Parent-Child Relationships

In my role as a parenting coach, I work with people to help them improve their relationships with their children, offering parenting tips that guide them to become better parents. For most of my clients though, there is an essential step they are missing. It is the most critical step in changing how they parent, and that is to make peace within themselves in their relationships with their own parents.

Why is it important to address our relationships with our parents? Because if we don’t identify our own issues with our parents, we will never be able to identify the issues we have with our children. And if we can’t identify the issues we have with our children and why we have them (hint: it’s us, not them), we can never make the changes necessary to improve the relationships.

My dad and me: For most of my young life, I felt stupid, ugly and worthless. This was the message my father gave to me every day through his words and actions. It wasn’t until I had done much study as an adult that I realized I was not actually stupid, ugly or worthless, that I could learn anything I was inspired to learn, do anything I wanted to do, be anything I wanted to be. I suddenly understood that my dad had actually been projecting his feelings about himself onto me, but the more important epiphany was that it wasn’t my dad’s fault. After all, I didn’t come with an instruction manual. He was doing the best he knew how to do and it was how he felt about himself.

This realization was the turning point for me in becoming the parent I wanted to be. At the time, my son Michael was about 10 years old and we had a rocky relationship at best, but that all began to change once I made peace with my father and myself in my own mind. I was choosing to feel good, the most important thing we can do, and it was immediately and profoundly felt by my son.

I made one mistake in this process, which was to confront my father about everything he had done wrong. At the time, I apparently felt this was necessary, however, I now know that it’s not. In fact, it can be downright destructive. Remember, this is about your inner peace and you must recognize you’re never going to change your parents. This is about accepting them, as they are, flaws and all, moving on, and feeling good.