I felt dead inside. It was a realization I addressed when I lay in my bed in the middle of night. The very things that I thought would fulfill my life were the exact same things that were killing my joy. And that was my fault because I let it come this far. I made those very decisions thinking it would bring me joy, when it actually did the opposite. I kept making excuse after excuse that everything was fine and I was the problem because I couldn’t appreciate what I had. While that was partially true, I was responsible for the problems I was having and something had to change.
This realization made me sulk because I didn’t want to deal with it or face it or say it out loud. I was scared to acknowledge what was happening and face myself and all my fears because that meant I had to address everything about my current life situation. I had no idea how to express myself. All I could feel was guilt; that I had the potential to hurt so many people that I loved. Shame that I felt this deep need to reveal the truth I denied for so long. It came to a point where the turmoil of my unhappiness stirred so hard inside that I got swallowed up by the vortex until it exploded in my face.
I avoided change because I didn’t know how to do it. I was taught to accept things for what they are and in my perception, it felt like my feelings didn’t matter. It was always about how it looked to the public and that if I smiled, it would hide the chaos lying underneath. I lived with this unhealthy coping mechanism until my mind went mad and my face stopped cooperating at faking it. Pretending I was happy was just not an option anymore. My body wouldn’t let me do it; it was in total resistance to my current life. I had to adapt to this change.
So what now? Do I repeat the same familial, ancestral, societal and generational pattern so that it never goes away and continues to self-perpetuate through my own children as well? Or should I fucking do something about it and be the one to break the chain, to stop it now from ever repeating again and teach my children how to stand in their truth, how to do what makes them happy and not what other people think they should do? The choice was easy: it had to end.
This journey has taught me that difficult situations are always arising. We’re responsible for what we do and how we react to them, pushing through the storm to eventually find our way out and let it all go. I knew deep down that it wasn’t right that I was always putting myself last. For the longest time, I didn’t have enough self-worth to even believe that I deserved anything. My needs always came last, if they were ever addressed at all, and I was ok with that until now.
I didn’t take drastic action right away in my decision to change, but it took just an ounce of awareness to make me start unveiling my truth and standing up for myself. I had extensive learning to do in letting go of old patterns and ways of thinking if I really wanted things to change. I never had the intention of drastically transforming my entire life; I thought the path I was on was supposed to make me happy. Isn’t that what we’re all told? If you do everything right and follow along, you’ll be happy one day just like everybody else!
What a relief it was to finally learn that I had control over something, when I had gone through life thinking I had to accept that I was just an unhappy person who had little to no standards. It took a lot of time and a strong will to let go of everything that didn’t serve me anymore. That included friendships and relationships, negative thought forms, unhealthy coping mechanisms, the old stories of what I believed was my identity and tons more.
It felt like I had to undo everything I’ve ever learned about life and what it means to truly be happy. That everything I was taught may have worked for others but it sure as hell didn’t work for me anymore. I had to release it all, deprogram from the matrix, and examine my false belief systems and societal conditioning that led me here to this crossroad. It was a long road in unraveling endless layers but in the end, I finally found the space to breathe, the space to be freely, unapologetically me.
I’ve reminisced to old times and not once did I think I could ever get here to this place of truly being happy deep down in my heart and soul. It took tons of hard work and personal reflection but once I got in the process of getting to know myself, everything on the superficial surface naturally faded on its own and the real me was finally exposed. Feeling dead inside was a distant memory. I was now excitedly anticipating a fresh start and a new life, a do-over if you will, in which I am the master creator of my own story and I get to choose how it ends.