I go on a walk, the way the wind blows over a mud puddle and makes it look magical. I am aware of the emotions on people's faces. If you had asked me on November 12, 2006 if I noticed the joy around me, I would've said of course. I thought I was happy. I didn't realize I was just existing as life happened around me. On November 13, 2006 I was 45 years old. I was a wife to an Army officer. I loved to meet him at the door and welcome him home. I supported all of the PCS (permanent change of duty stations) moves he made as a military officer. When you marry a soldier, you marry the military too. I was a mother. I taught my children the importance of education. I gave them the love of books. I taught them to laugh. My children have never doubted that they were loved. I was a volunteer. I believed that "service is rent we pay for space on this planet". I have searched for the author of this quote and found many credits. I do not know who said it first, but I believed it. I was a fitness instructor. I taught step aerobics, kickboxing, body sculpting classes, Taekwondo and yoga. I loved seeing the changes in the people I worked with. On November 12, 2006 - I was teaching eight classes a week and had five personal training clients a week. I was all of those things, but I was also insecure. I didn't know that I could be strong until I had to be strong. I knew that if anything bad was going to happen, someone else would be there to help me. I was a strong woman, but I didn't know how to take care of me. My life wasn't unique. I think many women could insert themselves into my story on November 12, 2006. On November 13, 2006, when I was told, "you have cancer," my known world was gone. Cancer changed me. The day I was diagnosed with cancer, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. There was only fear. On that day, there was only me and the cancer. Cancer took my belief that I would always be healthy. It forced me to look at the way I was living my life. I was married to a man that treated me like I did not matter. I have been asked if cancer caused my divorce. It did not, but cancer made me aware of how unhappy I was. Cancer gave me the strength to take charge of my life. We have all heard the cliché, "you only live once". We pause to agree, then keep on living life as we had been living it. When you are given a diagnosis of cancer you have to face the fact that your only life may be coming to an end. If I had not had cancer, I would not have gone back to school and gotten my bachelor's or master's degree. Those pieces of paper were important to me. I did not believe I could do it. I am not any smarter now than I was before I finished school, but those pieces of paper gave me confidence. Yoga changed for me as well. Before cancer, yoga was just another fitness activity. During and after cancer it was a place of healing. I got through cancer because of the love and support of my children, my desire to stay strong and my yoga practice. I like the person I am today. I like her positivity and her strength. When I was going through chemotherapy, I tried to be positive. Did I cry? Oh yes, I cried. I cried because I was scared, I cried because I was mad at my body for betraying me. I cried because I was just plain tired. I did not let that change my belief that I would be healed. My oncologist asked me to attend a support group for cancer patients. He said I could help them. I did not go. I have felt guilty about not going for years. I have wondered if I could have made a difference in someone's journey during that time. I did not have enough strength to share my story and my hope then. I hope this book helps someone now.