White Balloons
A Memoir
by
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O afflicted one, storm tossed and not comforted,
behold, I will set your stones in antimony,
and lay your foundations with sapphires.
I will make your pinnacles of agate,
and your gates of carbuncles,
and all your walls of precious stones. (Verse 11-12 Isaiah.)
This is only a small sample of that which is written; there is much more, but I think it sums up my journey, and how life is for me now. I found passages like this in my bible, when I was desperately seeking answers. I highlighted the text, and marked the pages. I read them over and over again; they comforted me, and helped in giving me a strength that I never knew I had.
This verse still inspires me with a faith that tells me that all is attainable. When and where we do not know, but I trust that it will be given to us when we learn what we need to learn, and live only from our heart…… from that which is love, and there we find God; a state of being that we can all be part of.
Of course for each of us the timing is different, but we will all get there eventually. I have always been a deep thinker and pondered on the reason for life. After all the years of searching for answers, it is simple to me now. Love created us, so that we would love too, but we have to learn how to love, and that may take many lifetimes?
I have been writing this story over the past two years. As I arrive at the last part, I see that it has been a journey within a journey. I wasn’t aware of its true meaning until now. I knew that my life was evolving; my instincts told me that certain things were happening as I travelled through my grief, but I did not realize that I was learning so much along the way.
It is not only through losing my husband that I have grown. At the same time this was happening, I was also dealing with another loss. I wanted to include this story, but decided then that the timing wasn’t right. At present it is of such a sensitive nature, that I had to consider those involved, including my much loved brother! My brother has recently been diagnosed with Frontal Lobe Dementia.
It first came to my notice that there was something seriously wrong with him just before Mike died, over two years ago. My brother changed from the person he had been, and it seemed to happen rather rapidly, but in hindsight it had started some time before. I feel like I have had a double loss in the last two years; my husband, and a brother who is not the same person that he was previously.
It wasn’t until lately that I realized that I was grieving the loss of that brother, and addressed the sadness in me. I have accepted that my brother will not get better, and his time here is limited. It has been extremely difficult to deal with, but I am clear in my mind now. While I still have feelings of sadness that this has happened to him, I understand that this is his journey.
One of the most important lessons that I have learnt, is that of Compassion. I had always considered myself a compassionate person, but it wasn’t real. Now that I have stopped feeling sorry for me, I feel for others in a genuine way. I feel it from my heart and mind, and rather than let it overwhelm me, I can offer support in a positive way.
Where once I would try to fix everything, and have high anxiety if I couldn’t; I have surrendered, and realize that I can’t change another’s situation, or take on their pain; it is not my right to do so. I can only offer comfort, from that which I have learnt.
Acceptance is the key ------ however accepting a situation one cannot change takes time, but when we surrender to it we are set free. I have said that I had accepted Mike’s passing, and that is true, but it wasn’t until the second anniversary that I fully let him go.
I also realized then that I had not grieved properly for the loss of my parents. I had no time as so much had been happening since then. And I was still caught up in sadness over my brother’s illness
In the month leading up to the anniversary I had been experiencing a range of emotions, and I felt exhausted. That was when it all came to a head……
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About the Book
For years, author Jo St. Claire watched her husband’s journey with prostate cancer. When, after forty-two years of marriage, Mike’s suffering ended, Jo’s new life began.
This is not just a story about cancer and death. Along the way, Jo learned all she could about cancer and about caring for someone fighting for his life; she also learned about herself and the many gifts of life. She learned more about grief, fear, denial, suffering, and loss than she ever wanted to know. What’s more, she never stopped asking questions of the experts or of herself. She wanted the answers to her questions.
White Balloons is the result of that quest for understanding. Jo needed to comprehend what was happening—not only to her husband, but to herself as well. The experience changed her, and now she is able to address other significant losses in her life.
Through it all, she found the healing power of hope and realism. She now has a greater appreciation for the spiritual nature of human existence—especially as that experience comes to its natural conclusion. Jo St. Claire is now free and at peace.
This is her story.
About the Author
Jo St. Claire is a writer with an associate diploma in social sciences. After forty-two years of marriage, she was there when her husband, Mike, lost his battle with prostate cancer. Jo is a mother and grandmother whose spiritual education is a lifelong journey to enlightenment and peace. She currently lives in Australia.
http://loss-grief-innerpeace.com/