Life Beyond Shame: Rewriting the Rules
by
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Nearly everyone has experienced the power of shame-based Old Rules, even though they are not written down and posted for all to see. They are treated like a secret no one is supposed to know. Because they are supposed to remain implicit, if a whistle blower speaks up and says, “I feel crazy when you say one thing and do another,” he is likely to be met with a “What in the world are you talking about?” response. A response meant to shut down his observation because of how it threatens the status quo. Like it isn’t written in invisible stone that there are topics which are open for discussion and negotiation, and topics which are not. The whistle blower is the odd man out when he may be telling the truth that threatens the system and the house of cards built around it.
This book posts the old rules. Put them on your refrigerator. Put them on the bulletin board for all to see. It’s better to know what they are, for keeping the package a secret is giving it more power. That may or may not be what is good for you or what you want.
Also post the new, or replacement rules. It’s better for all of us to know what a relationship could be if they were used to guide our relationships with one another. You will decide which set, Old or New, works for you. You are the one who knows what’s in your best interest.
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About the Book
We’ve lived for eons with a set of rules guiding how we have relationships with one another.
These Old Rules have, without question, been inadvertently passed, without examination, from generation to generation by our families. It’s past time to expose them to the light of day.
Why? Together, these Old Rules create a toxic environment we accept as inviolate. We struggle against others and against ourselves, not realizing that the shame-based Old Rules hold us back from being who we are meant to be and doing what we are meant to do.
When feelings of undeserved shame (something is wrong with us) become part of how we think of ourselves, two things are true: 1) our true selves become more defended and less available to ourselves and others, and 2) we become more easily manipulated to serve someone else’s needs in ways that are not in our best interests.
That sense of shame and the Old Rules reinforce each other. One look at them and it’s easy to see how they make it difficult to have healthy relationships. They are definitely not conducive to happiness. We know better. We just need to know how to do better, one rule at a time.
Unmasking and replacing Old Rules with even one of the New Rules begins to change everything
Change the rules, change the game.
About the Author
After a variety of experiences as an educator, attachment therapist, mother, grandmother, and author, Connie Dawson remains fascinated by the mechanisms of humiliation we’ve come to regard as normal. Her point of view is anchored in recognizing and changing her own legacy of shame. She lives on Whidbey Island, Washington.