Courageous Butterfly

I continually struggled with the decision about whether, or not, I was capable, or talented enough to write a book. Was I creative and resourceful enough to do so? Being a school drop out, and French Canadian, I lacked the necessary English writings skills. As a result, I doubted my ability to write my story. My fears were always my biggest enemy, the fear of what people would think of me, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of being exposed, the fear of lacking the inspiration I needed, and also the fear of offending people, and of course, the fear of failure. In the past, when the idea of putting a book came to me, I would get excited, I would be inspired for days, and yet doubt would still come to sabotage my dream. My cynical way of thinking was constantly a downer. "How good do you think you are?" "Who would want to read your story?" I kept thinking to myself. Terrified of the uncertainty, I procrastinated, yet never stopped dreaming. I have kept a journal since I was fifteen years old. In November 2004, at the age of forty, I stopped writing, and for two years, I abandoned recording my life on paper. It seemed that the passion had gone; until the magical night of February 9, 2007. I shall take you through this chapter of my life, however before going there, I would like to share with you the foundation, the footprint of my story, the beginning. To understand my path; the road to self-acceptance, you need to know where I was mentally and emotionally in my early years, and who I became because of it, and later on, you will see, who I am today. I can finally say I love who I am, because I am finally giving myself permission to be me. As you read the first chapters of my life, please keep in mind that I now call my past; so what. I am not bitter, I am not resentful, I am not a victim. I am no longer in that place. Although, I do not like to talk about the past, since I now understand the effect my thoughts and words have on my wellbeing. However to write this book, I am willing to go there once again. My past is simply a story; my story. The reason for writing about it is to offer you three wonderful expressions of life, Hope, Love, and Courage. To reveal that in time, we have to move on, to awaken, to evolve, to grow up, but most importantly, we have to remember where we came from; who we truly are. We must stop blaming and feeling sorry for ourselves. We have to be responsible for our own lives, and if we have to, we must create ourselves anew. Even though today I call my past; so what, during the writing of this book, I revived a lot of old pain, experiencing first hand, the power of my thoughts. While writing, I had allowed my past to resurface, and my mind to experience the drama all over again; as a result of this, the emotional pain of my upbringing materialized, making it impossible for me to feel good while writing my story. Fortunately, this time, I was aware of what I was doing. I understood why I felt this way. I could shift my attention to the present moment at anytime, and instantly make a difference in how I was feeling. This is how powerful our thoughts truly are! Although I am considering my past as stepping-stones, gifts that served me well, I learned that the past can also trap us in vicious cycles of pain, and fear can immobilize and stop us from moving forward. True power is when we are fully present and recognize that reality exists only in the now. Freedom will come in the awareness of loving and trusting life, moment by moment, day after day. I believed it all started with my given name, for 35 years, my name Nancy Forbes did not feel right to me. As a result, I felt extremely uncomfortable in my body. When someone would ask me my name, it triggered an awful feeling, a sense of not belonging and not knowing where I came from. It truly troubled my heart. I would think to myself, "Why is it so hard for me to hear or say my own name? Why do I not recognize this name as mine? Who am I?"; I asked myself. "Was I born to the right family? Am I the only one in this world who feels this way, disconnected from their given names?" As weird as this may sound, I felt like an outsider, an absolute stranger to myself. I never mentioned this to anyone, it felt too weird and embarrassing. I felt lonely with this painful secret for so long, until now. "Who is this person with the name Nancy Forbes?" As a young child, I believed my name interfered with my happiness. I remember the constant struggling with extreme loneliness, and not belonging anywhere, or with anyone. I would constantly, and frantically, think to myself, "Why do I feel so out of touch, so alone, so different." I lived with this awful feeling most of my life. I wished and dreamed for a new name, hoping to feel better about myself. At the time, I assumed my name represented who I was, the real me. I was trying to find myself, by demanding to feel my name, so I could finally find my own identity. "Am I a lost soul?" I wondered. I was confused. I never thought that I was more than just a name, a name that felt foreign to me, and so much so, I continuously asked myself whether or not to change it. "Who am I?"I asked myself again and again. It has taken me years to remember who I truly am and to create myself anew. I am always discovering, learning and working towards my personal growth, and today, I can finally say that I am comfortable with the sound of my name, Nancy Forbes. Most of my life I struggled, and suffered. Now, I choose to remember where I came from. As a result, I discovered life, God, and therefore my Self. My soul represents who I am, not my name. My true essence is my heart, it is the love behind the neurotic mind. I truly exist within the awareness. I have learnt to accept what is; the things that I cannot change, and finding the courage to change the things I can. This was the starting point of transforming myself into a beautiful butterfly. In the midst of learning how to fly, I've liberated myself, in order to reveal my true spirit. After years of questioning who I am, I discovered the true purpose of my life, which is sharing the power of love with those around me. I have experienced a number of incredible things, which I would like to share with you. My findings are in relationship to my ordinary daily life, the step-by-step lessons of my experiences, and the gifts that came with them. I have written about real events, true feelings, and life lessons that I have learned and gathered over the years. On February 9 2007, I was sitting in bed pondering, and thought to myself; my life has been like a soap opera, I faced so many challenges, and have so many interesting and entertaining stories to share. My healing empowered me to speak the truth, and I have a powerful message to tell. I want to open a world of great possibility and hope, by sharing both the joy and pain of my own transformation, and by telling the truth about my vulnerabilities, I hope to offer encouragement and to inspire anyone who needs help and desires to create themselves anew. I am ready to break out of my comfort zone; my cocoon, to fly on this journey with you, believe me, we are never alone in this world. Hope, Love, and Courage, from my heart to yours, Nancy Forbes