Embracing Forgiveness

I can not remember my father telling me he loved me. Ever.
My mother maybe told me that she loved me one or twice.
I didn’t grow up being loved or in a loving environment. I was tough that a was a burden, a nobody, stupid, ugly, that a don’t have to be happy for peoples success and god fortune and that I don’t have to be nice with people if they can not return back a favor to me.
I was very massed up. I grow up bitter, angry, fearing that somebody else will get my share, hating everyone who had more then me, who was more successful then me, believing that love is only for dummies. Thinking only negative thoughts about everyone and everything, including myself.





So that day my father asked her to chose between me and him, I believe she choose him because she was afraid that she could not leave him after all he did for her.
Maybe I was to much for her to live him and started to live alone.
Or maybe she was afraid she could not provide for her all tree kids?
Or maybe cause she didn’t wanted to be responsible for my brothers and sisters future, or who knows why?
Only she has the answer. But when you are 14 years old you expect that your own mother will stand up for you-her kid, and since she did not done that I was hated her so much.

A Course in Miracles says: ” In order to heal, it thus becomes essential for the teacher of God to let all his mistakes be corrected”. Here correction means undoing of the errors. And the error is: I made a false interpretation about myself.
Here the miracle happen.
The understanding that the judgment of myself is only a mistake that can be corrected by God brings healing. And healing brings forgiveness.
Forgiveness brings the understanding that is nothing to be condemned cause all is an illusion.

Anger and hate is a curse.
Love is a blessing. Bless the people by forgiving them. Believe me baby you do yourself a big favor! You set them free and you set your Self free as well.
And your life is ready to change!
The time went by and we became the “perfect family”.
My husband and I worked a lot. And form not having a job in Romania I went ( 3 years latter) to changing jobs just because I wanted a better payed job. And in `96 we bough our first place to live a smaller apartment. We also bough newer cars (in `95 with the help and support of my wonderful husband I received my driver license- something that denied my fathers prophesy that I will never do anything with my life). And I can really say that I was living my life of my dreams with a nice loving husband and a father for my kid, spending nice vacation time abroad with my family, and so on. But inside I was miserable. My past was haunting me all the time, and my conscience was screaming at me to reveal my past and easy my heart. And was not ready for that step, yet. I was afraid to loose my husband and kid, loose the good life I had. And on the top of that I was not ready to look on the dept of my heart. I was not ready to live with the consequence, yet. I was afraid to ask myself : “ Am I happy where I am in my life? Am I happy with this me?” So I continued to keep quiet.

Like I said my past was haunting me all the time. In my dreams ( and I had them 4 of 7 nights each week even repeating themselves sometimes) I was back in Romania struggling against being raped, bated, threw out in the streets, crying and wondering around humiliated, all the time afraid of where I was. And somehow I managed to keep going living my life ignoring my gut feeling. Until one day when the depression hit me .
That day my entire world fall to pieces. And a strong storm started to sweep away all the happiness I had in my life, living me with with lot of guilt, anger, disappointment, making my fathers words hitting me like a weep while they were repeating themselves all the time: ”You’ll never do anything with your life “.

I think God was watching and waiting for me to wake up one day so I could see in the dept of my dark secret and start dealing with my anger, my bitterness, my fear and the hate I had in every single cell of my body, in every heartbeat, in my entire me... He knew when I was ready

for a change and He waited patiently for 30 years.
And I was ready to burp out all that poison I had in me, believe me!

It was the time for me to start to heal.

They say there is a time for every thing. A time to be born, to go to school, to get married, to have children, and to die. But there is also a time for healing.
And I think is very important to heal your relations before we die. Dieing without to heal may have us coming back latter as a reincarnated soul, so we may start learning our lesson, heal and die. This time so we can go to another lever of conscience. Or we are sentenced to come back re-living the same life until we finally learn our lesson.
And I was not ready to die. No, sir. I muster made a contract somehow& sometime with my Heavenly Father, that no matter how hard my life will be I will not die until I learn my lesson in this life.

It was not easy to live or to heal, and even now when I write this book, I feel I go through a major healing. It is tough to put down on the paper things that were never named before, find out that I still have some skeletons in the closet. But the word it have to be spoken and hope that it will help some one who dwells on the same things like I did once for many years ago.
If I can save ONE human being from pain and suffering or easy her or his burden, then my mission is done. Cause I believe I have a mission here in life, and who knows maybe this book is my mission...