Know, Grow & Flow

Who knew seven little words could change the trajectory of my life? “Do not come at this in anger.” That was the message I received as I sat on the back deck of the house I had always dreamed of, looking over 12 acres of pasture, pond, and woods. It wasn’t my voice but something beyond me — a voice I’d never heard before. Whether it was the universe, my guides, my future, or higher self, I don’t know! I do know it wasn’t the voice I hear when I’m talking to myself. Five months prior to this, I had planned to ask my boyfriend to leave. However, on that night, before he got home and I could have the conversation, he was in a car accident that broke his neck. He had been out with his boss and a couple of others and had been drinking quite a lot. He wasn’t paralyzed, but he would need therapy and couldn’t drive. Over the next five months, I took care of him. Already prepared to detach from this relationship, it became clear to me how he did things with no concern about broader consequences to me or anyone else. As I saw him behaving this way, I knew he had been doing that all along — always prioritizing himself, not caring about the impact on others. That was one of the primary reasons I wanted out. I had stayed for his kids, for my kids, but now they were all grown. I was ready to get out before, but now I was even more determined. The night before the day on the deck, I told him I wanted him to leave. He was jeopardizing all that I had worked hard to build. He responded, as he did every time we argued (which was often), that he would not leave the house. He never mentioned not wanting to lose me during our arguments; it was always about not leaving the house. The next morning, I told him we needed to talk about it, set things in motion. He said he had work to do over at the rental property he owned, and we’d talk when he got home. He was gone until almost 6 p.m. I waited anxiously, wanting to get the conversation over with and move on. When he returned, he proceeded to eat and shower before we finally sat out on the deck. That is when he told me he wanted $100,000 to leave my life. He had looked at the mortgage statement (of which he had never paid a dime) and saw we had equity in the house. Yes, when we moved in together, I naively put him on the mortgage, even though I was the one making the down payment. I so wanted the life I thought we’d have. I wanted to give him the life he wanted. I wanted to save him, and I literally risked everything to do so. He overlooked the fact that we also had a home equity loan on the house, so $100K was out of the question. After accounting for that loan, his share of the equity amounted to roughly $40K. I didn’t have that kind of money. It had only taken about five minutes before all this was laid out in front of me. I was pissed. With no conversation on the matter, he got up and left to go out (I guess that’s why he showered and ate first!). I was seething. How in the hell did he think he deserved that much money? I paid the mortgage, I paid half the bills, I put 99% of the money (if not all) into the renovations we had done in the house and the yard. It was all me! We did much of the labor ourselves and he contributed to that, but I did not think he was entitled to $40K. As I sat there, angry and wondering how I was going to pay him, I heard that voice, “Do not come at this in anger.” And I listened. I started to look at it from his perspective. I considered his experiences: how his previous girlfriend had bought a house and then asked him to leave, and how he had moved from place to place, struggling to make a real home for his children. I felt compassion — with a bit of the savior syndrome in there, too, that made me think I could save him, but I understood where he was coming from. So, I got up and went about my evening, thinking, but not stewing, reflecting on the possible outcomes. This may not seem extraordinary, but for me it was. Because I truly believe that if I hadn’t listened to that voice, I would have started drinking, getting more and more angry as the evening went on. I drank quite a bit back then, pretty much every night. The possibility of me being drunk and pissed off when he got home was very real. Instead, I made the conscious decision, NOT to drink. That decision quite possibly saved my life. At around 10 p.m., the boyfriend (which I will refer to as “the Ex” because he became that the moment I asked him to leave) came home. I was casually watching TV in the living room. He immediately began relocating his possessions from our bedroom into his daughter’s room upstairs, who was fortunately away at school. A few minutes later, there was an unexpected knock at the door. Awfully late for visitors. As he came down the stairs to answer the door, I reached it first. It was a cop. Initially, I thought he was here for the Ex, that perhaps he had broken his probation. However, the policeman explained that he was there to be sure everyone was okay. You see, the Ex had stopped by the police station on his way home and told them he was afraid to come home. He likely told them that I would be drunk and belligerent. Contrary to what the cop had expected to find, I was calm, cool, and collected. That voice saved my life. I could have been arrested that night or forced to leave the house if I had taken my normal path of drinking and being angry. That event was the catalyst for me. It started things in motion, ultimately enabling me to release the patterns and behaviors that were holding me back from living a joyful, peaceful life.