Fear Differential

Maria could not tear her gaze away from his eyes. She was drawn to the depths of his soul and in turn he was mesmerized by the crystalline purity he saw in her. There was magnetic attraction born not of the flesh. There’s synergy between them, both uplifting each other to a higher octave beyond human understanding. It’s not an affair of the heart but of the soul, a divine romance which is ephemeral like the gossamer wings of a butterfly that fleets from rose to rose to the butterfly bush that knows no time. It’s not everlasting but infinite in the ever-present moment of the here and now. There is no judgment, no expectation, nor attachment...just pure bliss in the delicate gentle flight of love’s longing for that effervescent feeling of loving someone deeply and being loved in the same way. In that timeless moment, they reached the heights of heaven without even trying. They felt an addiction to a natural high, an exhilarating speed of love’s momentum taking them both to the highest peak. It’s an orgasmic sensation of spiritual connection; the tingling of the spine even without touching and the electrifying feeling permeating every cell of their beings. Their hearts were full, filled to overflowing. Divorce was the bitter pill she had to swallow. She’s been simmering in the bitterness of her relationship it’s choking the life out of her. Brewing in the cauldron of marital discomfort for a long time, she’s ready to jump off like the proverbial frog getting used to the warm water till it reaches the boiling point. She’s chained to his dark valleys while his soul was tethered to the bottles of gin and vodka. His world fogged up by the fumes of alcohol, he didn’t realize the effect of it on his family. It not only diminished his own worth but made Maria felt abandoned and depreciated with his outbursts when drunk or apathy when he’s not fueled up. Maria knew she’s not perfect either. She has her own faults magnified by the acrimonious relationship. Her heart shriveled, locked up in rancor. She longed for a time when love was pure and wholesome. She has to get out of this unholy matrimony before she drowns. To her, in love there’s no depreciating others, rather, love enhances the value of the beloved and make them whole and complete. Unless one truly loves another, relationships are mere playgrounds for ego dynamics and power trips. Maria spent most of her time at the arboretum, her wooded sanctuary. Longer nights of Winter gone, the days stretched with warmer temps that brought life to stir beneath the thawing ground. In April, frequent rains softened the soil and out of a deep sleep… tulips, daffodils and crocuses shoot out of the frozen earth with ease. She’s nourished by the budding greens that sprouted out of the sleeping branches. From out of the barren Winter, life surged in quiet abandon. The magnolias were garbed in thick pink velvet, the cherry blossoms burst out in profusion of white and lavender lace as if to quench her thirst; a deep thirst for something good, something real and true. Not the lies ensconced in her work that’s slowly unraveled before her eyes. She remembered a line from a book, ‘If you believe the lies, you won’t see the truth.’ For all the time she worked there, she believed the ‘lies’, even the one she tells herself that working there added meaning to her life. Now she could see through the lies and she didn’t like it. From Chapter 9 – Liberation The road was deserted. There’s no weekend traffic except a few rabbits and squirrels hopping alongside her. Fed by an unknown force, she ran for miles and ran some more until her legs can no longer carry her farther. She felt like Forrest Gump in the middle of route 32, now running on empty. She collapsed on the side of the empty road as her head whirled like a pinwheel. In her spinning world, multiple lifetimes converged in one singularity. Her many past lives carrying ancient wounds re-surfaced to be healed. She exhausted herself of old stories still haunting the dark alleys of her subconscious mind and released every erg of negative energy clogging her body. It’s her moment of liberation. She liberated herself from all the stress accumulated in all the years she worked at the transplant unit. The burden of grief, hatred, of pain and suffering she absorbed from other people was gone. She dropped the heavy weight that wasn’t hers to carry. What’s left was clarity and buoyancy. From chapter 10 Annus Horribilis “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was the age of wisdom. It was the age of foolishness. It was the season of light. it was the season of darkness.” Charles Dickens wrote these words in 1859 in his book- ‘A Tale of Two Cities- when France was consumed by darkness brought on by the French revolution. But he could have written these lines for this era. 161 years later, a different darkness came rolling in across the lands. The pandemic came and Maria’s reality and eight billion others were hijacked. The world lulled in complacency was shaken to its core. Chaos and confusion ruled as the season of fear and ignorance undermined the light of hope and wisdom. The architect of chaos, though unseen, wreaked terror in every one’s mind and heart. Fear became the dominant force that has thrown people into uncertainty. Families were locked down in their homes for safety and as the streets were emptied, the once vibrant city of Boston now morphed into a ghost town. To vax or not to vax wasn’t the question for it was mandated. The minority who refused to play along and went against the tide of vaccination, became the outliers in the field of conformity.