Thriving in the Flow of Single

Chapter 3 DOING ONE THING DIFFERENTLY

Since my last relationship ended nearly 2 years ago, I determined that I would change one aspect of what I do so that I would not "keep doing what I had always done and expect a different result" (from Alcoholics Anonymous, the basic concept attributed to Albert Einstein). It became my goal to no longer keep this fear of singleness at bay with a focus only on sourcing my next soul mate. That magic is a distinctly separate endeavor. The thing is, I want to have a firmly established knowing that my life is perfect and complete in this very moment; that I lack no ingredient and want for nothing. It is only from that platform that I wish to consider engaging in a partnership. The thought of that feels positive and empowering, doesn't it?
In fact, my optimistic vision of partner relationship gains steam with every true-love story that I witness. I am not a skeptic - I have seen it and felt it and it exists and is well worth experiencing! In no way do I advocate taking that off the table en route to being at peace with being single, if such a relationship is your heart’s desire, and not only something you believe you have to achieve to give your life a meaning that was outwardly dictated.
My experience has been that achieving connection with the other in a partner relationship itself does not extinguish the limiting belief in the less-than of female singleness anyway, rather, it smolders in the recesses of the relationship and wisps of doubt emanate up from it regularly, coercing action and reaction out of that fear of loss rather than out of love. The torment, then, is not limited to an individual plight while single; its undercurrents negatively affect all relationships with partners as they are tainted from the beginning by degrees of dread of possible or impending doom. If I am afraid that my life will amount to little or nothing if I lose this, I will be compelled to manipulate myself or the other to make it work. Organic, loving flow is reduced or eliminated. Fear of losing is not what compels the Olympic athlete to soaring victories!
It is not only the fear of escalated physical and emotional retribution that keeps women firmly entrenched in abusive relationships. The prospect of the social stigma of being a single woman looms large - for many, the most compelling of all. The unwritten rule is that for women to have maximum (or virtually any) meaningful personal power, being securely attached to a man is a required ingredient. In the case of the woman in an abusive relationship this becomes not only shortsighted, but dangerous.
As I see it, women can be masters of rationalization and denial. Many of us want to be in relationships so badly that we will have ‘red flags' stabbing us in the heart and still manage to convince ourselves that all is or will be well. In a last desperate attempt at such r & d, a woman will opine that it could, possibly get better: After all, anything is possible, right?
Yes! But only if we do it differently!
Try these on as a couple of truths with which to carry on, as, once again, Mama Gena strikes with goddess clarity: "If she sees a man as her only source of fun and gratification, the relationship is doomed" (i.e., the fear of single affects you even when in the coveted union). And the good news is: "If you understand that you are the music maker, you will never feel that music is only possible in your life if you have a man."
You are the keeper of the Holy Grail to generating ALL THAT LOVE. You always have been. You do not need to be chosen. You get to do the choosing, and can further choose along the way to have a soul-nourishing, gorgeous time in the process.
I don't know about you, but for me this is some fantastic news! Seriously funk reducing!