Chapter 1: Journey to Joy - My Story
Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand back up taller then you ever were
These were my thoughts as I had them written down during my Rock Bottom. Reading this back, I can’t believe just how low I felt. It’s like reading the thoughts of another person. I feel so different now, so free. And this was only 2 years ago…
Saturday 15th December 2012
I was so angry, so tired. All I wanted was sleep. My husband, Lloyd, went out to get things for his mum’s birthday party (60th) and the kids let our dog into the house. Pitter patter of feet is what woke me. I got up and let the dog out.
Still tired, I went back to bed. Lloyd came home. I was angry. He left to set up the hall.
The phone rang, but I didn’t answer it.
Finally I got out of bed and checked my mobile phone message from Stacey saying dad had asked her for a present to be bought for mum. I got angry – I’M HIS DAUGHTER! I rang mum upset, called Lloyd angry, called dad and had a go at him and called Stacey to let her know how I felt.
Still angry and after a coffee I went back to bed – so tired.
Lloyd came home. I yelled saying I needed sleep.
It escalated and I took 6 sleeping tablets.
I didn’t think they would do much as one never really worked. I told Lloyd I was taking them, even showed him. He didn’t seem to care so I sent mum a text “Took 6 sleeping tablets and Lloyd doesn’t care.”
I went back to bed waiting. I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to sleep and maybe go to hospital – I needed a break. I wanted to get away. I had just worked 2 days 6:30am to 3pm.
No ambulance, but mum came.
She was angry.
Stacey came. She was angry. I asked her not to yell at me. I just want to sleep.
I didn’t hear Lloyd check up on me at all.
At some point I felt a tugging in my head like my astral body was trying to get out. But it couldn’t.
I just want sleep.
I also just wanted a HUG – nobody gives me one.
All I wanted, all I needed was a hug.
4 days on…
No calls or SMS’s from Stacey to see if I’m ok.
I’m just hanging on.
Too much work – it’s killing – no draining me.
Did a kinesiology balance last night and today. Always feel good, actually great doing that. God I need to change jobs. God I need help.
HELP! HELP! HELP!
These were my darkest days or my Rock Bottom. When I finally collapsed into this dark pit of despair by trying to harm myself I knew I needed to change my life, my way of thinking, in fact my whole way of being. I knew I needed help. I knew I wasn’t the only one in the world that suffered from these feelings of loneliness, anger, sadness, but at that time in my life it was all consuming. It was all I seemed to be able to feel and think about. The thoughts in my head wouldn’t go away and the way I viewed the world at that time was real for me. I realised, after pleading for help from anyone that would listen, that I was the only one that could change the way I felt. I needed to take back my power, take back control and eliminate all the ceaseless negative thoughts that had taken up residence in my mind. I asked the universe for help and finally acted on what I heard. And so my journey to Empowered Happiness began.