Chapter One
What does your child’s depression look like?
Your child may not look depressed yet still be suffering from severe depression. The medical community says there are two types of depression, being “cognitive” and “vegetative”. Both types can be camouflaged from you by your child.
Sometimes your child will find a way to go through the motions of daily life, but on the inside, they are in deep turmoil. People who say, “They didn’t seem depressed” means that the child was very good at hiding it. Your child may have tried to talk about it to you or others at some point but were probably not fully understood or supported and so the child may have learned to hide the severity of their depression. Hiding it takes great effort and that makes the child’s depression even worse.
Signs that your child is functioning while depressed:
They are not interested in their birthday or other holidays
They are not interested in what is going on with family or friends
They are not interested in new things or gifts
Every day seems the same with no variation
They function with the same “I’m fine” attitude
They barely talk or engage with you or others
Their interactions with you are either passive or irritable
They seem to be numb and on auto-pilot
Signs that your child is severely depressed:
They are losing their hair
They are not showering or brushing their teeth
They withdraw from society
They sleep for hours or days at a time
They don’t know or care what day it is
They have no interest in your life or their life
They have no interest in anything going on around them
They have no interest in things that used to interest them
They have no memory of specific events or conversations
I looked at her dead asleep in her bed. It was like she was in a coma. It was the third straight day of this. And it was not for the first time. I comforted myself by saying, “well at least she isn’t running around with the wrong crowd” and “at least I know where she is” and “at least she is in her safe place and not in a hospital”. At these times I would sit beside her bed and watch my child withdraw from the world.
After saying those phrases to myself while at the same time, trying to look on the bright side, I would once again try to think of a solution. It was usually a physical solution, like trying to think of the words to encourage her to get out of bed or think of a topic that would interest her. When I was out shopping I would look around desperately for something that I could get for her that might make a difference. Something, anything that might put a smile on her face or get her attention.
I would wonder what mood she would be in when she woke up. I could never predict what it would be. It could be lethargy, it could be irritation, it could be crying or another emotion. It could be any emotion except joy or happiness or contentment.
How to respond to their emotions
Some ways to interact with your child if they are feeling an emotion other than severe depression is to empathize with them. They may be in varying negative moods such as anger, worry, irritability, guilt or shame. You could try agreeing with whatever they are angry about without getting angry yourself. You could try to soothe their guilt or shame about something they did or didn’t do. This sharing in their emotional state will support them and make them feel noticed and validated.
Being lost in deep depression and the associated negative states is very lonely. Your child needs to feel that you are there for them so they do not feel so alone. Remember that making suggestions as an attempt to get them out of the depression is the opposite of making them feel less alone.
Support their emotions by saying things like:
Yes, I understand that this is upsetting and it would make me mad also
Yes, that is annoying
Wow, that is a crazy situation
It is too bad that things like that happen
I am sorry that you are going through this
It is ok that you did that thing
It is ok that you did not do what you wanted to do
I know that depression can be terrible
I’m sorry that you feel bad
Can we talk it through so maybe you will feel a bit better about it?
If you disagree with your child and say they shouldn’t be angry or guilty, they may interpret that as yet another failure on their part. They may tell themselves that they have the wrong emotion and reaction, yet again. Your child may also see it as you not seeing them for who they are and not noticing that they are suffering. They may think that you just want them to get better so that you can get on with your life. This translates into them thinking that they are a burden on you, which can lead to thoughts that they may as well not be here in this life. Your child feels stuck in a terrible place and they need to know that you are there with them, sitting on the sidelines and being aware of their struggle.