CHRYSALIS

A Pretty Little PrologueI got my first diary on my 13th birthday. It was beige and padded and had a pretty little brass locket you could pick with a bobby pin. I wrote in it for four months, but then got bored. December 23, 1985Dear Diary, If I don’t have a boyfriend by New Year’s Eve I’m going to kill myself. I swear to God. It was my birthday wish tonight, so it has to come true. If my wish doesn’t come true, my promise to God will.I can’t go back to school without a boyfriend. I really want Tony to ask me out, but Minh is cool, too. I know Minh likes me so that’s cool because then at least I will have a boyfriend. Tony asked me about my birthday yesterday. He is so cute. I really like him. Minh walked by and flirted with me and Tony smiled. I really want him to ask me to go around.December 28, 1985Minh phoned and asked me out. I knew it would happen. He wasn’t going to. I think he just called to talk but we talked for like an hour and I told him I liked him and he asked if I wanted to go out! I still really love Tony but this is good because when he finds out he will be jealous and at least I will have someone until he asks me.January 10, 1986I don’t think Minh and I are going out anymore. That’s okay though because we really are just friends. His breath tastes like gum. It’s fresh but weird.Hieu asked me to come over tomorrow. I’m supposed to take Celina to her swimming lessons at Bonnie Doon and he lives just a block away so I can go say hi.January 11, 1986I hate my dad. On the way home from the pool he saw I had a hickey on my neck. He yelled at me about what they do with girls like me, but I don’t care. I went to see Hieu and he gave it to me. I’m not going to be called a flirt or a tease or frigid anymore. Tony will see it and be jealous and then he will ask me out. If he doesn’t ask me out by Valentine’s Day I am going to kill myself.February 15, 1986I hate my mom. Sheryl had a Valentine’s Day party and I wasn’t allowed to go. I cried and cried and cried but she didn’t care because they were going to a party of their own. I kept crying and crying and spitting and gagging until I felt weak. I weighed myself and I lost 2 lbs. Just by crying. Cool.February 16, 1986I tried last night. I put the grey belt around my neck and pulled really tight. My mom and dad and Auntie Lily and Uncle Sam were upstairs but they couldn’t hear me crying. I tried to pull it so tight but then just got weak. I could feel my face bulging and I almost passed out.March 7, 1986I took a bottle of aspirin yesterday. Well, half a bottle. We had teachers inservice and the boys had a basketball practice so I went to watch. I thought I was going to puke the whole time. I felt really sick but never passed out. Tim was flirting with me majorally but I felt so dizzy and thought I was going to throw up. He’s really cute. His sister hates me though. She would be so mad if he asked me out.March 10, 1986I told Laura what Fred did to me. She said I was just saying that for attention. She’s going to be sorry when I am really dead. I know she likes him. She always likes older guys. I’m never telling anyone again.John said my hips look a metre wide. I am all hips and no boobs. Why can’t I take my hips and put them on my boobs? March 26, 1986I saw Andrew on the bus today. He is so hot. I was shy though because my eyes were all blotchy. I threw up my oatmeal before leaving for school. My friend’s aunt always throws up and she doesn’t have any hips.A Hypocrite’s Oath I have a confession to make. Well, I have lots of confessions to make, but that’s a whole different book. I’m not much of a writer. I failed every essay I wrote in high school, even received a big fat 0 on one. I’m an aspiring screenwriter, yes, but one of the reasons I like screenwriting, besides being an excuse to be alone, is that I don’t have to worry about proper sentence structure or florid prose. I can just transcribe the conversations going on in my head... and there are a lot of them. I also love watching movies, which I also get to do alone.The only other writing I do is in my journal. Although, I do post the occasional witty comment on Facebook, but usually second-guess myself and delete it immediately.So, why am I writing a book? I have no fucking clue. Just kidding. A week ago, I had the genius idea I should write one about the threshold year of 39.’72 babies turn forty this year and most of the women in my life are dreading it, but I can’t wait. Bring it on! After the past two years I’ve had, I am so fucking ready for a new chapter, a new decade. Ideas are energy (I love Physics) and messages from the Universe (I’m quite spiritual but not at all religious, just so you know). For some reason, this idea came to me and I’m claiming it! The problem is I turn 39 tomorrow and don’t in the least feel like a woman. I still wear pigtails. I think being an alcoholic off and on for 25 years, 10 of which were also spent binging and purging, impeded the maturation process. In many ways, I’m still fourteen. Throw in years of soul-numbing delinquency, promiscuity, and two failed marriages, and well, yeah, I have some growing-up to do.I am woman hear me ROAR... Rrrro-meeeowww. He he he. Kittens are way cuter than, um, cougars.My oath: I will be 100% honest as I chronicle my way through this year. For better or worse, we are in this together. For the first time in my life, I will keep my vow. ‘Til death do us part.Whoa, I hope I don’t die this year. That would be weird.I have no idea how much of my back story to give, what locations to describe or what characters to introduce, but I figure we can just figure it out as we go. Deal? Okay, here we go...December 22, 2011I bought a new journal just for this year. It is purple - the highest frequency on the visible light spectrum. Purple is the color of the crown chakra, which represents our connection with spirituality, which is where I feel the idea for this book came from, and wisdom, which is why I want to write this book - to share the wisdom I’ve gained. In feng shui purple is the color of wealth and abundance. Two things I want to attract more of into my life.On the back pages, I’ve started a list of all the different ‘woman’ topics I want to reflect upon. It’s a diverse list - in the ‘C’ category alone I have career, collagen, cervical cancer, (female) circumcision and my least favorite ‘C’ word - cunt.I also wrote my horoscope quote for the year: Honor the New Emerging Person.I’m in Beaumont, the small town south of Edmonton my family moved to the summer before Grade 10, for Christmas. My older sister, Lisa still lives here with her husband, Clive, and their cool kids, Ben, 13, Jack, 11, and Ally, 7. Lisa also has a son, Lee, 19, from her first marriage. Lee is my godson, although I’m not much of a Catholic role model.Celina is my younger sister by 4.5 years, but we often forget who is older. She is married to René and they have two beautiful daughters, Sara, 7, and Sadie, 4. They live in Camrose, a bigger small town about forty minutes from Beaumont. My parents retired a couple years ago and now live at the cabin for nine months of the year and then go somewhere south from January to March. Since they no longer have a place in Beaumont, and I’m a single spinster now, when I come to visit from Vancouver the three of us split our time between Lisa’s and Celina’s. We are a package deal.I’ve decided to meet with Carlos in Edmonton if he wants to. I’m not going to go out of my way, but I’m not going to avoid him either. I see it as an opportunity to stand in my power, not make excuses, no downplaying my successes, no ego. An opportunity for closure - the perfect prologue to the year I become a woman.I would also love to see the puppies. I miss those little shits.