Death is a Miracle
A Daughter's Contemplative Memoir of Her Father's Transition
by
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Preface
As I sit in my Asheville log cabin, cozied up against arctic temperatures, working to birth this book before returning to Peru… I must say that I am utterly amazed by the path that brought me to this present moment, amazed and immensely grateful. Had my path not curved and twisted in its various (often mind-boggling heart-breaking) branches, I would not have landed on my parents stoop at precisely the opportune moment… landing equipped with a well-supplied belt of spiritual tools and the flexibility to change my life and be present. To be present for a spiritual initiation like none other.
I had not yet given much thought to my parents dying. I had spoken to my parents about death, keeping it mostly abstract. I would relate mystical experiences I’d had via the shamanic tradition I worked with in Peru. A spiritual tradition referred to as “a death practice.” They were sort of interested, mom much more so than dad. But I hadn’t envisioned one or both of them actually doing it, dying that is. It’s fascinating to me how I carried on hardly noticing this large looming inevitable crack in the support of my reality just hanging around nonchalantly… sitting there ready to split and bust open the dam, rip through the fabric, just plain turn the world upside down!... and once it did, altering my spirit in a way that currently feels unfathomable to comprehend.
Everyone loses their parents. It is a given, a rite of passage for us all. Therefore it is an opportunity for everyone to grow spiritually and personally. And the way we hold it, as individuals and as a culture, determines whether or not it becomes a spiritual initiation. My deep heart desire is that everyone in the world might have the chance to experience such an initiation, and if putting my words out via this little book might inch us in that direction, then I rejoice.
My entire life, since I was a small child, I have had an intense and passionate desire to help humanity move to a kinder and more harmonious relationship with the natural world. This passion led me to explore eco-spiritual teachings which guided me to the world of the divine feminine. From there, beloved Sophia - Lady Wisdom - brought me back to Christ, the embodiment of unity.
Now, I claim my mission as one to help awaken Christ consciousness within myself and humanity. Christ consciousness is Unity consciousness, an awareness beyond duality or separation, which is the heart ushering in the harmony I’ve been dreaming of since childhood.
In Unity consciousness death becomes transition. In Christ consciousness death is resurrection. I pray that we might all recognize and embrace the gem of wisdom that crystallizes through our witnessing… through our sitting… through our midwifing… the miracle of death.
7... the gentle powers
Oh my goodness… I finally left our wee little condominium world this day, Wednesday the full moon of may… Over the past 10 days I have only left twice for perhaps an hour or so… Just now I walked over to lullwater preserve – one of atlanta’s secret gems… I found myself moving very slowly with intense sensitivity… the songbirds singing directly into my ear… the breeze sweeping my skin, caressing each pore… the meadow of white clover sending me into a drunken swoon of sweetness…
the green of life hugging me in a brilliance of vital love…
the gentle powers speaking to me in volume!
Daddy-o taught about the gentle powers… it is one of his main themes… and I realize that being immersed in sacred journey with him for so many days
awakened a deeper awareness in me…
a new level of receptiveness to the sacred…
most especially the gentle powers…
gentle miracles each and every being…
including the breeze.
We had a rough patch with sweet daddy-o this past Monday night to Tuesday afternoon… It was a 19 hour spell of arduous work for all of us… his catheter was malfunctioning and it made him extremely agitated… almost to the point of rambunctiousness…
Hospice nurses were called and sister morphine invited in to work her magic…
and between the two – earnest nurses and opium in a dropper –
things finally simmered down…
The ordeal took its toll on all of us…. most especially daddy-o. The case nurse looked at me and mom, haggard as we were, and suggested we move dad to the hospice residency unit so we might have help with the care-taking details. Immediately we both said “No”… holding to our hope that he remain home…
Though I must say if we let hospice take over
I think he would have a very high ride…
they are not at all afraid of the rock-a-bye narcotics…
in fact, they have even given us those
raised-eyebrow-lowered-eyeball-out-the-corner-down-at-ya-“say what!?”-look
when we have said he is not on any pain medication…
I snuck in a mini poke reproach “I just don’t know how people died before the mighty pharma chariot was available to carry them home”…. with a winkwink nudgenudge…
“swing high sweet chariot.”
Tonight daddy-o was muchly renewed we are happy to say… he even wanted a bit of nourishment… mom and I also got good rest… And so we continue to rest in the mystery… allowing each day to be what it is and sending gratitude for all of it…
As I was leaving lullwater preserve it began to rain…
I walked down to the edge of the lake and watched the drops falling in… a plop then a bubble and then the perfectly round circle spreading out until it vanished into the all… it made me think of us humans… we plop down into the mighty world as wee individual drops spreading out through our lives until we eventually just expand into the great and mighty all…
Expansion into Pure Love…
what a nice plan…
lovelovelove
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About the Book
“Your reflections are so helpful for the journey! I honor how you are weaving your Peruvian wisdom with your grounding in your blood circle with the new daring strands into whole cloth of the present.”
— Nelia Kimbrough
“The power of words in action—it's poetry; it's song; it's music ... some of us haven't yet found the full freefall, living still with the bits and pieces. This helps us all find the paths we work to discover.”
—Dawn Francis-Chewning
“Simply the most beautiful thing I have ever read.”
—Jeremy Richmond
“So beautiful and real. Winn, thanks for your vulnerability that is cracking so many hearts open!”
— Sage Linden
“Thank you for taking me with you on that walk into the wonder of creation and slipping through ordinary perspective into a multifaceted lens.”
—Sally Bicknell Miller
“I think the word homework is totally appropriate, and it's all of our tasks! We can't truly be ‘home’ here or there without it!”
—Joan Smythie Fowler Ray
“You and your family have been such beautiful teachers for us all! Thank you for this most sacred lesson of life and the joy and beauty of the passing of it.”
— Claudia Green
About the Author
Winn Mallard is a cultural change agent and a passionate student of consciousness, who enjoys all sorts of spiritual adventure. She loves dancing and singing, creating sacred celebration, and engaging with others in inspired conversation. Winn lives between the worlds in Ollantaytambo, Peru, and Asheville, North Carolina.