Bourne to Evolve

”IT’S ONLY AS HARD AS YOU MAKE IT” How do you feel when someone minimizes your loss? I'll never forget the day someone who claimed to be a friend and an enlightened soul came up to me and asked me how I was coping with the loss of my husband. At that point in time, it was about six months after my husband had passed and I was in the stage of thawing out and feeling particularly sad and lost. When I responded that the experience was very hard, he looked deep into my eyes and said: "it's only as hard as you make it." My reaction sticks with me to this day. I felt my blood boil, my teeth grind and my soul felt completely crushed. As most people say who have never experienced this level of loss and have no idea what to say to someone experiencing this level of grief, “oh now come on, they’re in a better place and you’re going to be just fine.” Yes, they are I believe in a better place but I AM NOT. I know deep down in my soul that they are correct but that is the very last thing we want to hear. What we do want to hear is something to the effect of “WOW, I’m so sorry about what you must be going through--let me give you a warm and comforting hug.” When people ask you how you're doing, they are very uncomfortable with the conversation and, upon asking you the question of how you're coping with the situation, the answer they pray to hear is that you're doing absolutely fine and are now ready to move forward with your life. With that response, they won't be made to feel uncomfortable or even unable to truly empathize with you. Even professionals take the approach that their job is to move grievers through their pain quickly. This instead causes those of us who are grieving to clam up and not express our grief out of fear that we will appear weak. Grievers need to speak of their true emotions, even if only to their pet or to a tree in the park or to any person or thing that will listen with open ears. The truth is that everyone grieves differently and the path to healing is unique to us all. In my experience, the initial loss was difficult enough but it became harder as the months moved on, the shock wore off and I was left to redefine who I now was and would become following thirty years living the role of wife including fifteen years as a caregiver. At first, yes, I was a bit anxious to feel a sense of freedom after my life had been so stifled for so long. It took over six months to truly feel the reality of loneliness. I missed being loved, appreciated, listened to, and adored. I could go on and on but I know … it's only as hard as I choose to make it.