Love Yourself First

Love Love Love

Once upon a time … Oh, how those words conjure up all kinds of images of fairies, knights on white horses, and princesses in beautiful gowns. The very things many little girls dream of.

Hopefully, we grew up loved and bounced on our daddy’s knee. We ate the cookies Grandma baked us, and even during the fights we had with our parents, we still knew they loved us. We were the center of their world, and we knew it.

Then we grew older and watched Cinderella and Snow White. We saw the handsome prince kiss the helpless maiden, and our hearts melted in our chest. Even the frogs were perfect.

But what about those of us who perhaps had a very different experience? For example, I know I was loved and cared for by my parents, but although I was raised in America, my mother did not read me fairy tales. Her life experiences led her to not believe in them, and so she did not share them with me. I remember her saying, “Life is real. Life is earnest.”

My father was not raised in this country and therefore did not even know of these stories, and my grandparents had passed before I was even born. But does that mean I didn’t have a wonderful childhood with many loving and wonderful experiences? No. It just means my life was different from the lives of others. And as we are each individuals with very different opportunities, I’m sure your growing-up years yielded many different experiences from the next person.

Fairy tales and childhood aside, I believe we all have a central truth: we all want to feel connected, cherished, and cared for on the most basic level and say we want to feel connected to our spouse, partner, family, and friends. But what does that connection look like to you?

Most likely, it isn’t the dictionary definition, which defines connection as “joined or linked together.” Handcuffs might be fun, but only on special occasions (okay, that was just for giggles). So what needs to happen for you to feel connected? It will be different from what I need, what your spouse needs, or what your kids need. To feel connected, do you need flowers every week? Long talks about your day? Or do you need your spouse or partner to understand that you need alone time? Your definition will be different from anyone else’s definition, but until you know what it is, you’ll feel dissatisfied.

As a woman, you may have many excuses for not loving yourself first, excuses based on your life and experiences. You may choose not to love yourself first because

• you don’t know what that looks like. Maybe you never received it from your family of origin;

• you have children and a family to care for. There isn’t enough time for you;

• you don’t have enough money;

• you have unhealed trauma in your life;

• you have a career; or

• you typically give, give, give to everyone around you until there’s nothing left at the end of the day to give to yourself. And if there is, it’s minimal.

So what do you do?

• Ask others to fill you up.

• Wait for your children to do it.

• Wait for your friends to do it.

• Wait for your parents to do it.

• But most commonly, and to your detriment, you wait for your partner to do it.

Spoiler alert, ladies!

It’s not up to your partner to fill you up with love.

“But, Christine, he vowed to honor and cherish me for the rest of my life! He said it before God and everyone! Of course he’s supposed to fill me up!”

I hear your objection, and I feel your pain, for I’ve been there. When you’re busy raising a family, perhaps caring for elderly parents, and/or pursuing a career, there is little time for you. But hear me: it is your responsibility to fill yourself up with love.

When you ask your partner to fill you up—or worse, wait for your partner to do so—you may feel resentful and angry and give away your power to do so for yourself.

I assure you that if you discover what makes you feel loved, cherished, and adored, and you begin doing even one thing for yourself, you will open the doors to more. And you will be able to articulate to your partner, friend, or family what really fills you up.

What we call Love manifests itself in many ways, all according to our beliefs about ourselves. Love comes to you the way you feel you deserve to experience it. You cannot elevate the amount and level of love you deserve if you do not give yourself the love you want from another.

Here’s what I mean. Choose one thing to show love to yourself. You could take yourself to dinner, buy yourself flowers, or, as I do, get a manicure and pedicure. It doesn’t have to be time-consuming or expensive—just something you enjoy. What’s your first reaction?

• Guilt for using time or money on yourself?

• Anger that you had to buy it yourself?

• Undeserving, as if you don’t feel worthy of such a gift?

Your first reaction may be to feel guilty. Or unworthy, or that you’re wasting time or money. It’s possible you’ll have to coax yourself into these first few “Love Yourself” experiments. But as you do, notice when you begin to feel good. Allow yourself to feel the joy you give to yourself. Why? Because knowing what feels good is what gives you the power to tell your partner/children/friends/parents what you need to feel loved. Loving yourself first is the only way to teach the people around you how to love you as well. Waiting for them to love you first is futile. Waiting for them to know how to love you is equally futile.

Now, choose one thing you can do every single day to show yourself some love. Is it making a special cup of coffee or taking five minutes to sit in the garden each afternoon?

I hear your excuses getting louder. But remember, everybody has obstacles. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

• Take a walk by yourself and enjoy the nature around you.

• Exchange manicures with a friend.

• Take a long, hot shower or bubble bath.

• Read that book you’ve been putting off.

• Spend time on a hobby you love.

• Write in a diary or journal.

• Watch a sunrise or sunset—from beginning to end.

• Create something: a paper craft, blog, drawing … anything.

• Moisturize yourself from head to toe.

• Buy or pick yourself flowers.

• Allow yourself a nap.

• Call a friend.

• Dance.

Loving yourself first sometimes takes creativity. But we are powerful creators, each and every one of us. We are divine beings in human form. We truly have the power to manifest that which we desire.

HeartWork

♥ I feel connected when …

♥ I feel treasured when …

♥ I feel cherished when …

♥ List any excuses you have for not loving yourself first: