You Deserve It

The sojourn of our lives presents us with the growth and contemplation, if we are willing and aware, of the unfoldment of our soul, the development, because of our experiences, of new realizations and signposts of new directions.
There were parts of my mind, beliefs and feelings, regarding my sexuality that felt fragmented. Was sex good or bad? I saw evidence in the world that it was a bad thing and yes, used or expressed in the wrong way, it can be traumatic. I had gotten messages from my mom that it was bad because her perception was that that was all that men wanted from women. But what about the sacredness between two people sharing themselves in love or even in consented agreement? And what about the natural part of each human being, the sexual part that is a portion of the whole of each of us? Didn’t our creator create us that way? Can that really be bad? It seemed all too confusing. I wanted to be sexy and express my sexuality because I felt that way, but supposedly, look what it gets ya!
I WAS fragmented. I had spent about seven years in-between marriages without a relationship, dressing down, concentrating on my spiritual self, not exuding that “other” part of me, not really wanting to be in touch with it either. Then I married for the third time, to a friend.
Who can explain the dynamics that go on between two people once they start living together or get married? How can you know, when the veils drop and the hubbub dies down, what that other person is really like? We find these things out later and we either work on the differences together and it works or it doesn’t or one person refuses to work toward the good of the relationship.
What I can say about that marriage is what I have said previously—it was more of a friendship—the passion and chemistry were not there and I didn’t know it until a year or so into the marriage. So, we forge on and try to make do and live in a haze of dissatisfaction or malaise until we cannot anymore. Some don’t make any decision for change, some not for a very long time. Seven years was a long enough time to try to make it be something it wasn’t going to be. And that was the hard part, making the choice for happiness—for both of us in actuality, whether it seemed like it or not. I did us both a favor in order for us to ultimately be happy either on our own or with someone more fitting.
But I come back to this now because something important happened toward the end of that marriage. In realizing and living the absence of passion and chemistry and feeling so devoid of true intimacy, a new realization began to emerge from my soul and consciousness. I began to feel this urge and desire to have a deep, soul-filled relationship that combined spirituality, sexuality and sensuality! On a deeper level, I knew that there was a place where it could all come together.
Somewhere along the road of revealed spiritual teachings, I had heard the word tantra. I was pretty sure it had to do with sex or Kama Sutra but didn’t know the distinction. It’s funny how things come back around to us at some point and happen at just the right time. There’s a feeling, at least for me, that intuitively says, oh, yes, this is exactly what I need to learn about NOW. So it was for Tantra.
My soul knew that there was a way to be, a way to love and a way to express in physical love relationships that was sacred and holy. It was like a deep truth was being revealed to me, a truth that had been embedded within me all my life, but had been waiting for the perfect moment to be revealed. For in the grand scheme of my life, whatever was in store for me, it was time for this next petal to unfold from the flower that is me. We are all flowers and bloom at our own individual pace. Maybe we weren’t watered correctly. Maybe we were neglected. Maybe some of us wither from lack of love and care. But our flower potential is there and with our own self-care and love, hopefully, it can be nurtured onward toward our full bloom.
I did not become nor am I an expert on Tantra, but my soul knew the idea behind it—the blending of sexuality and spirituality or spiritual love—and that was what I was craving at a deep level. To have a merging of heart, soul, mind and body is what I had been searching for all my life. Yes, I had the issues of feeling abandoned, not loving myself, not feeling loved but after having worked on those issues for a lifetime, I now know that a very real craving inside me was for Divine union with another, or should I say with a beloved. It’s as if my whole being had wanted to blend, no blend is not the word—unite with the spiritual essence of another.
In some spiritual circles, it is believed that the Godhead came into being in our material world to experience itself and at that time, divided into male and female aspects. I know that this is why I have been so attracted to the whole idea of the Divine Feminine and all the writings that have come to light the past years. It’s no accident that these enlightened writings are appearing at this time in history. It is time for the Divine Feminine energies to come forward to help heal our world. And it is the whole idea of spiritual love, spiritual merging that has been a part of who I am and what I have been about, whether I knew it or not, at different points in my life. In this longing to have a conscious, accepting, mutually loving relationship or marriage, I can see how the past relationships left me wanting. Something was missing! Two major life assignments—the quest and manifestation to be loved unconditionally, warts and all AND the attainment of a spiritual union with my soul mate. Okay, I have said it before; there can be more than ONE soul mate in our lives. I see it as that person who contributes to our soul growth.
There is a poem by Brian A. “Drew” Chalker that I have loved and referred to and to others over the past twenty years. It is called Reason, Season, Lifetime. I believe it to be true. Here are the first few lines…..
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
The continuation of the poem reveals how some people come into your life for a particular reason, maybe to come to your aid or to meet a need at the time. Others come for a season, to grow or learn. And then others come for a lifetime in order to learn lifetime lessons.
I share this with you lest at times I have seemed blasé or trite about my past relationships. Yes, I may have been impetuous in my earlier years (and maybe later, too) but I can honestly say that I am grateful for each experience and person I have loved and that has loved me. They have been my teachers, as I know I have been for them, whether they are aware of that or not. The love that we give is priceless and never lost for it is love itself that is true and forevermore.
As for Tantra, the desire for a deeper love relationship resulted from marriages devoid of that level of commitment. “Rockets of desire” shot forth and that longing became stronger since the awareness of what I desired was made clearer. The universe was hearing my request! Was I really ready for it? I had just come out of a sandstorm in a desert and needed time to heal and be me. For once in my life, I needed to just live by myself, find the new me, the one who had weathered the storm once again and was now the Phoenix coming out of the ashes. But my eternal quest for love still simmered.