MOMENTS WITH MARION
A Witness to Dementia
by
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First Moment Deciding to share the journey my family is now taking with my Mother in a book was not one I came to lightly. My Mother Marion suffers with dementia, or it may be more accurate to say she has it, and we all suffer as we watch the Mother we know and love slowly disappear. The experience is personal and yet universal as there are literally millions of people who are in the same heartbreaking situation of witnessing someone they know and love mentally depart from their lives. But each of us approaches it in our own way and mine is to write about the experience and try and concentrate on the light and funny moments. Although they are the exception and not the rule it has helped me to take this journey with my Mother in a way that I think she would appreciate. She is bright and funny and was always quick with a laugh and a smile. I grew up with the perpetual optimist, a woman who was always grateful for everything she had in life. The purpose of this book is to honor her humor, her wit and share the changes we are helpless to stop with honesty. The shared moments with my Mother are not always light but my focus comes from a place of gratefulness. Because I am grateful that I still have this time with my Mother. From the first moment I have a memory of her until today, she remains my favorite... the best person I have ever known. Perpetual Optimist I temporarily left my home and my Partner in San Diego to come live with my Mother. My Dad passed away three years ago and although we have home care for her, my sister and brother and I thought the situation needed a closer look. Mother’s dementia has progressed and her personal safety is paramount but can be in contrast with giving her the independence she has demanded. So living with my Mother for a while seemed to be the next logical step. I was at a cross roads in my career and so the ability for me to be here gave us peace of mind and my Mother the ability to remain in her home for a while longer. I told my Mother this was not a permanent move but I would be living with her for the time being. When she asked why, I said that I knew she was lonely so I thought I would hang out with her to keep her company. Mom let me know she was happy to have me move in but when she gets a new husband I will need to move out.... I promised I would! Getting Old I came upon my Mother sitting on the couch with a bewildered look on her face. She looked up at me and said "When did I get so OLD?" I replied "Well Mom, it didn't happen overnight. It took you 80 years to get to this place." She smiled back at me and said "Good to know I wasn't in a hurry to get here!" Smart Ass Lesson Mom and I were jogging her memory one night, trying to share a few familiar moments together. But after a few missteps on her part I finally asked "What memories are easiest for you to recall?" She thought for a minute and said "Seeing my children and then memories of my husband." I asked "You remember that I am your daughter don't you?" She smiled and replied that indeed she did. Trying to give her a gentle dig, I said "How does it feel to have a 56 year old daughter!" Mom replied "Wow you look great for 56! So how do I look?!" In an attempt at being a smart ass I answered "Well you actually do look like you could be 56!" She looked at me with a deadpan expression and said "You aren't very good at this game are you..." Dog Treats I am always trying to find healthy snacks to give Mom. She typically is drawn to sugary or extremely salty treats and that makes it difficult to entice her with alternatives. On one of my more creative days I decided to attempt introducing her to Veggie Sticks. It is sort of a potato chip replacement. My first try with her wasn't a success so I tried again the following night. I gave her a small bowl to have with a drink and said with enthusiasm "Hey Mom try these, I think they are pretty good!" She took them warily as they are not her traditional looking snack and asked "Do I like these?" I answered honestly and said "Well last time you mentioned they might be a bit tasteless but give them another try." She ate one and announced "Looks like I was right again!".... Then she proceeded to feed them one by one to the dog.... He loved them...
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About the Book
I first started writing about my experiences with my Mother’s dementia in a blog, to share some of the lighter moments of living with someone who has dementia and because in many ways it helped me manage the sadness. The tricky part of sharing the moments about my Mother was to continue to honor the woman I knew her to be. She was intelligent and witty with a wonderful, dry, sense of humor. Mom laughed at herself often and would tease others without insult. She was never unkind, enjoyed people and was lovely company. All that changed with her dementia. My family is now dealing with a person we have never known. A stranger to us some moments, only to be our funny and thoughtful Mother the next. To witness the incremental loss of this incredible woman, who gave more in life than I could ever begin to explain, is a heartbreaking tragedy. So I began to write my Moments With Marion to reach out for a connection and to share a story that is so common to millions of people who are suffering along with my family. I hope this book connects with those experiencing the mental decline of a loved one, who bear witness to the mental disappearance of one so dear and the heartbreak of being slowly erased from their mind in the process. There is hope for comfort, if not in the process of sharing, at least in the knowledge that you are not alone.
About the Author
Monica M. Flynn grew up in a Navy family who started their life in Coronado, CA, eventually settling in Carson City, NV. She graduated from the University of Nevada, Reno with a Journalism degree. Monica resides in San Diego, CA with her partner and a houseful of dogs and cats.