Be Authentic

Chapter 1 The Judgmental K(not)s that Limit the Flow When we experience judgmental thoughts, they are indicating that some aspects of our current situation are not in accordance with our authentic flow of energy and natural ease. In particular, the brain—or specifically our thinking—is the origin of these stories. I’ll explore a type of cultural mentality I call ‘blame-game programming’ and show how it assists in de- and re-pressing our emotions, through the reinforcement of judgmental thoughts that locate blame on someone (yourself or others). I call these sophisticated mental stories about events and/or people ‘k(not)s’. These stories are like recorded responses that replay in our mind, telling us that certain people, events, or even our own behaviors are the reason why we’re not happy. Have you noticed patterns in the stories that keep coming up in your mind? In this chapter, we’re going to explore the link between our thinking, our perceptions of the world, and the way the world may actually exist. Please read the following statements and ask if you’ve ever said them to yourself (perhaps with slightly different wording), and if you believe that they are true: My life (or aspects of my world) should not be like this. I am not powerful enough to create my life the way I choose. I cannot trust my world and so I must control it. I used to believe that all of these statements were true to varying degrees, although I didn’t realize it until I was in my mid-40s. When I came to this realization, I began to wonder why I thought this way and how I’d come to believe in these three key assumptions about life so strongly. I now realize that I grew up in a culture that reinforces the belief that the world is a limited place, where the lucky few have access to more than enough, and the majority must struggle to get a share of what’s left. And if we don’t get our fair share then it’s someone’s fault! I call this cultural mindset ‘blame-game’ mental programming, because it is based upon a judgmental view that seeks to place blame on someone or something for what appears to be ‘wrong’ in our life. A blame-game culture is characterized by a viewpoint that, if life is not working out the way we want it to, then there is ‘wrongness’ in the world, and we seek to locate where the blame is to be placed. At first glance, the world view we have developed appears to be our normal reality and therefore we are prone to feeling uncomfortable when confronted with the idea that our so-called ‘reality’ is actually a cultural construct. Indeed, the way we think about the world is so ingrained in our perceptions, that we believe our construct represents the world as it actually exists. In fact, it may not be possible to agree on an objective reality, as we will discuss in later chapters. Notice how our newspapers, radio, and television programs tell us ‘who is to blame’ on a regular basis, and how so many of our conversations focus on our judgments about particular people or situations. In fact, we often align ourselves with other people primarily because we share a similar view of the world with them: this is a tribal view that says we feel most comfortable with those who agree with our judgments. How does blame-game programming limit our beliefs and therefore restrict our authenticity? This is a subtle issue that I will explain in more depth throughout the book, but essentially it creates a sense of limitation within ourselves—in that we are not enough, that we are lacking in one way or another—and therefore we must seek ways to increase our sense of power and worth. My parents raised me in an environment that supported this blame-game view; everything—including love—was anything but abundant. Rather, it was limited. To have a part of the American pie (yes, I’m American by birth), I needed to do the right thing and be judged as worthy. If I wasn’t feeling worthy, there had to be a cause to blame: myself or my family, or perhaps even my ‘world’ in its entirety. I struggled with feeling that I wasn’t good enough for many years: trying to find the job, partner, or lifestyle that would allow me to feel loved and accepted. Somehow I just couldn’t feel loved even when I did have a partner, or feel worthy even when I did have a job. What was preventing me from really knowing that I was fine just as I was? And were others feeling the same way, or was it just me that was somehow insufficient and insecure? I had a breakdown before I had the breakthrough that would save my life. Afterwards, I started to piece together the evidence, and work out why my world had shattered so violently. And the answer that I eventually came up with was shocking. It was my thinking: it had entirely shaped my life and the way I felt about my life. Not the difficult early experiences within my family, not my health, not my university education, not my being born as a white woman in a Western culture. All of these did contribute to the mental view I had built up about the world; but, at the heart of it all, there was a fundamental, core world view, which had secretly shaped how I saw myself and my relationship to the world. The ‘blame-game’ cultural program that I uncovered in my thinking process reinforced pernicious stories in my mind. It functions by making out that objects outside of us, or our own innate deficiencies, block the flow of love, joy, and abundance. This type of thought program, or pattern of thinking, creates a distinctive way for us to view ourselves; it dictates how we speak to one another; how we act in the world; and even what we expect from the world around us. The program is so intrinsically interwoven into our lives that we can’t easily separate ourselves from it. Because blame-game mental programming limits who we think we are, it keeps us living in fear through the application of our judgmental stories. Another way to view the three statements is as k(not)s: My life is not … because …. I am not … because … The world is not … because … Do we not often say these words to ourselves or out loud to someone else? Do we realize how many times a day we say such things—hundreds perhaps? I call these kinds of statements ‘blame-game k(not)s’ because when we judge ourselves, another person, or the world, we’re operating from a blame-game view, and it ties in knots our natural connection to the flow of our authentic being. We literally reverse the flow when we say words that limit who we are and what the world is; rather than confirming our unlimited potential, we block it. Judgment, in terms of our thoughts, speech and actions, is a major block to being authentic. But don’t we require judgment to function as human beings in a complex society? Judgment can be of two kinds: 1) moralizing judgments by which we assert that the label we attach to an object (including the self) is true (i.e., the kind of judgment that labels people and things as good or bad); and; 2) discerning judgments by which we assess a person, object, or even ourselves, as being, or not being, in harmony with our values. The difference may seem subtle. However, it is similar to knowing when and how to use a knife—it is not the knife that is harmful or beneficial but our application of it. The same is true with judgment—we tend to over-use it to the point of harming others and particularly ourselves, and that is especially the case with moralizing judgment.