Whispers from Heaven

A Mother Paints Her Triumphs and Sorrow with Words

by Liz Carthy

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Book Details

Language : English
Publication Date : 7/25/2013

Format : E-Book
Dimensions : N/A
Page Count : 164
ISBN : 9781452576787
Format : Softcover
Dimensions : 7.5x9.25
Page Count : 164
ISBN : 9781452576794

About the Book

The hope of tomorrow …

When I first started writing my feelings down, I was doing it just for me. I felt like if I didn’t get this brutal pain out of me, I was going to just die. Time after time, I tried to express to myself this terrible pain that was consuming my life. Before my son Ryan’s death, I was always the kind of person who chose to always see the hope in tomorrow.

In the very beginning of my grief journey, when I was living and breathing the pain to the point I couldn’t even catch my breath, the tomorrows came and I did not even know it. And to tell you the truth I did not want or care to know it. But tomorrow has a funny way of doing that. I hated tomorrows and wanted no part of them. And all I wanted to do was to stay in the pain of losing my child.

Well, I am happy to admit I no longer see it that way at all. I love tomorrows now, and I can actually feel the joy tomorrow brings. This feeling did not happen overnight, and it was a long road to get to this place called tomorrow. I do not know if it will happen for you. I do know this—it can happen. And when it does happen, it will be in the way you choose to view it and that, my friend, is for every person to make the choice.

After a few years of writing down my feelings, I realized I was actually writing a book of my pain and sorrow over Ryan’s death. Whenever I went to go buy a book to try to see myself in it, I had a hard time finding the one that said it just right for me. So I wrote the book that I wanted to read—the kind of book that said it without prettying it up with fancy words to make it more palatable for the world to see. I just wanted to write a book I would read. I wanted my book to be real and to express the many different sides of grief. And in doing that I expressed the many different sides, allowing everyone who is grieving a child to find their self-validation no matter where they choose to look.

About the Author

Whispers from heaven, is my story of dealing with the grief over losing my little boy Ryan to cancer. I feel that this qualifies me to write and share that experience.

The book gives you opportunity to walk with me on a daily basis and feel some of the pitfalls and landmines waiting around every corner for the grieving parent.

When I brought Ryan to the emergency room late one night in February, he was six and a half years old. Little did I know my life was about to change forever? I carried Ryan to the back of the emergency room. He felt like a wet dishcloth. He was lifeless. They took him out of my arms and started to call his name and shake him to see if he would respond. Ryan didn't respond so they called a code blue. I stood there almost breathless as I watched this scene unfold right in front of me. I felt like I was not there. It felt so surreal. I saw him having seizures one after another. He had at least three. He also had stroked-out which blew both his eyes. The doctors and nurses were trying everything they could to save his life. Here was my helpless child and lying there and I could do nothing to help him. I felt just as helpless watching this happening right in front of my eyes. We as parents are never prepared for a thing like this to happen. Ryan ended up in a coma that lasted for three days. They were three of the longest days of my life. I did not sleep or eat at all I was on automatic at this point.
When Ryan came out of the coma, we still did not know what had caused all the many
things that happened to Ryan in the emergency room because of this they had to run a whole gamut of tests and that took days. Once again, I found myself waiting breathlessly for them to come back with an explanation of why these things happened, while praying all the time that it was nothing serious. I will never forget the day when the results came back. Here is where it gets hard to write but I am going to try. That day the doctors got together and brought us to the room at the end of the hallway. I will never forget that room. I can still see it and smell it, as if it was yesterday. This is the room where they bring parents. It was the place where you are told the best news or worst news of your life. In my case, it was the worst. The very worst a parent can ever hear. They told me that they had discovered a large mass inside Ryan’s gut region. As soon as I heard the word mass my ears no longer heard anything! I know I was there physically but mentally I was gone! Gone! Gone! I think apart of me is still gone. Along with that terrible word mass, came the last name in the world you would want connected to your child. It was the worst word, you could ever imagine. Nevertheless there it was bigger then life itself and living in my baby, my precious little boy Ryan. I don't think I could think for along time after. I just couldn't et it into my head. Ryan was in really bad shape. Ryan had lost a lot of weight and was very weak but he was very much the fighter, as many would soon find out. It was then, I knew we were in a fight and it was going to be a true fight for our lives, but in reality it was Ryan’s fight because he would be the one who would have to go through all the things they were going to put him through. Ryan did go through all the operations and procedures and chemotherapy protocols. He went through them with very little, if any complaints. It is amazing when I think of it now. Here was this little six year old showing us how to do it. I will always admire Ryan for his courage and strength. Ryan you were and are the greatest kid a mom could want. I am going to share with you now, something I could never admit when Ryan was alive. As soon as I heard the news about Ryan having cancer, somewhere deep down inside me I knew I was going to lose my child. Nevertheless, even though you think that you always have hope and I had plenty of that for Ryan. He was the meaning of the word hope. His eyes said it.
His Laughter