Parenting in the Third Stage

Introduction: Your First Step to Connection Greetings from the start of a life-changing adventure! This is the first chapter of your parenting journal, a manual created to assist you in developing a closer, more solid bond with your teen. The first step in this process is to create a connection through the tool called Pause and Reflect with "ACT.” Overview of Teen Development Let's discuss why this skill is so crucial before getting into the "how." One of the most intense phases of human growth is adolescence. Your teen's rapidly evolving brain is causing them to navigate a flurry of emotions and impulses. During this period, the emotional center, the amygdala, frequently takes over, which can result in impulsive actions or emotional outbursts. Their prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of self-control and decision-making, is still developing. The hard part for parents is that we don’t realize that our brain is fully grown and, therefore, we have tools and practice, but our teens are still learning. This gives you the ability to lead with calmness and intention. But let's face it, it can be hard to keep your cool when your teen is making you upset! Pause and Reflect can help with this. This ability enables you to get past your personal fear or frustration-based emotional response and toward a thoughtful one that improves your connection. It enables you to overcome old parenting styles, such as responding to your own early experiences or attempting to "teach a lesson" in the heat of the moment. Rather, you'll concentrate on establishing a connection, which prepares the ground for later, more successful lessons to be taught. In this place of Pause and Reflection, we began to connect with our teen before we correct our teen. How to Build the Pause and Reflect Skill I want you to approach this initial step as if it were a daily routine. You'll have a little task to concentrate on every day—your "daily goal," if you will. Consider it like sowing seeds. With each small step, you’re growing a new way of parenting that prioritizes connection and understanding. Here is an overview of the week. Each day your journal will prompt you as to which tool you will work on for that daily goal. Day 1: Notice Your Triggers Day one’s focus is simple: pay attention. Your job is to notice when you feel triggered. It might be a disrespectful tone, an ignored request, or a slammed door. Tune into your body—do your shoulders tense? Does your heart race? These are clues that your emotions are taking over. We need to notice our emotions before we can help our teens regulate theirs. This is the first step. Day 2: Master the Pause Now that you’re noticing triggers, it’s time to pause. It takes 30 seconds to change a reaction into a response. When you feel your patience slipping, take a deep breath. Try the “4-4-6” breath: inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, and exhale for six counts. This calms your nervous system and gives you a moment to reset. Unless there is an emergency, there is often no need to react right away, and by using this tool, you're practicing the emotional regulation that will allow your brain to move into the present moment. Once you have been able to calm yourself through the breath, move into the A part of ACT. A stands for “Acknowledge” your feelings. Once you acknowledge and name them, you take a huge step into being in the present moment. Day 3: Recognize Your Fear We're going deeper today. What fear is causing my reaction, you ask? For instance, are you thinking back on your own childhood troubles or are you concerned about your teen's future? You can distance yourself from the dread by naming it. By having these conversations with yourself throughout the day, you will grow a deeper understanding of the “why” behind your behavior. Now that you are building your capacities, you can move into the C part of ACT. The C stands for “Calm”. Your job is to calm the inner voice of fear and reassure yourself that you will get through this and that you are going to be okay in this moment. The shift begins with us. Day 4: Delay the Lesson You don’t have to teach in the heat of the moment. Today, when emotions are high, practice saying, "Let's take a break and talk about this later.” This gives both you and your teen time to cool down and approach the conversation more calmly. Just like on day two, you are again going to delay the response, but by speaking your intention out loud. His tool moves us into the T part of ACT. T stands for “Try Again”. Now that you are calm and you have delayed the conversation, reapproach the moment from a space of grounded presence and try again. When you regulate your emotions, you model how adult behavior can help any situation, and you are creating space to connect before you correct. Day 5: Focus on Growth Our final step this week is about shifting from what you are doing wrong to celebrating what you have done right. Today, think about all the times you practiced the Pause and Reflect tool this week with your teen, and celebrate the growth. Even one step is progress. Take today to be proud of yourself, even for the smallest of actions. Parent Affirmation Throughout the week, remind yourself and repeat to yourself, "I am the calm in the storm. My pause is my power. I choose connection over reaction.”