Toxic Silence

A raw memoir of my privileged life, yet a life that was interrupted by abuse and violence from one man. I denied to myself that I was a victim and never spoke of this abusive space of time. That quietness caused dire consequences to my physical and mental health nearly four decades later. A victim – probably – post traumatic stress disorder – definitely. Be aware and avoid enduring lifetime risk to your mind and your physical body. Long term silence can be a form of self harm and the toxicity that may form, as it did in my case, presented me with a long, challenging, exhaustive, distorted journey that I would like to think could be prevented for future generations. I find inspiring our country’s choice of a remarkable woman and their recognition of her contribution to our communities by presenting her as the recipient of our 2015 Australian Of The Year Award. This woman is of course the dignified Rosie Batty that we have all come to know. She has succeeded, throughout her grieving, to make many paths towards authorities in this country taking action on our curse of “Domestic Violence”. Motherly love for her beautiful son Luke has given her an unending strength. OUR GREAT MEN On this day 25th November 2014 I am putting together the forward pages to my story. It so happens that today annually, in Australia is what is now known as: “WHITE RIBBON DAY”. It is designed to direct awareness of domestic abuse. Great men are our majority of male society, they are men who love and respect women and children and acknowledge that a real man does not abuse a woman or child. These men by gender alone do not deserve to be tarred with the same brush as abusive criminals. I find it sad that a lot of men may change the course of direction they are walking when in public, if they sense a woman in front of them is uncomfortable, simply because he is walking in the same direction behind her along a suburban street. Like women, our great men are appalled that a minority of their own gender is currently creating the statistic of at least one woman per week dying in Australia by the hand of an abusive man – DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. I would encourage men to read this book, as great men may not have true insight as to what an abusive man can physically, sexually and emotionally be capable of. Great men can be “Active Bystanders” = “Prevention”. I listened to Mr Rove McManus on television tonight announcing that he has chosen to become a male ambassador for “WHITE RIBBON DAY”. Thank you Rove, may many more join you. On behalf of all women and children, I thank all our great men for instigating community action against this curse on our society and wearing their white ribbon with conviction and pride. TO ALL PEOPLE WHO ARE EXPERIENCING ANY FORM OF ABUSE, OR TO THOSE WHO BELIEVE A LOVED ONE MAYBE IN DANGER, ACT NOW, YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT. AS A SOCIETY WE NEED TO START WITH INDIVIDUALS AND CONTINUE PROGRESSING TO DEDICATED TEAMS TO ERADICATE OUR EPIDEMIC OF “DOMESTIC VIOLENCE” TO FAMILIES AND FRIENDS WHO HAVE LOST A LOVED ONE BY THE HAND OF ANOTHER, MAY YOUR LOVED ONE REST IN PEACE, AND MAY YOU FIND THE RIGHT PATH FOR YOURSELF TO CONTINUE LIVING YOUR CHANGED LIFE. “YOU ARE ALL IN MY HEART” TO ALL THE PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WHO WERE/ARE PART OF MY MEDICAL TEAM FOR MY JOURNEY TO A BETTER LIFE. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, (Dr. S, Dr. R, Dr. Jan, Dr. M) I HAVE NOT ENOUGH WORDS TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR FLAWLESS, COMPASSIONATE CARE AND YOUR TEACHINGS TO ME. MY LIFE IS ALL THE BETTER FOR HAVING WORKED WITH YOU. THANK YOU The essence of this book is to after a very long time of my silence, share my experiences of abuse and the trail of destruction. I left it too long to tell anyone, and later in my life I fell physically ill with the diagnosis of “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” also known as “Chronic Anxiety Disorder”. I am not an author, so I present this book as a raw and personal truth. I prefer to think you and I are friends chatting (although the conversation is a bit one sided) over a drink and plate of indulgent food. If your man wants to come to the table, even for only chapters that may interest him or make him aware that not all men are as great as he, then I urge you to encourage him as he may learn even the smallest sign of a guy, that he never would have dreamt of being abusive in any way, until he is faced with a sociopath’s methodology. Why am I writing this memoir I ask myself? At first I truly did not think I knew and suspected it will sit in my bottom drawer for my children to dispose of one day. I then began to acknowledge to myself the lonely place I had let myself live in for a very long time and believe the eventual outcome may have been avoided if I had read anything that revealed I was not alone at the time of my worst nightmare. Others who read this book may become aware of signals of abusive behavior in a person that they least expect and act in the sense of prevention, rather than waiting for the wonderful gift of hindsight. I have always loved life, people, been described as mischievous and a good laugh can just about fix anything. There are times in all our lives where something happens that does feel unfair, but it is up to ourselves in how we choose to deal with it. In saying this, I would have to say that on the particular subject of abuse, unimaginable fear can interfere with what your normal level of choice would be. My desire is that a growing number of people either currently in or have been in an abusive situation, help themselves to avoid “Toxic Silence” by accessing support as soon as you feel safe enough to. I will not mislead you, it is not an easy journey, but it will lead you to greater personal growth and your life will blossom. I beg of you, if you are in a situation where you feel you are being controlled and isolated by another, then take small steps to change this. The controlling person is not the friend, lover, spouse you deserve, they are a very disturbed person with the mind of a criminal. You are naturally living in fear. That is his ammunition. You are a great person and not worthless. You have hidden strength in your heart and soul that will be your saviour.