INSIDE HEAVEN’S DOOR

I was 25 years old at the time. I was your average American housewife, a mother of two beautiful young daughters and pregnant with my third child. My husband, Jake, was my childhood sweetheart whom I had known since fifth grade. Life was wonderful--or so I believed. With the money my brother Billy had loaned us for a down payment, Jake and I bought an old house in desperate need of repairs. The apartment we were living in had gotten crammed, so we packed up our belongings and moved into our first home just in time for the birth of our third daughter. Our third daughter was born four months after our move. After settling into our new home and adjusting to this beautiful new child, Jake and I got busy with remodeling our broken down house. What we really loved about our new house was the property. The big backyard reminded Jake and me of a neighbor’s yard where we played kickball, croquet and all kinds of sports as children. We began by restructuring the landscape, extending the driveway back behind the house so our children could play and ride their bikes safely. I was quite happy having the priviledge of being a stay at home mom. But for Jake it was quite different. Along with his full-time position with the Air National Guard Reserve unit located in Worcester, Massachusetts he also worked part time for a paint and wallpaper store. Most of his time was spent working these two jobs so we could ensure our financial stability and pay for remodeling our newly bought house. . Even though we had our share of quarrels and disagreements, I felt our life was blessed. One day Jake’s boss asked if he was interested in taking a position with the Northeast Phased Array Warning System known as Pave Paws, located in the town of Sagamore, Massachusetts on Cape Cod. This was a very important decision since Jake would be working with the only radar system on North America’s East Coast that warned our government against incoming sea-launched and intercontinental ballistic missile attacks. After days of discussion Jake decided to accept the new position. Of course, there were many stressors involved as well, in making this transition. For one, Jake would have to begin his job before we were able to sell the house, so we made the decision that the children and I would stay in our town of Auburn where we lived until our house sold. Jake would come home every weekend to be with us and help get things ready for our eventual move. Everyone accepted the fact of our impending move and I was excited for us to live near the ocean where the children could learn about its natural environment and the rest of our family and friends could visit and enjoy it’s beauty. So, like I said, everything was great . . . until. Jake had left one morning to return to the Base on Cape Cod to begin his job on Monday morning. That evening after I had put the children to bed, I myself had fallen asleep very quickly out of tiredness and I had a dream that was so vivid, I awoke startled. I very seldom recall my dreams, but here’s what I remember of that dream as my thoughts raced from one place to another in my mind and images slipped in and out of my consciousness. This was the beginning of my life unraveling. This was the beginning of a journey I took that transformed me forever! The dream . . . The room was as black as night. There was no ceiling, no floor, no windows, no doors and I was floating aimlessly in the middle of it. In this place I felt a sense of calm and peace that I had never experienced when I’m awake. The air which filled this space was the purest air I had ever breathed, and everywhere I looked I could see tiny points of light, like glistening particles dancing around, some merging together, while others moved in slow motion as if laying dormant just waiting to come alive. I felt like I was out in cosmic space, yet at the same time I felt I was deep inside myself more than I had ever been before. “There are no boundaries or direction here,” I thought. “Had I lost my compass?” Then with that question in my mind I saw at a far off distance, what I believed to be an opening. “Is this a door?” I asked. As I cautiously tried to move towards this tiny image, I realized it was floating in the air like a dust particle. I began to panic as I realized what I was thinking. The air suddenly became stagnant and I began to loose my ability to breathe. Suddenly my body felt heavy and dense as I swirled around aimlessly. Finally I shouted out loud! “Where am I?” “Heaven,” a voice replied. “Why am I here?” I asked. The voice answered, “The Truth.” I felt my chest expand slightly as the word, “Truth,” kept running through my mind. I began to breathe more easily again and my whole body began to move effortlessly. It was then that I realized my compass was made up of my thoughts and my feelings were the fuel that propelled me forward. With this awareness I was able to direct myself toward this object. “ That darn dust particle.” I thought. “What is it about you that I am so attracted to?” As I drew even more closely, I could hear a humming sound coming from within it and with that it floated up into my mind bringing thoughts of my husband and a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that quickly woke me up. I woke up in darkness. It was just after two a.m. It took just a second to forget what my dream was about, but the urge to call Jake was so commanding that hesitation was not an option. So why was I calling him? I actually didn’t know until Jake answered the phone and that’s when a horrible thought emerged from deep within me.