Three Loves and Other Stories

Bette Davis said in her autobiography, The lonely life, “It has been by experience that one cannot, in any shape or form, depend on human relations for lasting reward. It is only work that truly satisfies”. But to me it was always a multitude of relationships that were around me, a weave of a colourful and intense fabric, strong, yet caring and gentle, that it was the warmest of cloaks to soothe me at troubled times and the coolest of balms when I was needy. The absoluteness of my commitment to the team “us” was never in question, was it ever? To me some things were beyond and above the trust and complete and implicit faith barrier. Never to question and never to doubt. But for you, it was about not letting me have any expectations from you, as you reserved the right to get involved or help or whatever, on a case to case basis, while all the while having the highest expectations from me, on commitment or effort or willingness- you name it. You put everything up in the air and every single one of those cardinal principles that should have been the bedrock of our relationship were constantly on parade and in question. For me though, not for you, and time and time again, I found myself proving my commitment or proving my support or love or feelings, which I found most degrading, to say the least. This made me feel like I was being stripped naked and put under a strong spotlight, at will, and I had to fight, to prove myself, and in so doing, to earn every item of my clothing back, to put on. This, happening totally and regularly, especially at will, was the proverbial water falling constantly on the same spot on a stone. Even the toughest stone wears off over time and then a simple blow breaks it apart and smashes it to smithereens. The dust from a stone that has been blown to smithereens cannot be assembled back into the fine, proud and strong stone it once was. Try as I might, I couldn’t subject myself to this level of degradation, for the immense love, respect, or anything else. I just couldn’t. It goes against my core and against every fibre of my being. To you I was the housewife pretending to be the professional. And not the other way round. How two people can see the same thing, and from the opposite ends, so it is the complete reverse of the others’ view. You may be right in saying that I am a failure at relationships and that I am the one that has a problem with virtually everyone, or the relationships I am in. Since I seem to have failed to make my family happy and I failed to make you happy as well. But one cannot make anyone happy or sad. And it is not a philosophical statement either. It is just the simple truth. People can be happy or sad only based on what they allow themselves to feel. At any time. That is the power the mind has over the emotions. I am content in the knowledge that I have tried to the best of my ability and capacity, with all enthusiasm, to build, maintain and sustain, every single relationship that I have. After all, at the end of the day, any relationship only looks like what we feed it, what we put into it, isn’t it? TLC all the way or none of that- it will show eventually when the one that endures stops enduring. And for what, one may ask? One endures for love, for respect, for concern or for affection- one does not endure to be battered each time- to be mentally abused for no earthy reason. I have to leave, for my own self and for my care and compassion for myself. I wish you all of the very best. Sia. She moved into her flat that very afternoon. Sia was filled with the deep sense of loss. It seemed like yet again, the deep and undying love and the heart that had nurtured these, and indeed at one time, immeasurable feelings, seemed to give way and suffer a fatal cardiac arrest. This second love too, that had so filled Sia’s heart, it seemed immeasurable, now fell flat and had had the massive and fatal haemorrhage, putting it on its way to an early grave. Man re Tu kaahe na dheer dhare! Tu nirmohi moh na jaane jinka moh kare! Utna hi upkaar samajh koi, jitna Saath nibhaade, Janam Mara ka mel hai sapna yeh sapna bisraade , Koi ne sang mare…. Dear heart of mine, you need to be stronger. You, who are unaware of the hidden agendas of those whom you love. You need to just be grateful for the companionship, as much as it is, no more, as even I know, the soul is eternal and will not die, and no one will die with it either. That Sia felt empty and bereft of all feelings seemed to be an understatement. She wasn’t sure she had the courage to try even at the very basic level, to pick herself up and move forward. She had read somewhere that when the more obvious markers of abuse are not being met, people are often left to question themselves and their sanity. Like Olivia Fane said, “Falling in love is like reaching out to another human being with a sense of privilege and care. Monogamy is the ideal situation as then you are free from the constant thought of sex, to be able to love. The entire world that you inhabit, your family friends and the earth sky stars and then some! It allows you to love the person you are married to- not because they are lean, rich, tanned or for the earth shattering sex, but because you take their spectacles off when they fall asleep….