THE HEALER’S WORKBOOK

HELPING TO HEAL GRIEF CREATE MEMORIES - Please ensure that if your patient has a stillbirth or is about to deliver a baby that you and the doctors know is already dead, that you are brave enough to capture the precious memories that this family needs. We can never thank Terry enough, the beautiful midwife who quietly sat in the corner and sketched Finn for us. We both have this beautiful picture as a tattoo, to hold Finn close always. Also another beautiful midwife ran off a roll of film she had in her camera and handed it to us. These where black and white and gave a much more subtle tone when death is in the room. Feet and hand prints and clay casts of Finn’s hands and feet are some of the few prized memories of our gorgeous boy. Please, be brave enough to capture these memories for parents or grandparents who need these treasures but are not in the right head space at the time to think about capturing them. REMIND THEM THEY ARE ANGEL CAPSULES – Finn’s life was perfect. Sometimes people can live a very long life and never experience the love and joy that he shared with us. So I consider our love to be perfect. THERE ARE NO WORDS – Even after my experience of stillbirth I still don’t have the words to help someone who is aching from this pain. My biggest observation is - SHUT UP AND PASS THE TISSUES. TEARS ARE WATER IF THEY COME OUT AND ACID IF THEY STAY IN Dealing with your own need to fix the uncomfortable position that the silence or screams of a grieving parent can present is difficult….BE BRAVE. Don’t be scared to show emotional attachment to your clients and their grief, it is normal to feel the effects of the devastation that they are dealing with. It meant a lot to me when people would use Finn’s name and talk about him and the huge part of our family that he has always been. Be aware and honest with yourself when other people’s grief triggers your own painful experiences of grief and loss. Process this in an open and positive way in your life so that it is not pushed down and shelved again. You will grow from the healing you gain. Be brave enough with this work to get over your own stuff to make it possible for you to help your client to heal. This makes you a better counsellor or social worker, unfortunately a lot in the industry are like robots, stuck in the old formula, the ABC of grief. Please think outside the box and step out of your safety zone with people so they can discover the real causes of their deep issues of grief and trauma. REMEMBERING THE SPECIAL DATES - like birth/death days and acknowledging the enormous emotional triggers around these dates. Encourage people to celebrate and remember their loved ones and schedule visits or phone calls around those times to check in and ensure that they have your support. Suggest they have a special dinner of their loved ones favourite foods and play their favourite music to re-connect and remember happy times. CHECK IN ON THE MEN – Make sure to take the time to check in on your male clients. There is a lot of time and resources for grieving mums and as women we are much more open with sharing our feelings. Dads need a shoulder to cry on or maybe just an honouring and recognition of their grief and suffering. Gav hid his broken heart well so he could help me with my pain and in my state of grief I didn’t notice this at times. I now realize he didn’t have the huge support network that I had. He also had to return to the normal part of life faster than I did. Going back to work and dealing with people while I stayed cocooned at home, safe from the reality that everyone else could just get on with life. Encourage your male clients to open up and to share their stories of how they are coping or not coping in a safe and confidential way. I remember when I tried to encourage Gav to write and burn about Finn and he got so mad at the idea of, “How can I release him anymore? He’s Not Here! He’s Dead!” It was the painting of the cover of A Kiss From An Angel and writing his chapters in the book that were huge healing tools for Gav, so encourage WHATEVER works for them. BE OPEN AND HONEST – A useful way of getting honest feedback is to not ask, “How are you going?” but instead ask, “Is it a shit day or a really fucked day?” Most people appreciate when you acknowledge that they are bullshitting you if they say they are doing fine, it is crap. (Most days during the early years grief totally sucks, so don’t make them help you feel better by giving a prettier answer than their reality can handle). THE STAGES OF GRIEF - don’t always come in order and you’re not always done with an emotion. I have found that anger, pain, sadness and resentment are ones that can reoccur OFTEN. They can sneak up on you. You are never done with the reminder of grief and really would you want to be, when it is a reminder of just how much you loved the person you are grieving. Some people are so wrapped up in the feeling that the hurt is what represents their love for the person that they won’t allow themselves to heal. I have experienced this with some support groups, “not all” just some that seem to have a monthly “top up” of their grief, when they come to share their story again and again and seem to stay in the same hopeless spot just to remind themselves that they haven’t forgotten grief or the person that it is attached to. Don’t worry grief will always remember you! Help them to process and gradually lessen the pain and attachment to the pain that they are holding on to. Our loved ones don’t want their passing to be the death of our lives and the destruction of our soul. DON’T PLAY THE BLAME GAME – Don’t start the list of blame because I’ve never met a parent who wanted their child that deserved to be on the ‘Blame List’ and if you start to create this list, at some stage you naturally put yourself on it. This can be a painful spiral to travel and can destroy marriages very easily. HELP THEM RETURN TO THEIR LIFE AGAIN – Everyone else is going back to life and you never have a “normal” life again. After being supported through the early days of grief you often have a period of isolation when everyone goes back to their normal lives and you are left unable to move on. Making sure to continue to check in and visit the person after the initial period of support that is usually given by friends and family is important because it is an extremely painful and lonely period. SUPPORT WHAT THEY HAVE FAITH IN – Grief is never the time to try to change someone’s faith or belief structure. Please support their chosen faith as this can help them find something solid at a time when everything else is uncertain. Even if the faith is different to your please allow them to find peace in it at this time. HEALING THROUGH THE PAIN – I found the healing and lessons from grief was hidden in the pain it created (both physical and emotional) and this is also where the connection to our loved one is. It is actually where the gift of healing can be found. For me, walking through the grief and acknowledging the pain my heart and body was feeling was a powerful journey. LEARN WHEN YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR DEPTH – If you are assisting someone through grief and find that you simply don’t know how to help them, it is quite alright to refer them on to someone else for help and healing. We can experience a trigger of our own grief through these times and sometimes the memories of your own grief can feel like they are ready to consume us again and it is painful. Ensure that your client is ok for this to happen and share that you are not the best person to give them the assistance they need at that time. Remember this is not a failing, just and honouring of your own needs that are relating to grief and pain that you have stored in your body. SUPPORT THE SIGNS THEY ARE RECEIVING – Allow them to find joy and peace in the signs that they believe are from their loved one.