It's Never Quite What You Think

Up until this time I stayed with him because he clearly loved me the best way he knew how and I simply did not want to hurt him. Each time I’d thought to leave the relationship I quickly dismissed the idea as an option because I knew I couldn’t bear to see him suffer. But now I couldn’t bear to feel my own suffering either. I mustered up every last bit of strength I had to pack a few of my personal items and go. These episodes with Robert, in addition to what I’d been through with Lily and Diana, had a life-threatening affect on me. I watched my weight drop quickly and overall health deteriorate. The most difficult thing I have ever done was to leave the house that day for my own welfare and not call myself a selfish bitch in the process. I talked to everyone in the house for months before I left. I kept telling Robert that I couldn’t tolerate what was going on much longer and when I felt a subtle change in him I knew he was starting to get the message. I’d had many conversations with him where I was doing most of the talking about how little the girls had changed in the ten years we’d all been together. I also discussed things with the girls to see if they were willing to shift themselves onto the vibration of love to have some harmony in our home. They made no comment after my telling them so often how I was feeling. I’d lay awake most of the night wondering what else I could say or do to try to get through to them. It was apparent that Robert was now beginning to experience true panic about his life changing right before his eyes. In our discussions, he had nothing to say on his own behalf. Although he was present when I talked to the girls his only contribution was asking them to comply with the simple requests I made without so much upheaval. Seeing that the girls were not budging an inch, he talked to them privately hoping to find a solution that didn’t involve him. The only thing they could come up with was that I talked on the phone too much. After that, the real capper was when he called a family meeting to talk about how I could be a better mother. In our house the blame game reigned supreme. This request was made only a couple of days after sitting in our living room where I gave everyone the opportunity to express what they felt. Hearing this phone issue was about all I could take. Robert, on the other hand, didn’t want to acknowledge the problems in his family. He needed a scapegoat, which was the same dynamic with the girls, who also needed someone else to hold accountable for anything that went wrong. All he wanted was peace and had no interest in seeing the more serious issues at hand. For me, having to take on the burden of being to blame for everyone’s misery, along with all the non-truths I received, was definitely the straw that broke this camel’s back. Even though they were all unhappy, their fear overruled the possibility of making any changes within themselves so the unhappiness remained. The only course of action they seemed willing to take was to blame me. Love was shut out.