THE SEXUALLY RICH MARRIAGE

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INGRIDIENTS THAT MAKE LOVEMAKING RICH

In 2012, I was in Ghana for a speaking engagement courtesy of an NGO. I was shocked to the marrows during a discussion session, when more than 60% of the discussants openly admitted that they were not sexually fulfilled in their marriage. One among the many mistakes most of them were making is that they expected that sexual fulfillment in marriage should come on its own without you working for it.

But the hard fact is that sexual fulfillment does not come by accident. It is worked for. There is a price for it. There is an art involved in achieving it. This art is learned and grows with practice, time and experience. It is a product of patience, intelligence, practice, skill, love, etc.

Suffice it to say that some couples may live together for many years, have sex, have children, yet may not be enjoying satisfactory and fulfilling sexual life. Women are the most affected here. This could be occasioned by deficiency in knowledge of the nitty-gritty of actualizing a fulfilling sexual act. Ignorance is indeed powerful and destructive.

There are many elements that can be brought to the bed room life to spice up your love life and provoke sexual fulfillment. I call them; the ingredients that make Lovemaking exciting. They are available and handy for anyone who cares. I assure you that your love life will never remain the same if you dare to maximize these ingredients.

Ingredient # 1

Knowledge about Sex Before and During Marriage

The desire for sexual expression is intrinsic. It is in everyone because we are sexual beings. However, actualizing a topnotch sexual relationship is not by accident. There is an art in doing so. It depends on what you know about yourself, your partner and the act itself. Many people wrongly think that sexual relationship is only and merely a physical experience. This is wrong thinking. A fulfilling sexual relationship transcends this. It also involves the emotions, mind, mental attitude, temperament, physical fitness, sex education, etc.

Learning is really vital if couples desire to achieve the best sexually. Every man unless he’s sworn to celibacy wants to be as virile as possible. Yet virile men are not necessarily great lovers. They have to learn how to be great lovers by training themselves just as they do in other sports. Put in another way, superior ‘lovemanship’ is a learned skill. Nobody is born a great lover, but anyone can become one if they really want to.

“But we have been married for many years now. We have got enough experience in sexual matters and thus have nothing new to learn”. This could be the report of many couples. But authors Dan Sullivan and Catherine Nomura in their book, ‘The Laws of Lifetime Growth’ have a different view. According to them; “Continual learning is essential for lifetime growth. You can have a great deal of experience and be no smarter for all the things you’ve done, seen and heard. Experience alone is no guarantee of lifetime growth….Your learning is always greater than your experience”.

That people live together as husbands and wives, give birth to children etc. does not imply that they know enough, or are getting the best sexually. One established fact is that millions of married couples are sexually unfulfilled. This unfulfilled sexual life is one of the reasons why many people engage in extramarital affairs (adultery); thinking that sexual satisfaction automatically, or accidentally comes from another man or woman outside their matrimonial home, when in actuality, they have what it takes to get the best in their own home but for reasons of ignorance. I corroborate Reiss (1980; 307), who said; “If other things are equal, the more marital sexual satisfaction, the less the desire for extramarital relationships”. Giving credence to this, Naura Hayden, in his book; ‘How to Satisfy a Woman Sexually and have her Beg You for More’ said; “Believe me, when a man is happy sexually at home and truly satisfied by his one and only, no woman can seduce him”. Again she said; “You cannot seduce a sexually satisfied man. You can’t break up a sexually exciting marriage. That is to say, a woman absolutely can keep her husband faithful, keep him from messing around, and keep him wanting sex with her and only her throughout his life”.

Research has shown that many people, especially Christians are deficient in knowledge as far as sexuality is concerned. Rev. Oliver Butterfield corroborates this when he said; “In spite of romance and good intention, many couples who come to the marriage altar are matrimonial illiterates”.

Unfortunately, most men think and claim they know everything about sex, and pitiably, many women rely on their husbands for sexual fulfillment, thinking that their husbands know it all. But their ignorance comes to light when they are faced with some serious or at times minor challenges in their sexual life.

It should be made categorically clear that not all men are capable of helping women sexually. Some are not even able to help themselves. I have encountered many couples where the sexual problems stem from the man’s lack of knowledge, rather than the woman’s as it was assumed a decade ago. To put it succinctly, husbands don’t know it all. Some of them still need to be educated in some areas.

Sexually speaking, men and women differ in many ways, especially in anatomy and physiology. Their sexual needs, the timing, practices and longevity of practices that provoke sexual fulfillment in them differ in some ways. Thus, it is only by learning that a man and a woman can know better how to relate with and satisfy each other sexually.

Through learning, a man will know that he is by nature more aggressive about sex than his wife. This will make him appreciate the slow responses of his wife to a thing he is so aggressive about. He therefore needs to understand that his wife has to be taught, led and loved until she grows to the fullest response and happiest experience in their love life.