Love has its various ways

My Adventure! "Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and the stars mirrored in your own being." __________________________________________________________________ Rumi I had left my country for 5 months to do an internship in Colombia as I wanted to boost my resume and practice Spanish. I landed with a lot of hope and aspirations as it was my first solo trip but soon my dreams fell apart. I was in Barranquilla, a very slow city compared to my own city (New Delhi). I felt like every day I was dying slowly and life was getting tougher minute by minute. My project didn't start till end of the month. I was petrified and completely terrified. I didn't take any trips to nearby places which I had planned. I seldom went out and just stayed in the allotted, 6*4 room. I cried, I shouted and the world around me shattered. I felt I was nothing and that going all the way, away from my land, was the worst decision of my life. I left my country at a time when I had everything. I was doing well in all areas of my life. Those emotions kept coming back and reminded me how amazing my life used to be. I had a life back in Delhi which every person would dream to have. I had a well-paid job, loving family, amazing relationships and all the luxuries. Every day, I questioned myself, ‘if I had everything, then why did I decide to leave?’ I understood I was running away from all emotional issues in my life and I had made my life just about proving myself to my parents and the society. I was always trying to please people around me. For years, I kept ‘this mess’ sugar-coated, but soon, saw through the beautification. I saw the mess and it was all too much to take in. All this while I had thought, I had been doing everything I wanted but in reality I had done everything possible to prove a point to my parents and just show them that they can't control me. But the truth is that a rebellious attitude doesn't serve the purpose if you cannot attain balance. I had learnt to be a rebel but didn't know how to balance. Now I had two options either to deal with all hidden issues which I had protected for long or keep going on the same way. But for the first time in my life I came into my own and decided that I will deal with every issue; leaving none unsolved. Colombia was a planned escape from my home. Anyone can attain peace by going to Himalayas but the challenge is to attain the peace while sitting in the chaos. The chaos was my house as my family always triggered me. So after two months, I decided to go back and face them all. In the starting it was smooth but soon I was having second thoughts! But this time I didn't plan another escape rather I sat through the chaos and let everything settle for me. There were many days when I pondered to go back and many days where I just wanted to leave everything for once and for all. But this time I kept a strong will and determination and I kept going through one chapter after another. There is this quote by Emily Maroutian, "Energy is the currency of the universe. When you pay attention to something, you buy that experience. So when you allow your consciousness to focus on someone or something that annoys you, you feed it on your energy, and it reciprocates the experience of being annoyed. Be selective in your focus because your attention feeds the energy of it and keeps it alive. Not just within you, but in the collective consciousness as well." I had focused so much on the bad that all I was attracting was bad or all that I was experiencing was what I had within. I had heard somewhere that, “if you squeeze an orange, what will come out would be orange juice not apple.” It is the same with life. When my life squeezed me completely all that I was experiencing outside was within me. So in a way I was the orange being squeezed? When I was being squeezed I had trembled to death, but I was foolish to blame the people around me for all that I was experiencing rather I should have turned within. It’s very important to turn inside once in a while to just check what's going on in life. Let the water settle and you shall see it all in you as Rumi says. So I was peeled like an onion, one fear after another surfaced starting from the fear of water to ending up alone in life. There were zillions of them uncovering me and I was experiencing immense pain yet peace, it was like living a paradox. I used to wonder what would be left after a point. Soon that point came and it was a black hole which I couldn't get through and thought maybe it is time to return to the place, to the things I started and sort them. At that time returning home felt easy but carrying things out at home was the most crucial task. I was never comfortable with darkness, I remember freaking out in a dark room and soon I knew why. But the truth is you can never experience light if you haven't experienced darkness. Trust me, it takes a lot of courage to accept your darkness, all those things you loathe in the people around you, is what has always existed in, you.